Thursday, April 20, 1775

Colonial Terrorists Beat Back Redcoats

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

CONCORD and LEXINGTON, MASS. -- A surprise attack by colonial terrorists seeking to secede from England has sent our troops packing, and has started up the royal spin machine.

The British infantry -- popularly known as "redcoats" in the colonies -- suffered many casualties yesterday while trying to destroy a terrorist base in the vicinity of these villages.

Despite the setback, the King and his staff swiftly set about winning the hearts and minds of both colonial and British citizens.

"Irresponsible behavior, such as explosions and strikes against the British military, is prohibited and we will take measures. We have the capabilities and the equipment," threatened Gen. John Abizaid from his headquarters in Boston.

Meanwhile, Paul Bremer, the royal governor of Massachusetts, took on the domestic front in the battle for public perception, attempting to explain the terrorists' initial success against the King's forces.

"We're going to have increased attacks and increased terrorism because the terrorists can see the monarchal dynamic is moving in our direction," Bremer claimed. "But the terrorists will not break our resolve to stay the course."

Still, with the terrorists armed with weapons and apparently willing to use them, Bremer had to admit that "it will be more of a problem in the months ahead unless the intelligence gets better."

Despite the royal administration's best efforts, Britons and colonists appear unconvinced, giving King George his lowest approval rating since he passed the Sugar Tax in 1765.

In an effort to sway public opinion, King George himself attempted to explain what motivates the typical American terrorist.

"The more progress we make in the colonies, the more free the colonists become," King George decreed. "The more tea is available, the more windmills are available, the more kids that are going to apprenticeships, the more desperate these turncoats become, because they can't stand the thought of a free society."

Still, many of the King's subjects seem unconvinced.

"They keep saying that the terrorists' actions against us are a sign of desperation, but then the terrorists sent the King's soldiers running for their lives," said Paul Hamingsforth of Leeds.

"Maybe we should get out of America," he added, expressing popular opinion. "If they don't want us there, fuck 'em."

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