25, 4:26 PM PST
White House Alert: "The Homos Are
Coming! The Homos Are Coming!"
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an effort to scare the hell out
the nation again, George W. Bush has called for a "revolution"
against the postmodern American culture that threatens family
values, the American Way and the fear of God.
"The homos are coming! The
homos are coming!" Bush screamed into a megaphone from the
executive limousine as he drove up and down the streets of Washington,
D.C. at 2:00 AM this morning, waking imperiled residents to the
reality of their situation.
want your sons! They want equal rights! Who will resist them!?"
Bush continued, occasionally blaring the megaphone's siren for
"Where? Where?" screamed
David Sanderlin of the Woodly Park neighborhood, wielding a shotgun
and dressed in footie pajamas. "No fags gonna molest my
While many would-be modern-day
Minute Men came out to defend the nation's capitol, most seemed
deeply confused when cleanly-shaved homosexuals wearing Attivo
thongs and Italian leather shoes weren't found rioting through
the streets of the district.
"Well, let's just chalk
that one up to a drill," said local resident Charleston
Marloe as he headed back into his home. "Never know when
they're gonna ransack the city."
Around the country, other White
House officials also took to the streets. "A star professional
athlete is probably taking steroids against this great country
of ours right now!" Vice-President Dick Cheney announced
from a helicopter in Chicago an hour before sunrise.
"Terrorists are attacking
your local landmark tomorrow!" Security Advisor Condoleeza
Rice announced in Honolulu during the dead of night. Two hours
prior to her Hawaii appearance, she had advised Seattle that
weapons of mass destruction would probably be smuggled aboard
a manned mission to Mars.
But why so early in the morning?
"Well, our efforts to confuse
the issues among the citizenry weren't working as well as they
might. They keep asking why the economy is in the dumps, why
rich people should get more tax cuts, why we invaded Iraq, so
on and so forth," said Bush's political advisor Karl Rove.
"So we figured waking them
up in the middle of the night would help confuse them a bit more.
Cross your fingers!"
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