Colonial Terrorists Beat Back Redcoats
CONCORD and LEXINGTON, MASS. -- A surprise attack by colonial terrorists seeking
to secede from England has sent our troops packing, and has started
up the royal spin machine.
The British infantry -- popularly known as "redcoats"
in the colonies -- suffered many casualties yesterday while trying
to destroy a terrorist base in the vicinity of these villages.
Despite the setback, the King and his staff
swiftly set about winning the hearts and minds of both colonial
and British citizens.
"Irresponsible behavior, such as explosions
and strikes against the British military, is prohibited and we
will take measures. We have the capabilities and the equipment,"
threatened Gen. John Abizaid from his headquarters in Boston.
Meanwhile, Paul Bremer, the royal governor
of Massachusetts, took on the domestic front in the battle for
public perception, attempting to explain the terrorists' initial
success against the King's forces.
"We're going to have increased attacks
and increased terrorism because the terrorists can see the monarchal
dynamic is moving in our direction," Bremer claimed. "But
the terrorists will not break our resolve to stay the course."
Still, with the terrorists armed with weapons
and apparently willing to use them, Bremer had to admit that
"it will be more of a problem in the months ahead unless
the intelligence gets better."
POLL NUMBERS DOWN
Despite the royal administration's best efforts, Britons and
colonists appear unconvinced, giving King George his lowest approval
rating since he passed the Sugar Tax in 1765.
In an effort to sway public opinion, King
George himself attempted to explain what motivates the typical
"The more progress we make in the
colonies, the more free the colonists become," King George
decreed. "The more tea is available, the more windmills
are available, the more kids that are going to apprenticeships,
the more desperate these turncoats become, because they can't
stand the thought of a free society."
Still, many of the King's subjects seem
"They keep saying that the terrorists'
actions against us are a sign of desperation, but then the terrorists
sent the King's soldiers running for their lives," said
Paul Hamingsforth of Leeds.
"Maybe we should get out of America,"
he added, expressing popular opinion. "If they don't want
us there, fuck 'em."
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