Friday, June 11, 11:35 AM PST

Piston Fans to Kimmel: Detroit Will Burn, Win or Lose

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

DETROIT -- The fracas began with a seemingly self-evident statement. "They're going to burn the city of Detroit down if the Pistons win," Jimmy Kimmel noted on national television during halftime of Game 2 of the NBA's championship series.

However, the words of the man behind the nearly popular talk show, "Jimmy Kimmel Live," have set off a veritable firestorm in the city.

Grace Gilchrist, general manager of the Detroit's local ABC affiliate station -- which broadcasts both the series and Kimmel's show -- called a press conference to respond to Kimmel's "allegation."

"Jimmy's statements are out of line and completely untrue, but truth didn't stop Jimmy from making unfounded assertions and spreading out-and-out lies," Gilchrist said. "We, the people of Detroit, are not fair-weather fans -- whether or not the Pistons win or lose, we will proudly, and with character, burn down our city. Again."

Most Pistons fans appear to agree with Gilchrist's declaration, insisting that they'll greet the team with a bonfire the size of Ann Arbor whether they come home champions or not.

"If?" Glen Mackey, a local plumber, wondered. "There's no if. True love ain't conditional."

"You look at them schools in Ohio and Colorado, or them thugs in Boston -- they tearin' up their communities any chance they get, win or lose," said Aaron Weldja, a professional fire starter who works for one of several companies devoted to burning the city and its immediate environs. "We gotta keep it real."

Other Piston fans pointed out that, unlike themselves, Los Angeles Lakers fans had no commitment to their team.

"We ain't like L.A. -- we're true fans. Sure, Californians 'riot' whenever the Lakers win a championship," declared Tara Nguyen, using finger quotes. "But where they at when their team loses? There ain't no celebratory mayhem. It's disrespectful."

For their part, Los Angeles fans don't appeared worried about having to celebrate a loss.

"We gonna tear up SoCal when Shaq comes back wif his ring, lemme promise you," Andre "Dre" Morales said outside of the Great Western Forum in Los Angeles, where the Lakers play. "All that stuff you saw in years past was nuffin' -- NUFFIN' -- compared to what we do when our Lakers win this year. True it!"

The insurance industry has apparently taken Morales optimism to heart, raising the cost and premiums of property-damage insurance throughout Southern California to record levels. Detroit -- with its debilitated downtown, abandoned factories and the nation's highest number of shuttered commercial buildings -- is barely experiencing a reason to have an insurance policy at all.

In related news, fans of the Raiders continue to afflict Oakland with fire, murder and bass-thumping low rider after that NFL team lost the Super Bowl two years ago.

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