18, 1:13 AM PST
Halliburton, Enron Still Seeking Partner
for "Axis of Evil Inc."
DALLAS -- When Enron and Halliburton's CEOs first announced
a cooperative effort to combine their dastardly operations into
one super-evil corporation, Wall Street's wags hailed it as a
"innovative and dynamic effort" to integrate money,
politics and theft from the citizenry into a single entity.
six months later, the proposed corporation -- "Axis of Evil
Inc." -- has yet to find a third partner for the devious
endeavor, a hiccup that threatens to derail the entire venture.
"We can't just go around
calling ourselves 'Axis of Evil Inc.' with just the two of us.
No one would take us seriously. We need a third party here,"
said former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, chosen to head up the effort
due to his ability to avoid being tried in court for his crimes.
Lay first tried to find a company
with a politician in its pocket.
"Enron's got Bush, Halliburton's
got Cheney," Lay said. "We wanted a company who controls
the Speaker of the House, because that guy's third in line to
be president, but the current Speaker is Dennis Hastert, and
all he did was teach high school. Chhh! Total loser."
Then Lay had his crack research
team comb through the headlines for "crazy-evil corporate
candidates." And while the team came up with many choice
picks -- Diebold, Clear Channel, Boeing -- Lay quashed them all.
"C'mon people!" Lay
reportedly screamed during a high-level meeting. "We're
not here to play pattycake -- we're here to fuck Americans
in the ass until the streets are awash in their blood! Do
I make myself clear?!"
While denying the screaming incident,
Lay did admit that he felt let down by his employees.
"Sure, some of their selections
have promise. Clear Channel's squashing the competition, killing
free speech, ignoring the community service expected in return
for free use of the public airwaves -- but they're just doing
what corporations are allowed to do in America," Lay explained.
"Enron and Halliburton need
someone who's willing to screw America in the cornhole,
without hesitation, with spiked condoms -- then say they didn't,"
he continued. "That's what separates the big boys from the
punks like Wal-Mart and McDonald's."
One perceived front runner, Microsoft,
was off the list sooner than most people expected.
"Oh, sure, they crushed
their competition, engaged in anti-competitve practices, et cetera,
et cetera," Lay said, sighing.
"Fuck 'em. They're playing
something we -- we in the do-em-in-the-ass-until-it-bleeds-profusely
side of the business world, that is -- call 'playing nice.' Sharing
source code, agreeing to be overseen by an outside commitee --
that's for weak-ass nerds who're used to getting their asses
fucked. Bowing before government and public pressure ain't our
style at all."
Despite the dirth of qualified
candidates to take part in Axis of Evil Inc., its CEO isn't too
"We're in the golden age
of corporate corruption," Lay declared. "Someone's
stealing American citizens' tax dollars by the billions even
as we speak, just like Enron and Halliburton did and do. And
when that corporation's top executive gets off scot-free from
the most obvious and public of crimes, we'll have found our partner."
"Bwa ha ha ha! BWA HA HA
HA HA!" Lay added.
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