The New News: Satire for the Unwashed Masses
 

 

New News Corrections

In our story "Inspired by Bush's Example, Soldiers Begin Abandoning Bases," The New News failed to mention that this was the No. 1 reason why military personnel would be voting for Dubya. Sorry.

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Despite rigorous image analysis, Lewinsky claims that she could fit six hot dogs in her mouth at a time, not five as The New News reported.

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The New News indicated that Homeland Secretary Tom Ridge's only accomplishment of note was to "scare the shit out of citizens with regularly scheduled terrorist alerts every two weeks or so." In fact, he is also single-handedly responsible for the sharp increase in the purchasing of duct tape, thereby saving the economy.

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Due to a previously undisclosed clause in the PATRIOT Act, The New News is not permitted to discuss how much the American public loathes Dick Cheney. So ignore this article.

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The New News recently reported that Monica Lewinsky had announced that she had sucked President Clinton's "pee pee," when in fact she actually said "penis." The error is regretted.

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The New News recently published an unflattering picture of Health Secretary Tommy Thompson in its story, "Health Department Joins War on Terror." Thompson actually looks better than that, according to Health Department officials. We regret the error.

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In our story, "Pentagon: U.S. Torture More Consumer Friendly Than Saddam's," we initially reported that detainee Azib Hamid, who proclaimed, "I embrace America's style of aggressive investigation over Saddam's brutal sadism," is 21. Hamid is 22. At least, he was before mysteriously disappearing. We regret the error.

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The New News errored when it reported that Bush would provide Iraqis with cheap Thai hookers. In fact, he won't. However, many Iraqis had banked on this promise as reported by this news site, and rumors that the hookers aren't coming have lead to reports of a massive Iraqi uprising. In response, the Bush Administration has surrendered sovereignty of Iraq to Iraqis two days early. We regret stoking the fires of Iraqi rebellion.

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Regrettably, The New News misinformed its readers when claiming that soldiers were reduced to eating mud and scorpions in its story, "Halliburton No Longer Serving Filet Mignon in Iraq." The company is actually subcontracting its food services to McDonald's.

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The New News reported that Condoleeza Rice ate several raw fish throughout her 60 Minutes interview a few weeks ago, when in fact, her breath just stank of rotting seafood. The error has been corrected.

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In our story, "Republican Attack Machine Flips Out, Kills Nine," sharp-eyed readers of The New News noted that we had not discussed Karl Rove's doughnut of choice for that day. It was a chocolate-covered Old Fashioned, drizzled with sugar glaze and a generous proportion of chopped nuts. He ate five of them.

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The New News story, "Star Jones Gets Engaged, Eats Fiancé," mistakenly portrayed Denzel Washington as attempting to take part in the consumption of Jones' boyfriend, leading to an all-out battle between the two stars in an amazing display of Darwinian forces that unfolded before millions of TV viewers. The error has been corrected.

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The New News story, "Polls Up as Bush Starts 22nd Leg of Vacation," contained an error -- the title has been changed to "Polls Up as Bush Starts 23rd Leg of Vacation." Thank you for your patience.

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Karl "Stick to Principle" Rove prefers not to be called Grima Wormtongue in private. We have corrected the error, and offer our most profuse apologies, master.

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Oracle CEO Larry Ellison claims that he was eating a Polish sausage, not a hotdog, in the caption of the picture featured in The New News' story, Oracle CEO Claims PeopleSoft Just a "Filthy, Filthy Flirt." We regret the error.

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The New News erroneously reported that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia starred in Analicious XII: Power Stabber. In fact, Scalia has only appeared in dozens of home videos. The error has been corrected.

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In "NOAA Secretly Hating NASA Right Now," NOAA director Jordan St. John is quoted demanding a free Venti Iced Soy Mocha from a Starbucks barista. In fact, he demanded a free Grande Iced Soy Mocha.

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In The New News story, "Economy Booming!" Declares Jobless Man Buying Doughnut, we mistakenly identified the doughnut ordered as an Original Glazed, when it was in fact a Traditional Cake. The error is regretted.

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Despite his last-place finish in the Iowa caucuses, Saddam Hussein will continue to run for the Democratic nomination, despite what we previously reported. The error has been corrected.

