4, 11:18 AM PST
Tampa Bay Devil Rays Used Performance-Enhancing
TAMPA, Fla. -- The Devil Rays, the most anonymous
major-league baseball organization in the nation, underwhelmed
everyone today when team management admitted it had fed steroids
and other performance-enhancing substances to its players last
"It is indeed a dark day
for our historic, glorious organization," Devil Rays VP
of Marketing John Browne declared at a largely unattended press
"We, the once-proud Tampa Ray Devil
Rays, doped up our athletes throughout the previous season, regularly
and without regard to their health. We tainted their water supply
and Gatorade bottles with the evil, vile, despicable stuff."
After a silent pause during which
no one asked questions, Browne described the "tainted"
organization as worthy of "the collective scorn of all those
who enjoy and embrace professional competition."
"I wouldn't be surprised
if we're more vilified than the Black Sox of 1919, frankly. We'll
be generally despised and commented upon by the sporting media
for years to come," he added.
"Sounds like they want a
little attention," said psychologist Bernie McGamis from
his office in downtown Tampa. "Negative attention is better
than no attention at all. By the way, who are the Devil Rays?"
So far, that negative attention
has yet to manifest itself. Indeed, only one mention of the "scandal"
has appeared in the sports media.
"I don't know if steroids
are even an issue now," wrote Jackson Malino, an 18-year-old
intern at Sports Illustrated, in a blurb buried deeply in the
current issue. "If an entire team that barely avoided losing
100 games uses drugs regularly, do they really provide an advantage
on the playing field?"
Chuck Lamar, the Devil Rays'
general manager, addressed Malino's attack.
"Needless to say, we're
profoundly ashamed of the actions we felt compelled to perform
last year, and expect to deal with a lot of close scrutiny by
the league, government and -- most importantly -- the fans, whose
trust we have taken for granted and indeed abused," LaMar
Rumors that the Oakland Raiders
may bring legal action against the Devil Rays for infringing
on their trademarked reputation remain unsubstantiated, and may
have been planted by the Devil Rays themselves.
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2004, No Apologies!