25, 2:52 AM PST
Iona College Faces Tough Division I Drinking
by Cappy Ahab,
ROCHELLE, NY -- According to the
latest Princeton Review, Iona College has finally hit rock bottom
among Division I party schools with a ranking of 117.
To make matters more challenging, Iona
has the 15th most difficult drinking schedule in the country.
Thurston Wensworth III, Ph.D., the director
of the Party School Rankings Division of the Princeton Review,
notes that several factors determined the Iona's last-place standing.
"First of all, Iona lost 18 starters
from last year's squad -- 14 to graduation, four to DUI,"
Wensworth said. "Freshman and junior college transfers have
to take up a lot of slack, and frankly, they aren't used to drinking
at the Division I level."
"Also, there are no Blue Chunk recruits,"
Ernie "Binge" Hagan, coach of
the once-formidable Iona College varsity drinking squad, doesn't
put much faith in the ranking system.
"You won't catch us crying in our
beersh," slurred Hagan. "I tell you what, this freshman
class has shome veteran alcoholics. All of these kids have been
drinking hard in the off sheason, and we may jusht have a few
shurprises in shtore."
Hagan also downplayed several of the ranking's
measuring criteria, citing that strength of schedule accounted
for only five percent of a school's score, whereas the often
deceptive blood-alcohol level index accounts for a whopping 20
"No, we aren't a 'power' party school
with a long tradition, but we are looking to turn that corner,"
Hagan said. "A good test of that will come early on, in
a nationally televised nonconference kegger versus Colorado in
the Mad Dog Classic. I can't tell you how excited I am for the
sheason to shtart."
At which point, Hagan peed himself.
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