23, 12:58 AM PST
Happy Hens Totally Stoked by McDonald's
OAK BROOK, IL
-- Two years after McDonald's began forcing its egg suppliers
to provide humane conditions for their hens, chickens are reporting
a greater satisfaction with life.
No longer crowded into a minimal space, the chickens
are experiencing the joys of lying down once in a while, and
a new-found respect for their chicken-ness by suppliers.
"What, are you kidding me? I was like,
whoa, who died and left me the penthouse?" said Chicken
1094-DAADC-03, referring to the 72 square inches of space now
afforded to all hens whose eggs end up in billions of Egg McMuffins
"I ain't never had some much room
in my life. Now I can do all sorts of things, like move,"
she added, taking a step within its nine-by-eight inch space
before bumping into another hen.
"Hey, keep your head outta my ass!"
said the second hen.
"You're in my space! You're in my
space! You best not be in my space!" Chicken 1094-DAADC-03
"Shut the clucking cluck up, 'less
you wanna dump on yo head!" squawked a third hen from the
McDonald's executives, pleased with the inroads they have made
in improving the quality of life for hens, brought the chickens
together to address the media at its corporate headquarters.
"Obviously, once we were made aware
of the living conditions, we just couldn't conduct business as
usual," said McDonald's spokeswoman Shyleen Valkenburgh.
"Once we figured out that a full-size
hen can have herself a real comfortable life living in a space
smaller than a sheet of letter-sized paper, we knew that was
the place to start," she added.
Valkenburgh also pointed out that, due
to McDonald's efforts, chickens were no longer forced to endure
"forced molting" -- a practice that increased egg output
by taking food and water away from the hens.
"Amen to that, sister!" Chicken
79141-ZY-SA9-03 interjected. "I already lay me over 300
eggs a year -- don't know how I was supposed to lay more!"
STILL SOME COMPLAINTS
Despite the general consensus that life for egg-laying hens has
improved, there remained whispered complaints among some rebellious
"Sure, I can sometimes shake a wing
now, but I wish they hadn't cut off my beak," sighed one
chicken who asked to remain anonymous.
Several other hens quietly agreed, airing
a range of complaints from being constantly shat on by chickens
above them, to untreated broken bones caused by calcium deficiency.
"I wish we could have some roosters
hang out once in awhile, instead of sending them to die in garbage
bins by the billions when they're just chicks," added another
Before the rebels could continue, however,
McDonald's security broke up the meeting with billy clubs and
Moving quickly to disrupt a possible PR
disaster, McDonald's issued a written statement regarding "treasonous
activities" among a small portion of the general chicken
According to the statement, "Whenever
you provide a better way of life, there's always going to be
those who want more than their fair share. McDonald's, however,
does not condone a welfare system for anyone, man or chicken."
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