Thursday, March 25, 1:59 AM PST

9/11 Commission Uncovers Awesome D.C. Lunch Spots

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Working to discover whether or not the Bush Administration failed to react to imminent terrorist threats, the bipartisan 9/11 Commission discovered that the Executive Branch has sophisticated tastes in midday meals -- except for National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice.

"Mr. Rumsfeld, can you please describe the number of principal meetings you held regarding terrorists threats in general and Al Qaeda in particular?" asked Commissioner Timothy Roemer (D), a former U.S. representative from Indiana, at the beginning of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's interview.

"Well, let's see... as I recall, we had a number of meetings," Rumsfeld answered. "Many of us met several times a week for lunch. I remember this because, at one of these meetings, Condi [Condoleeza Rice] got the runs while we ate an otherwise fine Italian meal at Mama's Kitchen."

"It's somewhere on M Street," Rumsfeld added helpfully. "3028 M Street, I believe."

"Excuse me, Mr. Rumsfeld," interrupted Commissioner John Lehmen, a former Secretary of the Navy under President Reagan. "You said you were at a certain restaurant. Can you repeat said name of restaurant and its approximate locale, so that my family and fellow citizens can avoid its perhaps less-than-savory menu?"

"Certainly -- it's Mama's Kitchen at, I think, 3028 M Street. But I could be wrong," Rumsfeld replied. "Decent lasagna there -- but if you want a simply amazing lasagna, I wholeheartedly recommend Ristorante Pinocchio at 1062 31st Street. It's like the chef went to school on us, found out exactly what we like. Went there many times. Fine, fine lasagna."

"Mr. Rumsfeld, did you discuss the terrorist threat against America while dining at Ristorante Pinocchio, or did you not?" Commissioner Roemer asked.

"I'm sure we did," Rumsfeld replied. "Pretty sure, because once, I remember, Dick [Vice President Dick Cheney] and I were digging into our tiramisus. Pinocchio makes the best tiramisu, I've just have to admit. Anyway, Dick said, 'Mmm... decadent' and I said, 'Yes, just like terrorists.' Those were fine, fine tiramisus."

As the question unfolded, it became clear that different eating establishments throughout the Washington, D.C. area had hosted meetings of top-level Administration members, though whether they hosted principal meetings addressing the terrorists threats facing the nation remain unknown, mainly because Rice was a jerk.

"Condoleeza Rice was quite a bitch, frankly," Rumsfeld conceded after pointed questioning by the commission's more liberal members. "She always said no if she didn't recognize anything, and let me tell you, that was a lot. Who the hell doesn't know what Thai food is? Oh, brother. Let's just say, in short, Condi was often quite a bitch and made us eat at Applebees everytime she was around.

"Make that every day," Rumsfeld continued. "She was a scagging bitch every damn day."

Much of the interview centered around great places to eat in and around the District, and what a complete and total whore Rice was, is and will be. The session ended with one final question from Commissioner Lehman, who wanted to know where "someone can find a decent sandwich hereabouts."

"Potbelly Sandwich Works, located at 1701 Pennsylvania Ave, is a particularly fine sandwich shop," Rumsfeld recalled. "Actually, let me retract that -- our first trip there was less than amazing, but the sandwich makers there went to school on us and, on a subsequent trip, we found the quality of the sandwiches much improved. Especially the roast beef. We discussed terrorism there often."

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