14, 12:38 PM EST
France Totally Bummed by Whole "Freedom
by Hesah McToole,
-- French citizens by the millions
took to the streets, many weeping openly, upon learning that
the U.S. government had taken steps to rename "French fries"
to "Freedom fries."
"S'il vous plait, do not take
the one thing that means everything to the people of France away
from us, s'il vous plait!" wept Jacques Parisine,
a local baker.
"We are a proud people, but this action,
it is be-beyond the t-t-tolerance of my h-heart!"
Simone Francois, a housewife from Nice
wearing a "Vive La French Fry" t-shirt, agreed.
"Non! Non! La
France, she does not deserve this tres miserable fate!"
Despite France's pained reaction,
Representatives Bill Ney (R-Ohio) and Walter Jones (R-N.C.),
who lead the successful effort to have the cafeteria of the House
of Representatives serve "freedom fries" and "freedom
toast" instead of traditional French fries, stood their
"France is wrong for disagreeing with
us," Ney declared. "That's not very democratic of France."
"Our fries are free, French fries
are not" Jones said. "Well, not 'free,' but you know
what I mean."
"Doctors say French fries are bad
for you," Ney stated.
"Freedom fries are as American as
the Statue of Liberty," Jones opined.
Two cases of mass suicide have
already been reported in Paris and Marseille, and more are expected.
"It is tres terrible,"
French President Jacques Chirac admitted, eyes lifeless now that
his country has been stripped of its most basic identification.
France first gained fame in America with
the appearance of the fried potato treat. Before the French fry,
most Americans didn't know France was French. Today, nearly 87
percent of Americans know that French fries came from France,
even though they actually came from Belgium.
Experts now predict most Americans won't
even know France exists by 2004.
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