7, 11:49 AM PST
New Poll Finds Cheney "Extremely
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Verifying what had long been suspected
throughout the nation, a Gallup poll confirms that nearly 85
percent of Americans find Vice President Dick Cheney to be a
singularly unattractive, completely unlikable and politically
In short, citizens find Cheney
to be an "extremely ugly" person, dropping him from
his usual ranking of "ugly."
news couldn't come at a worse time for the Bush campaign, a day
after Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry named John
Edwards -- whom many Americans consider "handsome"
-- as his running mate for the 2004 election.
"I kinda sorta always new
he wasn't very attractive, physically," said Arweda Nomar,
a Milwaukee real estate agent. "But it's only lately I've
realized he has a nasty disposition."
Cheney's recent plummet to "extremely
ugly" in the poll may be indicative of an American public
becoming more aware of the homely politician's lack of tact and
"Well, last time they ran,
Cheney was relatively unknown," explained Chester McCracken,
a political analyst for the Monsotti Institute. "Now people
see him lying about WMDs, claiming a further tax cuts for rich
people like himself, and telling other politicians to fuck off
"Don't forget how he called
for the invasion of Iraq after avoiding Vietnam," pointed
out Margo Freley, another analyst at the institute.
"Or how he selected himself
when asked to choose a VP candidate," McCracken said.
"Or how Cheney handed out
hugely expensive no-bid contracts to Halliburton, a company he
continues to receive compensation from," Freley said.
"Or how he posed as the
'smart one' in the Bush-Cheney campaign, but has really revealed
himself to be a dumb sonofabitch," McCracken said.
"Basically, Americans are
getting to know Cheney, finding out what he is all about, and
they're not liking what they see," Freley said.
McCracken added: "It doesn't
help he's such an unfortunate-looking man, either."
The Bush-Cheney campaign refused
to comment on the poll, other than to say it had "no bearing"
on their election efforts. "This administration does not
look at polls to make its decisions," Press Secretary Scott
However, the campaign later cancelled
orders for the upcoming Dick Cheney 2005 Calendar.
"The cancellation has nothing
-- I repeat, nothing -- to do with that ridiculous poll,"
McClellan said a few hours later. "It's just, well, we'd
only gotten 15 pre-orders for the calendar, and 13 of them were
placed by Mr. Cheney himself. Anyway, it uh... has nothing, nothing
to do with that ridiculous poll. Okay?"
The poll, conducted over the
weekend, has a margin of error of plus or minus three percent.