25, 1:59 AM PST
9/11 Commission Uncovers Awesome D.C.
WASHINGTON, D.C. --
Working to discover whether or not
the Bush Administration failed to react to imminent terrorist
threats, the bipartisan 9/11 Commission discovered that the Executive
Branch has sophisticated tastes in midday meals -- except for
National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice.
Rumsfeld, can you please describe the number of principal meetings
you held regarding terrorists threats in general and Al Qaeda
in particular?" asked Commissioner Timothy Roemer (D), a
former U.S. representative from Indiana, at the beginning of
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's interview.
"Well, let's see... as I
recall, we had a number of meetings," Rumsfeld answered.
"Many of us met several times a week for lunch. I remember
this because, at one of these meetings, Condi [Condoleeza Rice]
got the runs while we ate an otherwise fine Italian meal at Mama's
"It's somewhere on M Street,"
Rumsfeld added helpfully. "3028 M Street, I believe."
"Excuse me, Mr. Rumsfeld,"
interrupted Commissioner John Lehmen, a former Secretary of the
Navy under President Reagan. "You said you were at a certain
restaurant. Can you repeat said name of restaurant and its approximate
locale, so that my family and fellow citizens can avoid its perhaps
"Certainly -- it's Mama's
Kitchen at, I think, 3028 M Street. But I could be wrong,"
Rumsfeld replied. "Decent lasagna there -- but if you want
a simply amazing lasagna, I wholeheartedly recommend Ristorante
Pinocchio at 1062 31st Street. It's like the chef went to school
on us, found out exactly what we like. Went there many times.
Fine, fine lasagna."
"Mr. Rumsfeld, did you discuss
the terrorist threat against America while dining at Ristorante
Pinocchio, or did you not?" Commissioner Roemer asked.
"I'm sure we did,"
Rumsfeld replied. "Pretty sure, because once, I remember,
Dick [Vice President Dick Cheney] and I were digging into our
tiramisus. Pinocchio makes the best tiramisu, I've just have
to admit. Anyway, Dick said, 'Mmm... decadent' and I said, 'Yes,
just like terrorists.' Those were fine, fine tiramisus."
As the question unfolded, it
became clear that different eating establishments throughout
the Washington, D.C. area had hosted meetings of top-level Administration
members, though whether they hosted principal meetings addressing
the terrorists threats facing the nation remain unknown, mainly
because Rice was a jerk.
"Condoleeza Rice was quite
a bitch, frankly," Rumsfeld conceded after pointed questioning
by the commission's more liberal members. "She always said
no if she didn't recognize anything, and let me tell you, that
was a lot. Who the hell doesn't know what Thai food is? Oh, brother.
Let's just say, in short, Condi was often quite a bitch and made
us eat at Applebees everytime she was around.
"Make that every day,"
Rumsfeld continued. "She was a scagging bitch every damn
Much of the interview centered
around great places to eat in and around the District, and what
a complete and total whore Rice was, is and will be. The session
ended with one final question from Commissioner Lehman, who wanted
to know where "someone can find a decent sandwich hereabouts."
"Potbelly Sandwich Works,
located at 1701 Pennsylvania Ave, is a particularly fine sandwich
shop," Rumsfeld recalled. "Actually, let me retract
that -- our first trip there was less than amazing, but the sandwich
makers there went to school on us and, on a subsequent trip,
we found the quality of the sandwiches much improved. Especially
the roast beef. We discussed terrorism there often."
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