13, 8:17 PM PST
Arnold Brings Golden Age to Golden State
SAN JOSE, CALIF. -- All the campaign promises made by Governor-Elect
Arnold Schwarzenegger during California's recall election are
coming true: The Golden State is suddenly in the midst of an
economic golden age.
"It was freaking amazing," said
Chet Scorlet, a San Jose software engineer who had been out of
work for three years before the election.
day after I voted that bastard Gray Davis out of office, there
were, like, 11 job offers waiting in my inbox."
Scorlet says he's weighing his options
-- including stock options -- before accepting a position.
Scorlet's experience is not unique: Since
Arnold became the governor-elect, the California economy has
soared exactly as Arnold had promised it would.
"I will bring back the economy, I
will bring back the jobs, let me tell you something," the
governor-elect has continually declared . Arnold also promises
not to raise taxes.
The jobless rate has fallen to just one
percent -- and most of those people are either too old, too retarded
or too liberal to work.
LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH
Thousands of economic miracles have occurred throughout the Golden
State in less than a week, ranging from free donuts in every
workplace, to some people suddenly finding themselves millionaires.
"You know, my quality of life has
shot up since Arnold won, big time," Pedro Huella of Fremont
"I got a huge raise, I only work 24
hours a week, my health care and dental are covered, I just bought
a sweet house, I finally have a somewhat-hot girlfriend, I'm
no longer a paraplegic, my mom ain't nagging me no more, my cat
doesn't crap on me while I'm sleeping and I'm never, ever going
to die, ever."
"Thank god for the Governator!"
Huella added, pumping his fist.
Millions of Californians echoed Huella's
feelings, including one lucky homelss person.
"I was flabbergasted," Sue Fishman
exclaimed. "I couldn't believe Arnold gave me a million
The one-time dirty Democrat turned a corner,
and lo! St. Arnold stood before her.
"There was this heavenly light all
around him, especially his head -- like an angel," Fishman
said. Arnold handed Fishman a suitcase full of $100 bills, patted
her rump, and was off, flying with white feathered wings to heaven.
Fishman -- who had voted against the recall
-- wasn't too proud to admit she was wrong regarding the actor-turned-politician.
"I just though, you know, Arnold wouldn't
tell us how he would fix the state, didn't seem to have a plan
except to get elected -- in short, I thought he had no practical
political experience whatsoever," she said.
"But it turns out that the only experience
that Gray Davis had was in being pure, unadulterated evil."
The New News
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