November 16, 3:01
Liberals Reach out to Conservatives: "Sorry
You're Such Dumbasses"
ODESSA, TEXAS --
Stung by the loss of what
appeared to be a sure-fire election victory that should have
been fueled by a combination of American outrage and common sense,
Democrats have begun a long, arduous and painful re-examination
of how they can reconnect with their conservative cousins:
Did lefties forget to address
the easily-spooked's faith issues?
move quickly enough to disavow same-sex marriage even though
it really has nothing to do with straight people?
Move too quickly to protect a
woman's constitutional right to choose?
Sound off too loudly against
a poorly planned, completely unnecessary invasion of the Middle
Remind everyone a tad too much
just how unproductive and depressed the nation has been the last
four years under the Bush administration?
The mainstream media and political
pundits on both sides of the aisle would have the nation believe
such reasons and more, but a growing number of liberals have
"We were right on target,"
sighed Lindsey Trager, a Democratic political strategist based
in Minneapolis, Minn. "Health care, education, Social Security,
domestic security, job creation, a balanced Supreme Court --
all of these things are what people want. We just forgot how
dumb half the population can be."
"Sorry y'all such dumbasses,"
Trager added. "Four years from now, we'll try harder to
use monosyllabic sentences with five words or less. Er, that
is... 'We. Speak. Slow. Er. Next. Time.' Man, that's hard..."
For national campaigns, Democrats
usually use big illustrations and speak less than 10 word per
minute (wpm) in order to communicate with those who aren't able
to keep up with real issues, but whose votes count just as much
as anyone with the ability to read this story.
"It makes it easier to communicate
with retards when, say, you hand them a comic book," said
Marcus Traverty, a Democratic pollster from Figs, Iowa. "Preferably
one with no words. Just big, simple pictures."
But Democrats -- who did not
print their comic books this campaign -- appeared to have taken
the retard vote for granted, seeming to trust Americans to see
through the elevated level of deceit, smears campaigns and fear
mongering propagated by the Republicans.
"I mean, Bush led us to
war based on a lie," wept Joline Pasquali, a vegetarian
gourmet chef and one of five Democrats in Boise, Idaho. "And
we rehire him? Anyone else in another job would have been
In 2008, Pasquali vowed, she
wouldn't speak with her fellow Idahoans at her normal rate 100
wpm. But if the response of a number of Republicans in an informal
poll means anything, it was the lack of literature that pushed
them to the Bush camp.
"They didn't even put out
one of those neato comics like they used ta done do," complained
Hadrian S. Scrant, a gun-store owner in Missoula, Mont. "How'm
I supposed to vote fer ya if you don't even try to reach out