SELECTION 2004

Wednesday, June 30, 5:32 PM PST

Cold War Erupts as Kerry, Cheney Brandish F-Bombs

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After several minutes of intense discussions, F-bomb negotiations between the Bush and Kerry campaign committees fell apart today, mainly due to Democrats attempt to strip Republicans of their "Second Ammendment verbal rights."

Both sides entered negotiations after Vice-President Dick Cheney unveiled his stockpile of devastating expletives during an all-out surprise attack against a Democratic senator last week.

Before Cheney's attack, the Republican's possession of the F-bomb was long rumored but unconfirmed. (Kerry's stockpile was made public after "investigative" reporter Matt Drudge found four instances of the expletive on the presidential candidate's website in March.)

Cheney's willingness to use such language -- he reportedly told Senator Patrick Leahy to either "Fuck off" or "Go fuck yourself" -- has many wondering if the world is about to witness a hot-but-quick exchange between superparties, or the onset of a second Cold War.

"It is not our wish to engage in potentially devastating curse-word combat with the GOP," Sen. John Kerry announced a day after the attack, which some have called the "spoken word version of Pearl Harbor."

"However, we will not allow Cheney, Bush or any of their cronies to wield such words against us with impunity," Kerry continued.

The White House response was almost immediate: "Kerry can go EFF himself -- that's right, that's what I said," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan declared, nearly crossing the linguistic line and apparently daring the Democrats to do something about it.

"Ewwwww!" announced John Kerry's still unpicked vice-presidential candidate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "They just better not say that again!"

But as the day wore on, cooler heads apparently prevailed at both camps' campaign headquarters when each side accepted Rev. Jesse Jackson's offer to mediate talks in an attempt to limit the use of the F-bomb in "conventional conflicts."

"We shall halt! The proliferation of such words! The conflagarations caused by such words! The deification of theeessse words!" Jackson announced. "We shall stop! The mastification of these words! Ohhhh Lord! The gentrification of these words! The abudabaleeajubanation of theeessse words!"

While talks regarding F-bombs themselves seem to go smoothly, negotiations stalled when Democrats sought to limit the use of other curse words -- including "asshole," a weapon George W. Bush made famous during his first run for the presidency.

"When talks on F-bombs went so well, we got excited by the possibility of retiring all bad language, these Words of Mass Distraction," said Marcel Flavia, a Kerry spokesperson. "But Cheney and Rumsfeld just kept calling us 'total pusses.' I guess we over reached."

"The Dems were talking about nothing less than stripping us of our Second Ammendment right to defend ourselves vigorously and verbally," claimed GOP spokesman Runson O'Hoolihan. "It was unRepublican."

When asked what would happen if the Democrats dropped F-bombs, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stated, "We're embracing the concept of Mutually Assured Destruction -- they can drop F-bombs first, but they'll get an earful next time around."

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