ADVENT OF ARNOLD

Monday, October 13, 8:17 PM PST

Arnold Brings Golden Age to Golden State

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

SAN JOSE, CALIF. -- All the campaign promises made by Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger during California's recall election are coming true: The Golden State is suddenly in the midst of an economic golden age.

"It was freaking amazing," said Chet Scorlet, a San Jose software engineer who had been out of work for three years before the election.

"The day after I voted that bastard Gray Davis out of office, there were, like, 11 job offers waiting in my inbox."

Scorlet says he's weighing his options -- including stock options -- before accepting a position.

Scorlet's experience is not unique: Since Arnold became the governor-elect, the California economy has soared exactly as Arnold had promised it would.

"I will bring back the economy, I will bring back the jobs, let me tell you something," the governor-elect has continually declared . Arnold also promises not to raise taxes.

The jobless rate has fallen to just one percent -- and most of those people are either too old, too retarded or too liberal to work.

LIKE HEAVEN ON EARTH
Thousands of economic miracles have occurred throughout the Golden State in less than a week, ranging from free donuts in every workplace, to some people suddenly finding themselves millionaires.

"You know, my quality of life has shot up since Arnold won, big time," Pedro Huella of Fremont declared.

"I got a huge raise, I only work 24 hours a week, my health care and dental are covered, I just bought a sweet house, I finally have a somewhat-hot girlfriend, I'm no longer a paraplegic, my mom ain't nagging me no more, my cat doesn't crap on me while I'm sleeping and I'm never, ever going to die, ever."

"Thank god for the Governator!" Huella added, pumping his fist.

Millions of Californians echoed Huella's feelings, including one lucky homelss person.

"I was flabbergasted," Sue Fishman exclaimed. "I couldn't believe Arnold gave me a million bucks."

The one-time dirty Democrat turned a corner, and lo! St. Arnold stood before her.

"There was this heavenly light all around him, especially his head -- like an angel," Fishman said. Arnold handed Fishman a suitcase full of $100 bills, patted her rump, and was off, flying with white feathered wings to heaven.

Fishman -- who had voted against the recall -- wasn't too proud to admit she was wrong regarding the actor-turned-politician.

"I just though, you know, Arnold wouldn't tell us how he would fix the state, didn't seem to have a plan except to get elected -- in short, I thought he had no practical political experience whatsoever," she said.

"But it turns out that the only experience that Gray Davis had was in being pure, unadulterated evil."

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