Monday, June 30, 1:55 PM EST

Conservatives Admit to Pulling a Fast One on Liberals

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

NEW YORK CITY -- After two decades of scaring the fuck out of most Americans, Republicans finally admitted that they have "pulled a fast one" on liberals.

"What, did you really think we were just some homicidal, pro-business, anti-environment, power-hungry monsters who hated minorities, gays, poor people and women?" wondered Beth Harwell, chuckling.

"Jesus, did we get you guys!"

"Zowee!" Former Senator Jesse Helms added, high-fiving Harwell.

Harwell, the chairman of the Tennessee Republican Party, met with hundreds of her conservative colleagues in New York to address the average American's concerns regarding the escalation of the party's frightening rhetoric and practices.

It turns out, however, that it was all in "good funnin'," according to Representative Tom DeLay.

"Yeah, we kinda knew we were getting out of hand when we invaded Iraq and lied about the reasons why," admitted a grinning Senator Trent Lott. "That's why we're coming clean now."

"The thing is, you liberal types are way too uptight," said Former Mayor Rudy Guiliani. "You're always crying about 'fairness' and 'peace' and 'clean air' -- you guys needed a good zing!"

Representative Bill Frist said, "The way you were talking about us, it seemed like you really believed we valued our corporate-interest groups over the welfare of U.S. citizens -- or citizens of the world, for that matter."

"It was pretty ridiculous, you gotta admit."

Liberals React to News
"They got us good," said Chemise Taylor, political-action manager of Affirmative Womyn Minority Choice Control Now, a political action group famous for spitting on male Caucasians.

"I mean, maybe I woulda gotten the joke eventually," she added defensively. "But what with a president willing to appoint Supreme Court justices that would uphold reactionary laws against women's rights, minority outreach and gun control, well, you can see why we freaked."

Scott Parker of Des Moines, Iowa didn't appear convinced by party's coordinated turn-around.

"But what about the time you totally beat the shit out of me when I came out of the closet?" Parker asked of his high school tormentors, Bobby Diggs and Jack Cloverton, members of the high school's Young Republicans club.

"Dude, you serious, dude?" Diggs replied. "If we really wanted to hurt you, we woulda really hurt you!"

"I was in traction for two weeks!" Parker replied

"Dude, it was just a joke, dude," answered Cloves, applying his patented "SooperNoogey" upon Parker's skull. "Let it go already!"

Will Continue Ruling Country
"Heh heh! Remember th Florida recounts? I still can't get over all those white male professionals 'rioting' during the recounts that were eventually -- and sure, illegally -- shut down ," exclaimed Presidential Advisor Karl Rove. "That one was just a peach!"

"Or -- ho ho -- remember when the five Republicans of the Supreme Court reversed their positions that states' rights trumped federal powers, just to slap Florida upside the head by saying it couldn't continue a legally mandated recount?" asked talk-show host Bill O'Reilly. "That one was friggin' hilarious!"

"Now, this isn't to say we're giving back the Presidency we stole from Al Gore," Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist added. "It's just to say that sometimes, you lose some even when you win!

"Isn't that funny?"

Members of the Democratic Party didn't respond to interviews requests.

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