Wednesday, Feb. 25, 4:26 PM PST

White House Alert: "The Homos Are Coming! The Homos Are Coming!"

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to scare the hell out the nation again, George W. Bush has called for a "revolution" against the postmodern American culture that threatens family values, the American Way and the fear of God.

"The homos are coming! The homos are coming!" Bush screamed into a megaphone from the executive limousine as he drove up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. at 2:00 AM this morning, waking imperiled residents to the reality of their situation.

"They want your sons! They want equal rights! Who will resist them!?" Bush continued, occasionally blaring the megaphone's siren for emphasis.

"Where? Where?" screamed David Sanderlin of the Woodly Park neighborhood, wielding a shotgun and dressed in footie pajamas. "No fags gonna molest my kid!"

While many would-be modern-day Minute Men came out to defend the nation's capitol, most seemed deeply confused when cleanly-shaved homosexuals wearing Attivo thongs and Italian leather shoes weren't found rioting through the streets of the district.

"Well, let's just chalk that one up to a drill," said local resident Charleston Marloe as he headed back into his home. "Never know when they're gonna ransack the city."

Around the country, other White House officials also took to the streets. "A star professional athlete is probably taking steroids against this great country of ours right now!" Vice-President Dick Cheney announced from a helicopter in Chicago an hour before sunrise.

"Terrorists are attacking your local landmark tomorrow!" Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice announced in Honolulu during the dead of night. Two hours prior to her Hawaii appearance, she had advised Seattle that weapons of mass destruction would probably be smuggled aboard a manned mission to Mars.

But why so early in the morning?

"Well, our efforts to confuse the issues among the citizenry weren't working as well as they might. They keep asking why the economy is in the dumps, why rich people should get more tax cuts, why we invaded Iraq, so on and so forth," said Bush's political advisor Karl Rove.

"So we figured waking them up in the middle of the night would help confuse them a bit more. Cross your fingers!"

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