Monday, August 25, 2:52 AM PST

Iona College Faces Tough Division I Drinking Season

by Cappy Ahab,
NA!P NewsWire

NEW ROCHELLE, NY -- According to the latest Princeton Review, Iona College has finally hit rock bottom among Division I party schools with a ranking of 117.

To make matters more challenging, Iona has the 15th most difficult drinking schedule in the country.

Thurston Wensworth III, Ph.D., the director of the Party School Rankings Division of the Princeton Review, notes that several factors determined the Iona's last-place standing.

"First of all, Iona lost 18 starters from last year's squad -- 14 to graduation, four to DUI," Wensworth said. "Freshman and junior college transfers have to take up a lot of slack, and frankly, they aren't used to drinking at the Division I level."

"Also, there are no Blue Chunk recruits," he added.

Ernie "Binge" Hagan, coach of the once-formidable Iona College varsity drinking squad, doesn't put much faith in the ranking system.

"You won't catch us crying in our beersh," slurred Hagan. "I tell you what, this freshman class has shome veteran alcoholics. All of these kids have been drinking hard in the off sheason, and we may jusht have a few shurprises in shtore."

Hagan also downplayed several of the ranking's measuring criteria, citing that strength of schedule accounted for only five percent of a school's score, whereas the often deceptive blood-alcohol level index accounts for a whopping 20 percent.

"No, we aren't a 'power' party school with a long tradition, but we are looking to turn that corner," Hagan said. "A good test of that will come early on, in a nationally televised nonconference kegger versus Colorado in the Mad Dog Classic. I can't tell you how excited I am for the sheason to shtart."

At which point, Hagan peed himself.


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