Friday, September 19, 3:20 PM PST

Western States Sick of East-Coast Weather Bias

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

PORTLAND -- While the nation's media remains transfixed on the windstorm known as "Hurricane Isabel" as it makes its way through the East Coast, the nation doesn't seem to care that the West Coast is suffering through balmy 85-degree weatherstrikes.

"It's so freaking hot right now!" said Angelina Snowden of Portland. The coffee-bar barista waved a napkin in order to cool down her hot face.

"I swear to God, I almost took my apron off when I felt a trickle of sweat run down my back. I'm just lucky the mall's air-conditioned, or my butt would be cooked."

Snowden said that several of her friends have remarked how hot it's been lately, and noted that many of them became "cranky" and "lethargic" in hotter weather, some "seriously so."

"It's a crisis, bu you don't see that on Dan Rather, do you?" Snowden said. "I'm so sick of the media's East Coast bias."

Similar complaints have arisen from San Diego, which saw record highs of 85 degrees at the beginning of the month when a normally constant seabreeze stopped blowing, to Seattle, where the usual amount of cloud cover all but disappeared for five days, plunging the city into a 87-degree hellhole.

"Yeah, I've noticed that," said Garrison Hearst, running back for the San Francisco 49ers. Lounging on a fold-out chair on a Santa Cruz beach, Hearst was visibly uncomfortable by the amount of constant sunshine.

"It's always East Coast, man, whether it's sports or breaking news or bad weather, they get first mention, always," Hearst continued. "Hey, hand me my sunglasses, will you? I'm sick of squinting."

"Sick of it, I tell you!" he added.

East Coast Uninterested
Kirsten Laphton of Norfolk, Virginia didn't seem to care much about West Coast Americans' opinions regarding their lack of national weather coverage, noting that she was about to die.

"OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE! WE'RE GOING TO --" Laphton said as a tree branch, driven by 110-mph winds, pinned her body to the street just before a 20-foot wave of flood water subsumed her body for several hours.

Government Mum
The National Weather Service refused to comment on the alleged bias, claiming it had "more important" things to worry about. A spokesman, however, said that there was no such thing as a "weatherstrike."

"Well, that's typical," snorted Jennifer Folks of Santa Barbara, who was forced to wear a long-sleeve t-shirt today because of a nasty sunburn she got when sunbathing for an entire afternoon yesterday.

"I wasn't the only one who got burned, either," Folks said. "But did you hear about our pain, our suffering? It's time for the nation to know that West Coast weatherstrikes are no laughing matter."

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