Monday, June 30,
1:55 PM EST
Conservatives Admit to Pulling a Fast
One on Liberals
by Brent "The Duke"
YORK CITY -- After two decades
of scaring the fuck out of most Americans, Republicans finally
admitted that they have "pulled a fast one" on liberals.
"What, did you really think we were
just some homicidal, pro-business, anti-environment, power-hungry
monsters who hated minorities, gays, poor people and women?"
wondered Beth Harwell, chuckling.
"Jesus, did we get you guys!"
"Zowee!" Former Senator Jesse
Helms added, high-fiving Harwell.
Harwell, the chairman of the Tennessee
Republican Party, met with hundreds of her conservative colleagues
in New York to address the average American's concerns regarding
the escalation of the party's frightening rhetoric and practices.
It turns out, however, that it was all
in "good funnin'," according to Representative Tom
"Yeah, we kinda knew we were getting
out of hand when we invaded Iraq and lied about the reasons why,"
admitted a grinning Senator Trent Lott. "That's why we're
coming clean now."
"The thing is, you liberal types are
way too uptight," said Former Mayor Rudy Guiliani. "You're
always crying about 'fairness' and 'peace' and 'clean air' --
you guys needed a good zing!"
Representative Bill Frist said, "The
way you were talking about us, it seemed like you really believed
we valued our corporate-interest groups over the welfare of U.S.
citizens -- or citizens of the world, for that matter."
"It was pretty ridiculous, you gotta
Liberals React to News
"They got us good," said
Chemise Taylor, political-action manager of Affirmative Womyn
Minority Choice Control Now, a political action group famous
for spitting on male Caucasians.
"I mean, maybe I woulda gotten the
joke eventually," she added defensively. "But what
with a president willing to appoint Supreme Court justices that
would uphold reactionary laws against women's rights, minority
outreach and gun control, well, you can see why we freaked."
Scott Parker of Des Moines, Iowa didn't
appear convinced by party's coordinated turn-around.
"But what about the time you totally
beat the shit out of me when I came out of the closet?"
Parker asked of his high school tormentors, Bobby Diggs and Jack
Cloverton, members of the high school's Young Republicans club.
"Dude, you serious, dude?" Diggs
replied. "If we really wanted to hurt you, we woulda really
"I was in traction for two weeks!"
"Dude, it was just a joke, dude,"
answered Cloves, applying his patented "SooperNoogey"
upon Parker's skull. "Let it go already!"
Continue Ruling Country
"Heh heh! Remember th Florida recounts? I still can't get
over all those white male professionals 'rioting' during the
recounts that were eventually -- and sure, illegally -- shut
down ," exclaimed Presidential Advisor Karl Rove. "That
one was just a peach!"
"Or -- ho ho -- remember when the
five Republicans of the Supreme Court reversed their positions
that states' rights trumped federal powers, just to slap Florida
upside the head by saying it couldn't continue a legally mandated
recount?" asked talk-show host Bill O'Reilly. "That
one was friggin' hilarious!"
"Now, this isn't to say we're giving
back the Presidency we stole from Al Gore," Supreme Court
Chief Justice William Rehnquist added. "It's just to say
that sometimes, you lose some even when you win!
"Isn't that funny?"
Members of the Democratic Party didn't
respond to interviews requests.
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