Friday, July 9,
12:19 PM PST
Democrats Arrested Before They Can Disrupt
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following up on yesterday's vaguely worded,
scare-the-crap-out-of-you alert regarding a "large-scale
attack in the United States in an effort to disrupt our democratic
processes," Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge today
arrested the entire Democratic National Committee for "threats
"It is our belief, based
on ample classified evidence, that the Democrats had every intention
of unseating the rightful occupant of the White House sometime
in early November," Ridge announced this morning. "Thankfully,
we were able to intercept this threat before it materialized."
Freedom From Terror" began with the midnight arrest of Terry
McAuliffe, the chairman of the DNC, and continued late into the
morning as FBI agents detained dozens of high-ranking Democrats
throughout the country. The arrests of John Kerry and John Edwards
are expected to be announced at any moment.
"Today, we have put a major
dent in the terrorists' plot to overthrow George W. Bush this
winter," Ridge explained. "However, despite this blow
to the forces of evil, don't think we'll rest -- we will remain
vigilante and ready to defend your freedom to be terrified."
Ridge refused to go into details
regarding the operation, except to note that he decided to act
when it was discovered that "DNC" actually stood for
"Destroy National Confidence."
Despite basing his actions on
"classified evidence," many Americans have noted several
occurrences of Democratic disloyalty -- especially in the media.
"I done saw a commercial
-- a commercial! -- in where that John Kerry says he's gonna
be our president!" announced Clarise Beauregard, a housewife
in Cheyenne, Wyo. "He was all, 'Vote for me and, when I'm
president, I'll make health care affordable.' And I was like,
don't we already have ourselves a president?"
She added: "Thank the Almighty
we have us our Department Homeland Security to protect us from
Ridge, however, warned against
feeling "too secure" once the operation ends.
"Terrorists come in all
shapes and sizes, and most of the time, you won't be able to
tell who they are," he declared.
"They could be riding camels
while calling out to their Allah, shooting AK-47s and smelling
like non-humans. Or... they could be Left Coast homosexual vegetarian
latte-sippers driving hybrid automobiles bearing 'Redefeat Bush'
bumper stickers. You just never know.
"The point being,"
Ridge continued, "what we do know, with absolute
certainty, is we will be completely and totally taken by surprise
when the terrorists do decide to attack. Be assured: The
terrorists will rape you, continuously and savagely, for several
hours at a time, for years and years and years. Thank you, and
God bless America."
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