Tuesday, June 1, 4:26 PM PST

Health Department Joins War on Terror

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Apparently worried about the continuing relevancy of his office during the so-called War on Terror, Health Secretary Tommy Thompson announced that he would "reinvent and re-engineer" the Department of Health & Human Services (HHS) into a "fighting force that will make terrorists rue the day they threatened the health and, erm... human services... of America."

"Without question, the most fundamental threat facing our citizens' health and, uh... human services... is not widespread poverty, nor industrial pollution, nor the lack of universal healthcare, nor chemically tainted water," Thompson explained at a press conference yesterday.

"It's not even the cases of profound and disturbing cases of generational incest in West Virginia and the Carolinas," he continued. "Indeed, the greatest threat to our collective well-being are heathens."

Effective immediately, the HHS will be divided into dozens of sub-departments designed to meet the terrorist threat head on. They will provide "new and innovative" approaches to hostage extraction, black-op assassinations, deep-cover infiltration, intensive prisoner interrogation and even low-intensity warfare in outer space.

Ann Glanders, once head of the department's Administration on Aging, is now leading up the new HHS Office of Space Safety.

"I'm not sure what kind of qualifications I bring to this new job," said Glanders, a 40-year veteran of the HHS, from her new satellite headquarters in low-Earth orbit. "But as a public servant who majored in Home Economics at Florida State, I'm used to that. And I just adore my new space-ray guns."

Later, during a one-on-one interview with The New News at his favorite bar, Thompson scoffed at the idea that his overhauled department may be replicating efforts by other government and military operations.

"What, you mean like that whole Abu Ghraib thing?" he asked. "Look, the problem with the agencies like the CIA taking charge of intensive, painful and illegal interrogations is that everyone's kinda looking for them to do it. But when you see us engaging with the enemy, you're all, 'Man, those guys would never engage in torture.' That's our advantage!"

"Nobody expects the Department of Health & Human Services," he later re-iterated after a few drinks. "Hey! I said, Nobody expects... hey, do you get it or what? Python?"

With drinks continually refreshed as the evening wore on, Thompson became more and more open.

"Hell, what do I know about 'health and human services?' I don't even know what 'human services' means, " chuckled Thompson. "I was governor of Wisconsin before this job, and I'll tell you what: Wisconsin ain't Jenny Craig. We got fat, greasy bratwursts and even fatter, greasier bellies. Hell, we invented butter burgers and frozen custard."

Thompson added: "Mmm... frozen custard..."

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