In our story "Inspired
by Bush's Example, Soldiers Begin Abandoning Bases,"
The New News failed to mention that this was the No. 1
reason why military personnel would be voting for Dubya. Sorry.
image analysis, Lewinsky claims that she could fit six hot
dogs in her mouth at a time, not five as The New News reported.
The New News indicated that Homeland Secretary Tom
accomplishment of note was to "scare the shit out of
citizens with regularly scheduled terrorist alerts every two
weeks or so." In fact, he is also single-handedly responsible
for the sharp increase in the purchasing of duct tape, thereby
saving the economy.
Due to a previously undisclosed
clause in the PATRIOT Act, The New News is not permitted
to discuss how much the American public loathes Dick Cheney.
ignore this article.
The New News recently
reported that Monica Lewinsky had announced that she had
sucked President Clinton's "pee pee," when in fact
she actually said "penis." The error is regretted.
The New News recently published an unflattering picture
of Health Secretary Tommy Thompson in its story, "Health
Department Joins War on Terror." Thompson actually looks
better than that, according to Health Department officials. We
regret the error.
In our story, "Pentagon:
U.S. Torture More Consumer Friendly Than Saddam's,"
we initially reported that detainee Azib Hamid, who proclaimed,
"I embrace America's style of aggressive investigation over
Saddam's brutal sadism," is 21. Hamid is 22. At least, he
was before mysteriously disappearing. We regret the error.
The New News errored when it reported that Bush would
provide Iraqis with cheap
Thai hookers. In fact, he won't. However, many Iraqis had
banked on this promise as reported by this news site, and rumors
that the hookers aren't coming have lead to reports of a massive
Iraqi uprising. In response, the Bush Administration has surrendered
sovereignty of Iraq to Iraqis two days early. We regret stoking
the fires of Iraqi rebellion.
The New News misinformed its readers when claiming that
soldiers were reduced to eating mud and scorpions in its story,
No Longer Serving Filet Mignon in Iraq." The company is actually subcontracting
its food services to McDonald's.
The New News reported that Condoleeza
Rice ate several raw fish throughout her 60 Minutes interview
a few weeks ago, when in fact, her breath just stank of rotting
seafood. The error has been corrected.
In our story, "Republican
Attack Machine Flips Out, Kills Nine," sharp-eyed readers
of The New News noted that we had not discussed Karl Rove's
doughnut of choice for that day. It was a chocolate-covered Old
Fashioned, drizzled with sugar glaze and a generous proportion
of chopped nuts. He ate five of them.
The New News story, "Star
Jones Gets Engaged, Eats Fiancé," mistakenly
portrayed Denzel Washington as attempting to take part in the
consumption of Jones' boyfriend, leading to an all-out battle
between the two stars in an amazing display of Darwinian forces
that unfolded before millions of TV viewers. The error has been
The New News story, "Polls
Up as Bush Starts 22nd Leg of Vacation," contained an
error -- the title has been changed to "Polls Up as Bush
Starts 23rd Leg of Vacation." Thank you for your patience.
Karl "Stick to Principle"
Rove prefers not to be called Grima Wormtongue in private.
have corrected the error, and offer our most profuse apologies,
Oracle CEO Larry Ellison claims
that he was eating a Polish sausage, not a hotdog, in the caption
of the picture featured in The New News' story,
CEO Claims PeopleSoft Just a "Filthy, Filthy Flirt."
We regret the error.
The New News erroneously reported that Supreme Court
Justice Antonin Scalia starred in Analicious XII: Power Stabber.
In fact, Scalia has only appeared in dozens of home videos. The
error has been corrected.
Secretly Hating NASA Right Now," NOAA director Jordan
St. John is quoted demanding a free Venti Iced Soy Mocha from
a Starbucks barista. In fact, he demanded a free Grande
Iced Soy Mocha.
In The New News story,
Booming!" Declares Jobless Man Buying Doughnut, we mistakenly
identified the doughnut ordered as an Original Glazed, when it
was in fact a Traditional Cake. The error is regretted.
Despite his last-place finish
in the Iowa caucuses, Saddam
Hussein will continue to run for the Democratic nomination,
despite what we previously reported. The error has been corrected.
