Thursday, March 14, 12:38 PM EST

France Totally Bummed by Whole "Freedom Fries" Thing

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NewsWire

PARIS -- French citizens by the millions took to the streets, many weeping openly, upon learning that the U.S. government had taken steps to rename "French fries" to "Freedom fries."

"S'il vous plait, do not take the one thing that means everything to the people of France away from us, s'il vous plait!" wept Jacques Parisine, a local baker.

"We are a proud people, but this action, it is be-beyond the t-t-tolerance of my h-heart!"

Simone Francois, a housewife from Nice wearing a "Vive La French Fry" t-shirt, agreed.

"Non! Non! La France, she does not deserve this tres miserable fate!"

Republicans Unmoved
Despite France's pained reaction, Representatives Bill Ney (R-Ohio) and Walter Jones (R-N.C.), who lead the successful effort to have the cafeteria of the House of Representatives serve "freedom fries" and "freedom toast" instead of traditional French fries, stood their ground.

"France is wrong for disagreeing with us," Ney declared. "That's not very democratic of France."

"Our fries are free, French fries are not" Jones said. "Well, not 'free,' but you know what I mean."

"Doctors say French fries are bad for you," Ney stated.

"Freedom fries are as American as the Statue of Liberty," Jones opined.

Forget France
Two cases of mass suicide have already been reported in Paris and Marseille, and more are expected.

"It is tres terrible," French President Jacques Chirac admitted, eyes lifeless now that his country has been stripped of its most basic identification.

France first gained fame in America with the appearance of the fried potato treat. Before the French fry, most Americans didn't know France was French. Today, nearly 87 percent of Americans know that French fries came from France, even though they actually came from Belgium.

Experts now predict most Americans won't even know France exists by 2004.

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