Thursday, October 23, 12:58 AM PST

Happy Hens Totally Stoked by McDonald's Policy

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

OAK BROOK, IL -- Two years after McDonald's began forcing its egg suppliers to provide humane conditions for their hens, chickens are reporting a greater satisfaction with life.

No longer crowded into a minimal space, the chickens are experiencing the joys of lying down once in a while, and a new-found respect for their chicken-ness by suppliers.

"What, are you kidding me? I was like, whoa, who died and left me the penthouse?" said Chicken 1094-DAADC-03, referring to the 72 square inches of space now afforded to all hens whose eggs end up in billions of Egg McMuffins every day.

"I ain't never had some much room in my life. Now I can do all sorts of things, like move," she added, taking a step within its nine-by-eight inch space before bumping into another hen.

"Hey, keep your head outta my ass!" said the second hen.

"You're in my space! You're in my space! You best not be in my space!" Chicken 1094-DAADC-03 responded.

"Shut the clucking cluck up, 'less you wanna dump on yo head!" squawked a third hen from the cage above.

McDonald's executives, pleased with the inroads they have made in improving the quality of life for hens, brought the chickens together to address the media at its corporate headquarters.

"Obviously, once we were made aware of the living conditions, we just couldn't conduct business as usual," said McDonald's spokeswoman Shyleen Valkenburgh.

"Once we figured out that a full-size hen can have herself a real comfortable life living in a space smaller than a sheet of letter-sized paper, we knew that was the place to start," she added.

Valkenburgh also pointed out that, due to McDonald's efforts, chickens were no longer forced to endure "forced molting" -- a practice that increased egg output by taking food and water away from the hens.

"Amen to that, sister!" Chicken 79141-ZY-SA9-03 interjected. "I already lay me over 300 eggs a year -- don't know how I was supposed to lay more!"

Despite the general consensus that life for egg-laying hens has improved, there remained whispered complaints among some rebellious malcontents.

"Sure, I can sometimes shake a wing now, but I wish they hadn't cut off my beak," sighed one chicken who asked to remain anonymous.

Several other hens quietly agreed, airing a range of complaints from being constantly shat on by chickens above them, to untreated broken bones caused by calcium deficiency.

"I wish we could have some roosters hang out once in awhile, instead of sending them to die in garbage bins by the billions when they're just chicks," added another unnamed hen.

Before the rebels could continue, however, McDonald's security broke up the meeting with billy clubs and jack boots.

Moving quickly to disrupt a possible PR disaster, McDonald's issued a written statement regarding "treasonous activities" among a small portion of the general chicken population.

According to the statement, "Whenever you provide a better way of life, there's always going to be those who want more than their fair share. McDonald's, however, does not condone a welfare system for anyone, man or chicken."

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