CREEPY CALIFORNIA CRISIS

Wednesday, August 13, 12:36 PM PST

Arnold Fans Fear Loss of Last Action Hero

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

HOLLYWOOD -- In the circus that is the California recall election, it was common wisdom that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be swept into the governorship on a tidal wave of fan votes.

It turns out, however, that most fans of the action hero cringe at the thought -- after all, if elected, Schwarzenegger has promised to leave the movie-making business.

"The thing is, once The Oak is running the state, he's leaving the big screen, and that's just not acceptable," stated Kenneth Good, president of the Oakland Oak Fan Club. Good has organized several upcoming rallies to make Californians aware of the danger they face.

"Do you really live in a reality in which 'Conan the King' isn't made?" OFFC Vice President Randy Johnson added. "What about the 'WestWorld' remake? Not to mention T4!"

Johnson noted that future Schwarzenegger toy collections would be shelved as well, just before he fainted.

"Look, I love the guy, I really do, and this is really tearing me apart," Good said. "But if Arnold ain't taking out international terrorists or robot assassins or clone armies every summer... damn, dude..."

Good paused to wipe away tears.


Terminator Terminated?
California voters tend to agree with Good's sentiments. When asked whether they'd vote for Schwarzenegger, a good 42 percent of phone respondents indicated they would.

But when asked if they would vote for him even if he stopped creating Hollywood, that number dropped to a scant three percent.

Pete Wilson, Schwarzenegger's campaign manager and one-time California governor, attempted to control the damage.

"STOP SCREWING AROUND! STOP CRYING!" Wilson ordered, employing a strange, gurgling accent. "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! BENNET, I'LL BE BACK!"

Wilson then left the press conference and did not return. Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger continues not to talk to the public.

 

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