November 16, 3:01 PM PST

Liberals Reach out to Conservatives: "Sorry You're Such Dumbasses"

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

ODESSA, TEXAS -- Stung by the loss of what appeared to be a sure-fire election victory that should have been fueled by a combination of American outrage and common sense, Democrats have begun a long, arduous and painful re-examination of how they can reconnect with their conservative cousins:

Did lefties forget to address the easily-spooked's faith issues?

Not move quickly enough to disavow same-sex marriage even though it really has nothing to do with straight people?

Move too quickly to protect a woman's constitutional right to choose?

Sound off too loudly against a poorly planned, completely unnecessary invasion of the Middle East?

Remind everyone a tad too much just how unproductive and depressed the nation has been the last four years under the Bush administration?

The mainstream media and political pundits on both sides of the aisle would have the nation believe such reasons and more, but a growing number of liberals have decided otherwise.

"We were right on target," sighed Lindsey Trager, a Democratic political strategist based in Minneapolis, Minn. "Health care, education, Social Security, domestic security, job creation, a balanced Supreme Court -- all of these things are what people want. We just forgot how dumb half the population can be."

"Sorry y'all such dumbasses," Trager added. "Four years from now, we'll try harder to use monosyllabic sentences with five words or less. Er, that is... 'We. Speak. Slow. Er. Next. Time.' Man, that's hard..."

For national campaigns, Democrats usually use big illustrations and speak less than 10 word per minute (wpm) in order to communicate with those who aren't able to keep up with real issues, but whose votes count just as much as anyone with the ability to read this story.

"It makes it easier to communicate with retards when, say, you hand them a comic book," said Marcus Traverty, a Democratic pollster from Figs, Iowa. "Preferably one with no words. Just big, simple pictures."

But Democrats -- who did not print their comic books this campaign -- appeared to have taken the retard vote for granted, seeming to trust Americans to see through the elevated level of deceit, smears campaigns and fear mongering propagated by the Republicans.

"I mean, Bush led us to war based on a lie," wept Joline Pasquali, a vegetarian gourmet chef and one of five Democrats in Boise, Idaho. "And we rehire him? Anyone else in another job would have been fired."

In 2008, Pasquali vowed, she wouldn't speak with her fellow Idahoans at her normal rate 100 wpm. But if the response of a number of Republicans in an informal poll means anything, it was the lack of literature that pushed them to the Bush camp.

"They didn't even put out one of those neato comics like they used ta done do," complained Hadrian S. Scrant, a gun-store owner in Missoula, Mont. "How'm I supposed to vote fer ya if you don't even try to reach out to me?"

"SheeeeeEEE-it," Scrant added.

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