19, 3:20 PM PST
Western States Sick of East-Coast Weather
PORTLAND -- While
the nation's media remains transfixed on the windstorm known
as "Hurricane Isabel" as it makes its way through the
East Coast, the nation doesn't seem to care that the West Coast
is suffering through balmy 85-degree weatherstrikes.
"It's so freaking hot right now!"
said Angelina Snowden of Portland. The coffee-bar barista waved
a napkin in order to cool down her hot face.
"I swear to God, I almost took my
apron off when I felt a trickle of sweat run down my back. I'm
just lucky the mall's air-conditioned, or my butt would be cooked."
Snowden said that several of her friends
have remarked how hot it's been lately, and noted that many of
them became "cranky" and "lethargic" in hotter
weather, some "seriously so."
"It's a crisis, bu you don't see that
on Dan Rather, do you?" Snowden said. "I'm so sick
of the media's East Coast bias."
Similar complaints have arisen from San
Diego, which saw record highs of 85 degrees at the beginning
of the month when a normally constant seabreeze stopped blowing,
to Seattle, where the usual amount of cloud cover all but disappeared
for five days, plunging the city into a 87-degree hellhole.
"Yeah, I've noticed that," said
Garrison Hearst, running back for the San Francisco 49ers. Lounging
on a fold-out chair on a Santa Cruz beach, Hearst was visibly
uncomfortable by the amount of constant sunshine.
"It's always East Coast, man, whether
it's sports or breaking news or bad weather, they get first mention,
always," Hearst continued. "Hey, hand me my sunglasses,
will you? I'm sick of squinting."
"Sick of it, I tell you!" he
East Coast Uninterested
Kirsten Laphton of Norfolk, Virginia didn't seem to care much
about West Coast Americans' opinions regarding their lack of
national weather coverage, noting that she was about to die.
"OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE! WE'RE
GOING TO --" Laphton said as a tree branch, driven by 110-mph
winds, pinned her body to the street just before a 20-foot wave
of flood water subsumed her body for several hours.
The National Weather Service refused to comment on the alleged
bias, claiming it had "more important" things to worry
about. A spokesman, however, said that there was no such thing
as a "weatherstrike."
"Well, that's typical," snorted
Jennifer Folks of Santa Barbara, who was forced to wear a long-sleeve
t-shirt today because of a nasty sunburn she got when sunbathing
for an entire afternoon yesterday.
"I wasn't the only one who got burned,
either," Folks said. "But did you hear about our pain,
our suffering? It's time for the nation to know that West Coast
weatherstrikes are no laughing matter."
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2003, No Apologies!