3, 11:17 AM PST
Mind-Numbingly Stupid Apes Try to Explain
THE HEART OF DARKNESS -- Selection 2004 came, went and ended
with a moan as the majority of American voters, many of whom
were mind-numbingly stupid apes responding to the "smear
and fear" tactics of George W. Bush's election campaign,
sent the chimp to the White House.
although Bush's supporters apparently had an automatic, almost
robotic, allegiance to the guy who has done so much to make the
nation and world a worse place to live in, the reasons -- if
what drives primates to choose between a carrot and a turnip
can be called a "reason" -- they cast their votes for
Bush varied widely.
"Mmm. Vote for Great Chimp
Bush," said Sally Montgomery of Gurley, Ala., using a series
of hand signals and grunts to communicate.
"Great Chimp Bush speaks
my tongue, says 'terrorists' and 'Iraq' and 'flip-flop' lots.
Mmm, good. Great Chimp throw big rocks at Jungle's enemies. Jungle
safe from ape hunters while Big Chimp in charge. Mmm. Big Chimp
good for you and me. Mmm."
Many other voters of sub-human
intelligence agreed with Montgomery's assessment of Bush.
"Bush Chimp -- roo roo,
roooo -- Bush Chimp say lots good things, roo," Mayworth
D'Eselinzia of Newport, Va., as he examined his fur for lice.
"Says more bananas tomorrow.
Me like bananas. Miss bananas. Want more bananas, like before
Bush Chimp. Bush Chimp says more bananas soon, tomorrow. Bananas...
roo! Bananas! ROO! BANANAS! ROO ROOOO!"
However, for Elise Teeple of
Tuscon, Ariz., the issue really came down to which candidate
best reflected her deep and abiding faith. "Me strong believe
in Great Jungle Spirit. OOO!" Teeple said.
"OOO! Me strong believe
Great Jungle Spirit with Big Bush Chimp. Big Bush Chimp shares
spirit values, afraid of boogies and ghosts -- like me, OOO OOO!
Great Jungle Spirit say no to same-ape marriage, me does too,
same as Big Bush Chimp. OOO!"
Teeple then began flapping her
lips loudly while engaging in what appeared to be a prolonged,
"Is true, me have no task
right now," she said. "No task right now, ooo ooo.
No much bananas now, ooo. What bananas have now not worth much,
ooo. No medicinal-roots insurance, no benefits, ooo. Evicted
from tree soon. Ooo. Too late to change, too late. Ooo ooo..."
However, Erik Tedford of Carson
City, Nev. refused to reconsider his choice for president.
"HUAH! Bush my chimp! Bush
and me, on same level -- HUAH! Kerry too smart, too much like
hoo-mon! Hate hoo-mons! HUAH!"