13, 12:36 PM PST
Arnold Fans Fear Loss of Last Action Hero
by Brent "The Duke"
-- In the circus that is the California
recall election, it was common wisdom that Arnold Schwarzenegger
would be swept into the governorship on a tidal wave of fan votes.
It turns out, however, that most fans of
the action hero cringe at the thought -- after all, if elected,
Schwarzenegger has promised to leave the movie-making business.
"The thing is, once The Oak is running
the state, he's leaving the big screen, and that's just not acceptable,"
stated Kenneth Good, president of the Oakland Oak Fan Club. Good
has organized several upcoming rallies to make Californians aware
of the danger they face.
"Do you really live in a reality
in which 'Conan the King' isn't made?" OFFC Vice
President Randy Johnson added. "What about the 'WestWorld' remake? Not to mention T4!"
Johnson noted that future Schwarzenegger
toy collections would be shelved as well, just before he fainted.
"Look, I love the guy, I really do,
and this is really tearing me apart," Good said. "But
if Arnold ain't taking out international terrorists or robot
assassins or clone armies every summer... damn, dude..."
Good paused to wipe away tears.
California voters tend to agree with Good's sentiments. When
asked whether they'd vote for Schwarzenegger, a good 42 percent
of phone respondents indicated they would.
But when asked if they would vote for him
even if he stopped creating Hollywood, that number dropped to
a scant three percent.
Pete Wilson, Schwarzenegger's campaign
manager and one-time California governor, attempted to control
"STOP SCREWING AROUND! STOP CRYING!"
Wilson ordered, employing a strange, gurgling accent. "FUCK
YOU, ASSHOLE! BENNET, I'LL BE BACK!"
Wilson then left the press conference and
did not return. Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger continues not to talk
to the public.
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