BUSINESS

Wednesday, Feb. 18, 1:13 AM PST

Halliburton, Enron Still Seeking Partner for "Axis of Evil Inc."

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

DALLAS -- When Enron and Halliburton's CEOs first announced a cooperative effort to combine their dastardly operations into one super-evil corporation, Wall Street's wags hailed it as a "innovative and dynamic effort" to integrate money, politics and theft from the citizenry into a single entity.

But six months later, the proposed corporation -- "Axis of Evil Inc." -- has yet to find a third partner for the devious endeavor, a hiccup that threatens to derail the entire venture.

"We can't just go around calling ourselves 'Axis of Evil Inc.' with just the two of us. No one would take us seriously. We need a third party here," said former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, chosen to head up the effort due to his ability to avoid being tried in court for his crimes.

Lay first tried to find a company with a politician in its pocket.

"Enron's got Bush, Halliburton's got Cheney," Lay said. "We wanted a company who controls the Speaker of the House, because that guy's third in line to be president, but the current Speaker is Dennis Hastert, and all he did was teach high school. Chhh! Total loser."

Then Lay had his crack research team comb through the headlines for "crazy-evil corporate candidates." And while the team came up with many choice picks -- Diebold, Clear Channel, Boeing -- Lay quashed them all.

"C'mon people!" Lay reportedly screamed during a high-level meeting. "We're not here to play pattycake -- we're here to fuck Americans in the ass until the streets are awash in their blood! Do I make myself clear?!"

While denying the screaming incident, Lay did admit that he felt let down by his employees.

"Sure, some of their selections have promise. Clear Channel's squashing the competition, killing free speech, ignoring the community service expected in return for free use of the public airwaves -- but they're just doing what corporations are allowed to do in America," Lay explained.

"Enron and Halliburton need someone who's willing to screw America in the cornhole, without hesitation, with spiked condoms -- then say they didn't," he continued. "That's what separates the big boys from the punks like Wal-Mart and McDonald's."

One perceived front runner, Microsoft, was off the list sooner than most people expected.

"Oh, sure, they crushed their competition, engaged in anti-competitve practices, et cetera, et cetera," Lay said, sighing.

"Fuck 'em. They're playing something we -- we in the do-em-in-the-ass-until-it-bleeds-profusely side of the business world, that is -- call 'playing nice.' Sharing source code, agreeing to be overseen by an outside commitee -- that's for weak-ass nerds who're used to getting their asses fucked. Bowing before government and public pressure ain't our style at all."

Despite the dirth of qualified candidates to take part in Axis of Evil Inc., its CEO isn't too worried.

"We're in the golden age of corporate corruption," Lay declared. "Someone's stealing American citizens' tax dollars by the billions even as we speak, just like Enron and Halliburton did and do. And when that corporation's top executive gets off scot-free from the most obvious and public of crimes, we'll have found our partner."

"Bwa ha ha ha! BWA HA HA HA HA!" Lay added.

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