Wednesday, May 26, 3:21 PM PST

Bush Unveils Five-Step Plan for Iraq

by Tucker H. Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a rare prime-time speech on Monday, CEO Bush sought to assure Americans that his Administration's handling of the Iraq invasion was sound by laying out a five-step plan for returning security and stability to the beleaguered country. The five steps include:

Cheap Thai Hookers
Bush acknowledged that the cost of prostitution has soared since the American-led Coalition toppled Saddam Hussein's regime. Seeking to lower the cost of such "entertainment," he said that he would immediately begin granting travel visas to all Thai women fourteen years and older.

"I can understand the Iraqis frustration," Bush said. "You're paying some Iraqi woman $20 for a quickie, then you have to wait half an hour for her to get all them clothes off. That's why we need some change in this area. We see that. We need to get some of them young Thai women in there, or maybe some poor Russian girls. They'll do anything for a fiver."

Easier Access to Waffles
"I kept hearing of our brave generals eatin' 'falafels' over there," Bush told the capacity crowd at the Army War College. "And I thought they were just missaying 'waffles.' Then I was shocked, completely shocked, to learn that the Iraqis don't even have waffles!"

Bush then announced a five-year partnership with The Waffle House to be the sole provider of waffles in Iraq. Asked later outside the briefing room if the partnership may have shown favoritism since Dick Cheney once worked at The Waffle House as a teenager, Bush scoffed at the notion.

"No, I didn't even know there was a connection. We granted the deal to The Waffle House because they're a big-time campaign contributor. End of story."

An Ocean
Feeling the pain of all Iraqis who have had to wander across all that sand with a sand pail in hand, yet never able to find a beach, Bush announced plans to construct an ocean somewhere in Iraq.

"I think I'd be revolting too," Bush explained. "Sand just isn't sand unless it's on a beach. And you can't have a beach without an ocean. That's why my $287 billion Iraqi Relief Bill will include a provision to build an ocean. The Iraqi people deserve freedom, and they deserve to smell that clean sea air."

When told that Iraq was already bordered by the Persian Gulf, Bush seemed unphased.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: We are not going to sell the Iraqi people short. No gulf is going to do. The Iraqi people deserve an ocean, and they're gettin' one."

Making what many thought to be his strongest point of the evening, Bush tried to tie the Iraqi security effort with home decor.

"How can anyone be happy with their roofs of camel dung, their floors of mud, and their walls of a different type of mud? Many Iraqis are so disgusted by the appearance of their home that they are taking up arms," Bush said. "During interrogation, many prisoners have told us they are simply looking for a way to add a second bathroom, re-tile their kitchen, or increase the resale value of their huts.

"We have heard their pleas, and we are acting! We believe that the cable network Home & Garden Television -- with such useful programming as 'Design on a Dime' and 'Curb Appeal' -- will prove invaluable to Iraqis and their self-esteem," he continued. "We believe it will be the difference in turning the tide against the resistance."

Fewer Iraqis
As Bush concluded his speech, he clearly laid out what he thought was the most important point of his five-step plan: Less Iraqis would mean less "resisterance."

"Let's face it," he said. "If there were less of them, there'd be less fighting. If 10 percent of the country is revolting, 10 percent of one million people is less than 10 percent of five million people. I know these things; I went to Yale. So it is crucial that we get the Iraqis, as many as possible, out of Iraq."

Bush didn't go into specific detail as to how he intended to rid Iraq of Iraqis, but White House sources indicated the plan involved both increased military activity and the use of frequent flier miles.

Iraqi Reactions Mixed
In polls taken after Bush's speech, most Iraqis appeared excited about the prospect of cheap hookers and HGTV, but an equal amount were dismayed that Bush was pushing for the construction of an ocean and not a Disney theme park.

Polls also showed that American sentiment towards the war in Iraq seemed unchanged after Bush's speech. Those that actually turned their attention away from Fox's The Swan to watch Bush's address did agree on one thing: No country can be happy without waffles.

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