Wednesday, November 3, 11:17 AM PST

Mind-Numbingly Stupid Apes Try to Explain Their Votes

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

THE HEART OF DARKNESS -- Selection 2004 came, went and ended with a moan as the majority of American voters, many of whom were mind-numbingly stupid apes responding to the "smear and fear" tactics of George W. Bush's election campaign, sent the chimp to the White House.

But although Bush's supporters apparently had an automatic, almost robotic, allegiance to the guy who has done so much to make the nation and world a worse place to live in, the reasons -- if what drives primates to choose between a carrot and a turnip can be called a "reason" -- they cast their votes for Bush varied widely.

"Mmm. Vote for Great Chimp Bush," said Sally Montgomery of Gurley, Ala., using a series of hand signals and grunts to communicate.

"Great Chimp Bush speaks my tongue, says 'terrorists' and 'Iraq' and 'flip-flop' lots. Mmm, good. Great Chimp throw big rocks at Jungle's enemies. Jungle safe from ape hunters while Big Chimp in charge. Mmm. Big Chimp good for you and me. Mmm."

Many other voters of sub-human intelligence agreed with Montgomery's assessment of Bush.

"Bush Chimp -- roo roo, roooo -- Bush Chimp say lots good things, roo," Mayworth D'Eselinzia of Newport, Va., as he examined his fur for lice.

"Says more bananas tomorrow. Me like bananas. Miss bananas. Want more bananas, like before Bush Chimp. Bush Chimp says more bananas soon, tomorrow. Bananas... roo! Bananas! ROO! BANANAS! ROO ROOOO!"

However, for Elise Teeple of Tuscon, Ariz., the issue really came down to which candidate best reflected her deep and abiding faith. "Me strong believe in Great Jungle Spirit. OOO!" Teeple said.

"OOO! Me strong believe Great Jungle Spirit with Big Bush Chimp. Big Bush Chimp shares spirit values, afraid of boogies and ghosts -- like me, OOO OOO! Great Jungle Spirit say no to same-ape marriage, me does too, same as Big Bush Chimp. OOO!"

Teeple then began flapping her lips loudly while engaging in what appeared to be a prolonged, contemplative meditation.

"Is true, me have no task right now," she said. "No task right now, ooo ooo. No much bananas now, ooo. What bananas have now not worth much, ooo. No medicinal-roots insurance, no benefits, ooo. Evicted from tree soon. Ooo. Too late to change, too late. Ooo ooo..."

However, Erik Tedford of Carson City, Nev. refused to reconsider his choice for president.

"HUAH! Bush my chimp! Bush and me, on same level -- HUAH! Kerry too smart, too much like hoo-mon! Hate hoo-mons! HUAH!"

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