BUSINESS

• Nation's First "Credit Card Only" Diner a Hit With Non-Homeless Patrons
• Lindows Changes Name to Licrosoft to Avoid Litigation
• Halliburton No Longer Serving Filet Mignon in Iraq
• Colgate, Crest Unite to Crush Aquafresh
• Oracle CEO Claims PeopleSoft Just a "Filthy, Filthy Flirt"
• Super Heroes Sue Super Villains for Infringement
• Wal-Mart Opens Store on Recently Discovered Planet
• Ford Named Official Sponsor of U.S. Occupation of Iraq

ENTERTAINMENT

• Star Jones Gets Engaged, Eats Fiancé
• Elizabeth Smart's Parents: "We Are Not Pimps"
• Coulter Brands Christ a Traitor in New Book, "Treason"

INTERNATIONAL

• Bush Unveils Five-Step Plan for Iraq
• White House Gives Saddam Hussein Old Job Back
• Right-Leaning Pope Now Bends Left
• Starving, Homeless Children: "Mars Totally Rad"
• Bush Wants United Nations to Help Pay for Pizza
• Canadian Pharmacists Also Don't Wash Hands, FDA Claims
• Syria Crowned New Miss Axis of Evil
• France Totally Bummed by Whole "Freedom Fries" Thing

NATION

• Secretary Ridge Kind of Bored of Scaring You to Death
• Health Department Joins War on Terror
• Rapture Comes, Goes, Leaves Ashcroft Behind
• Bush Assigns White House Staff New Nicknames
• Judge Rules Arab-Americans Definitely More Arab Than American
• Lesbians Beat Out Bacon in "Things to Add to Something to Make It Better" Poll
• Saddam's Capture May Derail Quest for White House
• Massachusetts Court Recognizes Same-Sex Servitude
• Iraq or Iraqu? MLA Faces Greatest Challenge Ever
• Drive-By Shoutings on the Rise Throughout U.S.
• New York Dumping Trash on Sun

POLITICS

• Democrats Arrested Before They Can Disrupt Election
• U.S. to Invade OPEC Once It Finds Out Where It Is
• Condoleeza Rice on 60 Minutes: "We Hates the Filthy Clarke, Precious"
• White House Alert: "The Homos Are Coming! The Homos Are Coming!"
• Inspired by Bush's Example, Soldiers Begin Abandoning Bases
• Scalia Still on Cheney Court Case Despite Being His Lover
• Polls Up as Bush Starts 23rd Leg of Vacation
• Smart Weapons Failing Standardized Tests, Serious Shortage Looms
• Supreme Court Rules Ashcroft's Anal Probings Unconstitutional
• Dubya Doll AWOL From Bobby's Toybox
• Bush Won't Run on Drug-Use, Desertion, Failed-Business, DUI Platform in Next Election
• Poll Shows Americans Still Support Bush, Still Stupid

SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY

• TechTV Presents "Behind the Technology: Sojourner"
• NOAA Secretly Hating NASA Right Now
• Loose Ladies Live Longer

SPORTS

• World Champion Red Sox Relocating to Orlando
• Kournikova Ends Sharapova's Blooming Career With Extreme Prejudice
• Iona College Faces Tough Division 1 Drinking Season

MISCELLANEOUS

• Protesters Protest Protesting of Protesters Protesting Protest
• Dudes Totally Hanging Out Friday Night
• Jesus Would Fire Someone at MTV, not CBS
• Architect Worried That You're Unimpressed He's an Architect
• Texas State Fair Serving Up Fried Death-Row Inmates
• Teens Sick of Jesus Christ Asking "WWJD?"
• CA 8th Graders Reading Below Prenatal Average
• Homeland Security Dept. Raises Alert to Orange, Calls It "The New Black"
• Irish Girls Get Living Shit Beaten

SPECIAL SECTIONS

• Pedophilic Catholic Bishops Declare Voting for Kerry a Sin
• Cold War Erupts as Kerry, Cheney Brandish F-Bombs
• Republican Attack Machine Flips Out, Kills Nine

• Tribute to Ronald "Not McDonald" Reagan
• U.S. to Honor Reagan With "Man in the Moon" Monument
• Resourceful Americans Create New Ways to Honor Dead Republicans

• Schwarzenegger Keeps Yelling "Cut!" During Debate
• Don't Just Stand There! Bustamante!
• Eleven Million Candidates Solve CA's Budget Crisis

• Pentagon Releases More "Could-Be Hussein" Photos
• Newsflash: Ba'al, the Infamous "Six of Clubs," Captured
• Information Minister Claims U.S. Forces Not Even in Iraq
• Shock & Awe: U.S. Unleashes M.C. Hammer Over Baghdad