23, 4:26 PM PST
Bush Calls for Creation of New Department
to Fight Government Waste
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Bush has once again attempted to answer
criticisms of "fiscally conservative" Republicans that
government spending is out of control, this time by calling for
the establishment of a new U.S. Department of Government Waste,
new department, uhm... will not only save America money by...
overseeing all, uh, ex-expenditures of all ex-executive-branch
offices. It, uhm, will also... also provide practical tips and,
erm, cost-cutting coupons that all federal employees will be
able to take ad,uh,vantage of when working in an, uhhhh... official
capacification," Bush claimed.
The DGW would likely add about
22,000 federal jobs, including a Secretary of Government Waste
and hundreds of department heads, such as an Assistant Secretary
of Government Waste for Frequent Flier Miles and an Assistant
Undersecretary of Government Waste for Coupons (Fast Food).
Economists' reactions to the
announcement were mixed -- on the one hand, the new department
is sure to find great deals for the U.S. government. But it also
expands the government, adds billions to the federal payroll
and overburdens an already in-the-red national debt.
Both Republican and Democratic
critics are pointing out that adding yet another department to
the federal government is simply another example of a government
spending beyond its means.
"It isn't," Press Secretary
Scott McClellan said in an eloquent response. "That's just
crazy. Stupid crazy, even."
McClellan also demanded that
everyone "fall in line, or you'll get what you deserve."
Bush has repeatedly promised
to "cut wasteful government spending" throughout his
time in the Oval Office, but has continually sent the government's
budget further into deficit every year.
"He's following in the footsteps
of his hero, Ronald Reagan," said Dan Fanforth, a historian.
"It's neat, actually -- you say you're there to cut government
waste but turn around and spend more money than anyone before
you. It's misdirection, the best kind of magic trick. David Copperfield
has nothing on Bush."
David Copperfield, however, is
bristling at the suggestion that Bush is better at fooling the
American people than himself.
"I made a flippin' jet liner
disappear, man," Copperfield said. "I made the flippin'
Statue of Liberty disappear, man!"