Friday, March 21, 1:52 PM EST

Shock & Awe: U.S. Unleashes M.C. Hammer Over Baghdad

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NewsWire

ON BOARD THE U.S.S. ABRAHAM LINCOLN, IN THE PERSIAN GULF -- After a lackluster start to the "Shock and Awe" operation that promised to drench Baghdad with missiles and napalm, the Air Force finally dropped M.C. Hammer onto the Iraqi capitol today.

"My, my, my music hits me so hard / makes me say 'Oh my Lord' / thank you for blessing me / with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet," Hammer pronounced over his military-issue bullhorn as he parachuted into a bazaar in downtown Baghdad.

Hammer was accompanied by his entourage, who quickly set up a makeshift stage in the heart of the enemy's capital.

"We really dropped the hammer on them," stated a grinning General Tommy Franks, commander of Operation Iraqi Freedom. "I said hammer. Get it?"

Hammer the Obvious Choice
According to senior Air Force officers, the choice of unleashing the hiphop rap star over Baghdad became a no-brainer when Hammer took on Corey Feldman on the WB's hit reality series, "The Surreal Life."

"Yeah, me and Jack was watching that show, and Feldman seriously took, like, a 20-minute dump," Air Force Gen. Frank Thomas stated.

"And Hammer, he was like, DUDE, you can't take no 20-minute dump already," Air Force Gen. Jack Card said. "But the cool thing was, he was like, trying to save the wuss, even when the wuss was totally cussing him out."

"That's what we needed for Iraq," Gen. Thomas added.

Meanwhile, M.C. Hammer continued to bring it on -- it was soon evident that the Iraqi will to resist was dissolving, replaced by an Iraqi will to break it down.

Said Hammer: "It feels good, when you know you're down / a super dope homeboy from the Oaktown / and I'm known as such / and this is a beat, uh, you can't touch."

By the time Hammer reached the chorus, most Iraqis present were waving their arms in the air, just like they just didn't care that an American entertainer had taken their capitol.

Hammer: "Yo, I told you homeboy..."
Iraqis: "You can't touch this!"
Hammer: "Yeah, that's how we living and you know..."
Iraqis: "You can't touch this!"
Hammer: "Look at my eyes, man..."
Iraqis: "You can't touch this!"
Hammer: "Yo, let me bust the funky lyrics..."
Iraqis: "You can't touch this!"
Hammer: "Stop! Hammer time!"

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