The new infantry uniforms depicted
in our story, "Colonial
Terrorists Beat Back Redcoats," aren't the actual uniforms.
"Our new shizzle is way cooler than that," Royal
Governor Paul Bremer claimed. The New News regrets the
The New News failed to remind readers that they
can download Elizabeth Smart's latest album, 2 Smart 4
KidNapsters, from her parents' website. They and their PR
person can now stop calling us. Thank you.
Rep. Bill Ney (R-Ohio) did not
squeal like a soft, grotesque, odiferous, and yes, utterly impotent
pigman upon hearing that George
W. Bush vetoed Viagra for Congress. Although we are surprised
(because, after all, it sounds just like her), the error has
In our report, "Tampa
Bay Devil Rays Win Nobel Prize in Physics," the New
News unintentionally left out Tampa Bay manager Lou Pinella's
other major contribution to the scientific community as the inventor
of the second-generation Wiffle ball bat. We regret the error.
The New News had stated
that George W. Bush was willing
to compromise and accept $86.8 billion, rather than the original
$87 billion originally requested, but we were wrong.
George W. did not, as originally
reported, call Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao a "total hotty"
during a sexually charged argument about which nation's astronauts
blame for a recent space rage incident. The error has been
When the New News reported
of Americans grieved for the 10,000 French citizens who died
during a heatwave -- in much the same way the French mourned
for the U.S. after 9/11 -- we were just kidding: Americans don't
give a fuck.
The New News has learned
that, at the time we reported fatal
80-degree weatherstrikes in Portland, the city was actually
experiencing wet, freezing 65-degree weather. The death toll
is estimated to have climbed to two people during this period,
one to heart attack and the other to old age.
The New News has recently
learned that the British do, by law, enjoy
jalapenos and linguica on their pizza, and that the quote
attributed to Tony Blair regarding the removal of such ingredients
from a pizza shared with the U.S. is completely made up. The
error is ours.
Doll AWOL From Bobby's Toy Box," we reported that Tommy
White, 10, was suspected in the theft of nine-year-old Bobby
Henderson's "Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush" doll.
In fact, the doll has been located at the head of a pretend oil
company, pretending it didn't desert the pretend Texas Air National
Guard during a pretend time of war, which would earn another
doll a pretend execution. Our apologies to Tommy.
The New News recently reported that Attorney
General Ashcroft preferred to use "The Hefty Man"
-- a gigantic and bestselling anal-probing device -- in his Total
Human Body Scan program, which was recently struck down by the
Supreme Court. This is not correct.
The New News recently found that the Pentagon
thinks Saddam may take on the likeness of other celebrities,
such as Paul Newman, Harrison Ford and Al Franken. Sorry about
The New News erroneously reported that U.S. Deputy
Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz was "beloved,"
"well liked" and "not a homicidal maniac"
in its report, "Syria
Crowned New Miss Axis of Evil." The error has been regulated.
So mount up.
The New News has learned that Los
Alamos made a mistake when it declared Jennifer Lopez "eternal."
Having become less attractive due to over-exposure and age, her
expected life span has dropped to just 63 years.
The New News is being inundated by strategies from
Magic: The Gathering players who point out the
"obvious" flaws in the featured players' strategies
for dealing with each other. We don't care.
The New News pointed out that Ann
Coulter is considered "hot" by "many" conservatives,
when in fact all political psychos are attracted to this
sick bag of bones whose breath is something no one should experience
in the morning.We regret the error. Please stop emailing us now.
The New News reported that Ba'al,
one-time powerful god and Hussein's close advisor, was the
"Six of Clubs," when in fact the diety was the "Three
of Hearts." The error is regretted.
It has recently been pointed
out to the The New News that 10
cases, not two, of mass suicide have occurred in France since
the U.S. House of Representatives changed the name of its cafeteria's
french fries to "freedom fries." Whatever.
The New News didn't report that Undersecretary
of Homeland Security and Fashion Correspondent Steven Cojocaru
has a mealy, throaty, creepy -- in a word, "disturbing"
-- voice. We regret the error.
The New News had previously revealed
that the U.S. would invade Iraq on Nov. 1st, 2002. This was
wrong. Will you shut the fuck up now?!