Friday, June 11,
11:35 AM PST
Piston Fans to Kimmel: Detroit Will Burn,
Win or Lose
DETROIT -- The fracas began with a seemingly self-evident
statement. "They're going to burn the city of Detroit down
if the Pistons win," Jimmy Kimmel noted on national television
during halftime of Game 2 of the NBA's championship series.
However, the words of the man behind
the nearly popular talk show, "Jimmy Kimmel Live,"
have set off a veritable firestorm in the city.
Grace Gilchrist, general manager
of the Detroit's local ABC affiliate station -- which broadcasts
both the series and Kimmel's show -- called a press conference
to respond to Kimmel's "allegation."
"Jimmy's statements are
out of line and completely untrue, but truth didn't stop Jimmy
from making unfounded assertions and spreading out-and-out lies,"
Gilchrist said. "We, the people of Detroit, are not fair-weather
fans -- whether or not the Pistons win or lose, we will proudly,
and with character, burn down our city. Again."
Most Pistons fans appear to agree
with Gilchrist's declaration, insisting that they'll greet the
team with a bonfire the size of Ann Arbor whether they come home
champions or not.
"If?" Glen Mackey,
a local plumber, wondered. "There's no if. True love
"You look at them schools
in Ohio and Colorado, or them thugs in Boston -- they tearin'
up their communities any chance they get, win or lose,"
said Aaron Weldja, a professional fire starter who works for
one of several companies devoted to burning the city and its
immediate environs. "We gotta keep it real."
Other Piston fans pointed out
that, unlike themselves, Los Angeles Lakers fans had no commitment
to their team.
"We ain't like L.A. -- we're
true fans. Sure, Californians 'riot' whenever the Lakers win
a championship," declared Tara Nguyen, using finger quotes.
"But where they at when their team loses? There ain't no
celebratory mayhem. It's disrespectful."
For their part, Los Angeles fans
don't appeared worried about having to celebrate a loss.
"We gonna tear up SoCal
when Shaq comes back wif his ring, lemme promise you," Andre
"Dre" Morales said outside of the Great Western Forum
in Los Angeles, where the Lakers play. "All that stuff you
saw in years past was nuffin' -- NUFFIN' -- compared to what
we do when our Lakers win this year. True it!"
The insurance industry has apparently
taken Morales optimism to heart, raising the cost and premiums
of property-damage insurance throughout Southern California to
record levels. Detroit -- with its debilitated downtown, abandoned
factories and the nation's highest number of shuttered commercial
buildings -- is barely experiencing a reason to have an insurance
policy at all.
In related news, fans of the
Raiders continue to afflict Oakland with fire, murder and bass-thumping
low rider after that NFL team lost the Super Bowl two years ago.
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