30, 5:32 PM PST
Cold War Erupts as Kerry, Cheney Brandish
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After several minutes of intense
discussions, F-bomb negotiations between the Bush and Kerry campaign
committees fell apart today, mainly due to Democrats attempt
to strip Republicans of their "Second Ammendment verbal
sides entered negotiations after Vice-President Dick Cheney unveiled
his stockpile of devastating expletives during an all-out surprise
attack against a Democratic senator last week.
Before Cheney's attack, the Republican's
possession of the F-bomb was long rumored but unconfirmed. (Kerry's
stockpile was made public after "investigative" reporter
Matt Drudge found four instances of the expletive on the presidential
candidate's website in March.)
Cheney's willingness to use such
language -- he reportedly told Senator Patrick Leahy to either
"Fuck off" or "Go fuck yourself" -- has many
wondering if the world is about to witness a hot-but-quick exchange
between superparties, or the onset of a second Cold War.
"It is not our wish to engage
in potentially devastating curse-word combat with the GOP,"
Sen. John Kerry announced a day after the attack, which some
have called the "spoken word version of Pearl Harbor."
"However, we will not allow
Cheney, Bush or any of their cronies to wield such words against
us with impunity," Kerry continued.
The White House response was
almost immediate: "Kerry can go EFF himself -- that's right,
that's what I said," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan
declared, nearly crossing the linguistic line and apparently
daring the Democrats to do something about it.
John Kerry's still unpicked vice-presidential candidate, who
spoke on the condition of anonymity. "They just better not
say that again!"
But as the day wore on, cooler
heads apparently prevailed at both camps' campaign headquarters
when each side accepted Rev. Jesse Jackson's offer to mediate
talks in an attempt to limit the use of the F-bomb in "conventional
"We shall halt! The proliferation
of such words! The conflagarations caused by such words! The
deification of theeessse words!" Jackson announced. "We
shall stop! The mastification of these words! Ohhhh Lord! The
gentrification of these words! The abudabaleeajubanation of theeessse
While talks regarding F-bombs
themselves seem to go smoothly, negotiations stalled when Democrats
sought to limit the use of other curse words -- including "asshole,"
a weapon George W. Bush made famous during his first run for
"When talks on F-bombs went
so well, we got excited by the possibility of retiring all
bad language, these Words of Mass Distraction," said Marcel
Flavia, a Kerry spokesperson. "But Cheney and Rumsfeld just
kept calling us 'total pusses.' I guess we over reached."
"The Dems were talking about
nothing less than stripping us of our Second Ammendment right
to defend ourselves vigorously and verbally," claimed GOP
spokesman Runson O'Hoolihan. "It was unRepublican."
When asked what would happen
if the Democrats dropped F-bombs, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
stated, "We're embracing the concept of Mutually Assured
Destruction -- they can drop F-bombs first, but they'll get an
earful next time around."
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2004, No Apologies!
The New News:
Satire for the Unwashed Masses