NATION

Thursday, Dec. 11, 11:06 AM PST

"Economy Booming!" Declares Jobless Man Buying Doughnut

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

LANSING, MICH. -- Citing his great hopes of finding a job soon due the huge gains made in the economy this past quarter, Thomas Sveltbourn purchased an Original Glazed at the local Krispy Kreme today.

"Mmm... man, that doughnut is freakin' good," Sveltbourn declared as he munched his way through the steaming pastry.

The unemployed mechanical engineer, who hasn't held a steady job in three years, felt jubilant after economists reported that the national economy grew at an annual rate of 8.2 percent in the third quarter -- the fastest growth in nearly 20 years.

"I just had to get me a doughnut. You know, to celebrate," Sveltbourn said. "I'll be swimming in the dough -- and doughnuts -- as soon as these hiring types get the news."

Sveltburn's Krispy Kreme doughnut was the first he'd had in months.

"When they first opened up, I was here all the time because they'd give you a free doughnut while you waited," Sveltbourn said.

"Then after awhile, they saw I was just in for the free doughnut, so they said I couldn't get any more until I bought some."

Krispy Kreme's mandate sent Sveltbourn into a doughnut-withdrawal spiral from which he was barely able to pull out.

"I was so desperate... I even went to a Dunkin Donuts," Sveltbourn admitted, shivering. "It was all I could afford with my unemployment and all."

As he placed his order for a single Original Glazed, Sveltbourn related his story to 19-year-old Kailene Browner, a Krispy Kreme assistant manager.

"Man, I'm gonna be in here every day! You just wait! Every day!" Sveltbourn continually declared to Browner as she served up his doughnut.

"Nation's economy up 8.2 percent, and you gonna tell me there's no job for me? Hell no -- there's too many jobs for me. Just a matter of choosin', is all. I'll probably pick the one closest to a Krispy Kreme, know what I'm saying?"

Browner, however, didn't seem impressed.

"You know, when you add something to nothing -- like the worst economy this nation's experienced since the 1930s -- it may look positive, but it's really just a little bit less worse," Browner pointed out.

"Man, that's just typical negative liberal thinking you got going on there," Sveltbourn replied. "I'll take my free doughnut now."

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