SELECTION 2004

Wednesday, July 7, 11:49 AM PST

New Poll Finds Cheney "Extremely Ugly"

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Verifying what had long been suspected throughout the nation, a Gallup poll confirms that nearly 85 percent of Americans find Vice President Dick Cheney to be a singularly unattractive, completely unlikable and politically disgusting man.

In short, citizens find Cheney to be an "extremely ugly" person, dropping him from his usual ranking of "ugly."

The news couldn't come at a worse time for the Bush campaign, a day after Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry named John Edwards -- whom many Americans consider "handsome" -- as his running mate for the 2004 election.

"I kinda sorta always new he wasn't very attractive, physically," said Arweda Nomar, a Milwaukee real estate agent. "But it's only lately I've realized he has a nasty disposition."

Cheney's recent plummet to "extremely ugly" in the poll may be indicative of an American public becoming more aware of the homely politician's lack of tact and principles.

"Well, last time they ran, Cheney was relatively unknown," explained Chester McCracken, a political analyst for the Monsotti Institute. "Now people see him lying about WMDs, claiming a further tax cuts for rich people like himself, and telling other politicians to fuck off --"

"Don't forget how he called for the invasion of Iraq after avoiding Vietnam," pointed out Margo Freley, another analyst at the institute.

"Or how he selected himself when asked to choose a VP candidate," McCracken said.

"Or how Cheney handed out hugely expensive no-bid contracts to Halliburton, a company he continues to receive compensation from," Freley said.

"Or how he posed as the 'smart one' in the Bush-Cheney campaign, but has really revealed himself to be a dumb sonofabitch," McCracken said.

"Basically, Americans are getting to know Cheney, finding out what he is all about, and they're not liking what they see," Freley said.

McCracken added: "It doesn't help he's such an unfortunate-looking man, either."

The Bush-Cheney campaign refused to comment on the poll, other than to say it had "no bearing" on their election efforts. "This administration does not look at polls to make its decisions," Press Secretary Scott McClellan declared.

However, the campaign later cancelled orders for the upcoming Dick Cheney 2005 Calendar.

"The cancellation has nothing -- I repeat, nothing -- to do with that ridiculous poll," McClellan said a few hours later. "It's just, well, we'd only gotten 15 pre-orders for the calendar, and 13 of them were placed by Mr. Cheney himself. Anyway, it uh... has nothing, nothing to do with that ridiculous poll. Okay?"

The poll, conducted over the weekend, has a margin of error of plus or minus three percent.

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