Thursday, March 4, 11:18 AM PST

Tampa Bay Devil Rays Used Performance-Enhancing Drugs

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

TAMPA, Fla. -- The Devil Rays, the most anonymous major-league baseball organization in the nation, underwhelmed everyone today when team management admitted it had fed steroids and other performance-enhancing substances to its players last year.

"It is indeed a dark day for our historic, glorious organization," Devil Rays VP of Marketing John Browne declared at a largely unattended press conference.

"We, the once-proud Tampa Ray Devil Rays, doped up our athletes throughout the previous season, regularly and without regard to their health. We tainted their water supply and Gatorade bottles with the evil, vile, despicable stuff."

After a silent pause during which no one asked questions, Browne described the "tainted" organization as worthy of "the collective scorn of all those who enjoy and embrace professional competition."

"I wouldn't be surprised if we're more vilified than the Black Sox of 1919, frankly. We'll be generally despised and commented upon by the sporting media for years to come," he added.

"Sounds like they want a little attention," said psychologist Bernie McGamis from his office in downtown Tampa. "Negative attention is better than no attention at all. By the way, who are the Devil Rays?"

So far, that negative attention has yet to manifest itself. Indeed, only one mention of the "scandal" has appeared in the sports media.

"I don't know if steroids are even an issue now," wrote Jackson Malino, an 18-year-old intern at Sports Illustrated, in a blurb buried deeply in the current issue. "If an entire team that barely avoided losing 100 games uses drugs regularly, do they really provide an advantage on the playing field?"

Chuck Lamar, the Devil Rays' general manager, addressed Malino's attack.

"Needless to say, we're profoundly ashamed of the actions we felt compelled to perform last year, and expect to deal with a lot of close scrutiny by the league, government and -- most importantly -- the fans, whose trust we have taken for granted and indeed abused," LaMar said.

Rumors that the Oakland Raiders may bring legal action against the Devil Rays for infringing on their trademarked reputation remain unsubstantiated, and may have been planted by the Devil Rays themselves.

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