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The new infantry uniforms depicted in our story, "Colonial Terrorists Beat Back Redcoats," aren't the actual uniforms. "Our new shizzle is way cooler than that," Royal Governor Paul Bremer claimed. The New News regrets the error.

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The New News failed to remind readers that they can download Elizabeth Smart's latest album, 2 Smart 4 KidNapsters, from her parents' website. They and their PR person can now stop calling us. Thank you.

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Rep. Bill Ney (R-Ohio) did not squeal like a soft, grotesque, odiferous, and yes, utterly impotent pigman upon hearing that George W. Bush vetoed Viagra for Congress. Although we are surprised (because, after all, it sounds just like her), the error has been corrected.

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In our report, "Tampa Bay Devil Rays Win Nobel Prize in Physics," the New News unintentionally left out Tampa Bay manager Lou Pinella's other major contribution to the scientific community as the inventor of the second-generation Wiffle ball bat. We regret the error.

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The New News had stated that George W. Bush was willing to compromise and accept $86.8 billion, rather than the original $87 billion originally requested, but we were wrong.

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George W. did not, as originally reported, call Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao a "total hotty" during a sexually charged argument about which nation's astronauts were to blame for a recent space rage incident. The error has been corrected.

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When the New News reported that millions of Americans grieved for the 10,000 French citizens who died during a heatwave -- in much the same way the French mourned for the U.S. after 9/11 -- we were just kidding: Americans don't give a fuck.

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The New News has learned that, at the time we reported fatal 80-degree weatherstrikes in Portland, the city was actually experiencing wet, freezing 65-degree weather. The death toll is estimated to have climbed to two people during this period, one to heart attack and the other to old age.

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The New News has recently learned that the British do, by law, enjoy jalapenos and linguica on their pizza, and that the quote attributed to Tony Blair regarding the removal of such ingredients from a pizza shared with the U.S. is completely made up. The error is ours.

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In "Dubya Doll AWOL From Bobby's Toy Box," we reported that Tommy White, 10, was suspected in the theft of nine-year-old Bobby Henderson's "Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush" doll. In fact, the doll has been located at the head of a pretend oil company, pretending it didn't desert the pretend Texas Air National Guard during a pretend time of war, which would earn another doll a pretend execution. Our apologies to Tommy.

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The New News recently reported that Attorney General Ashcroft preferred to use "The Hefty Man" -- a gigantic and bestselling anal-probing device -- in his Total Human Body Scan program, which was recently struck down by the Supreme Court. This is not correct.

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The New News recently found that the Pentagon thinks Saddam may take on the likeness of other celebrities, such as Paul Newman, Harrison Ford and Al Franken. Sorry about that.

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The New News erroneously reported that U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz was "beloved," "well liked" and "not a homicidal maniac" in its report, "Syria Crowned New Miss Axis of Evil." The error has been regulated. So mount up.

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The New News has learned that Los Alamos made a mistake when it declared Jennifer Lopez "eternal." Having become less attractive due to over-exposure and age, her expected life span has dropped to just 63 years.

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The New News is being inundated by strategies from Magic: The Gathering players who point out the "obvious" flaws in the featured players' strategies for dealing with each other. We don't care.

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The New News pointed out that Ann Coulter is considered "hot" by "many" conservatives, when in fact all political psychos are attracted to this sick bag of bones whose breath is something no one should experience in the morning.We regret the error. Please stop emailing us now.

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The New News reported that Ba'al, one-time powerful god and Hussein's close advisor, was the "Six of Clubs," when in fact the diety was the "Three of Hearts." The error is regretted.

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It has recently been pointed out to the The New News that 10 cases, not two, of mass suicide have occurred in France since the U.S. House of Representatives changed the name of its cafeteria's french fries to "freedom fries." Whatever.

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The New News didn't report that Undersecretary of Homeland Security and Fashion Correspondent Steven Cojocaru has a mealy, throaty, creepy -- in a word, "disturbing" -- voice. We regret the error.

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The New News had previously revealed that the U.S. would invade Iraq on Nov. 1st, 2002. This was wrong. Will you shut the fuck up now?!

 

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