POLITICS

Friday, July 9, 12:19 PM PST

Democrats Arrested Before They Can Disrupt Election

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following up on yesterday's vaguely worded, scare-the-crap-out-of-you alert regarding a "large-scale attack in the United States in an effort to disrupt our democratic processes," Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge today arrested the entire Democratic National Committee for "threats of terrorism."

"It is our belief, based on ample classified evidence, that the Democrats had every intention of unseating the rightful occupant of the White House sometime in early November," Ridge announced this morning. "Thankfully, we were able to intercept this threat before it materialized."

"Operation Freedom From Terror" began with the midnight arrest of Terry McAuliffe, the chairman of the DNC, and continued late into the morning as FBI agents detained dozens of high-ranking Democrats throughout the country. The arrests of John Kerry and John Edwards are expected to be announced at any moment.

"Today, we have put a major dent in the terrorists' plot to overthrow George W. Bush this winter," Ridge explained. "However, despite this blow to the forces of evil, don't think we'll rest -- we will remain vigilante and ready to defend your freedom to be terrified."

Ridge refused to go into details regarding the operation, except to note that he decided to act when it was discovered that "DNC" actually stood for "Destroy National Confidence."

Despite basing his actions on "classified evidence," many Americans have noted several occurrences of Democratic disloyalty -- especially in the media.

"I done saw a commercial -- a commercial! -- in where that John Kerry says he's gonna be our president!" announced Clarise Beauregard, a housewife in Cheyenne, Wyo. "He was all, 'Vote for me and, when I'm president, I'll make health care affordable.' And I was like, don't we already have ourselves a president?"

She added: "Thank the Almighty we have us our Department Homeland Security to protect us from the liberalists."

Ridge, however, warned against feeling "too secure" once the operation ends.

"Terrorists come in all shapes and sizes, and most of the time, you won't be able to tell who they are," he declared.

"They could be riding camels while calling out to their Allah, shooting AK-47s and smelling like non-humans. Or... they could be Left Coast homosexual vegetarian latte-sippers driving hybrid automobiles bearing 'Redefeat Bush' bumper stickers. You just never know.

"The point being," Ridge continued, "what we do know, with absolute certainty, is we will be completely and totally taken by surprise when the terrorists do decide to attack. Be assured: The terrorists will rape you, continuously and savagely, for several hours at a time, for years and years and years. Thank you, and God bless America."

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