Tuesday, September 9, 12:21 PM PST

Leif Garrett's Anti-American Comments Taken Out of Context

by Cappy Ahab,
NA!P NewsWire

SOMEWHERE IN WYOMING OR KANSAS -- Denying any anti-American sentiment, Leif Garrett said quotes attributed to him likening the United States to "a country I live in" were inaccurate and taken out of context.

"I am an American. I'm almost certain of that. Either that or Alaskan. I love whichever country I live in and am positive that it has a bright future," the one-time popstar said in a statement.

"At least it isn't going to dissolve into a bunch of mini-countries. Not that would be a bad thing. I actually prefer Butterfinger Minis® to the honking regular Butterfinger® candy bar. I have benefited a lot from my country," Garret continued.

Riding the wave of apologies from celebrities for perceived anti-American comments, Garrett hoped to deflect attention from the controversy (or his willingness to sign a candy-bar endorsement contract for next to nothing) toward the promotion of his latest unnamed, unrecorded album.

Still Unoriginal
Garrett's statement comes on the heels of a trend in Celebrity Anti-American Apology Statements, echoing the johnny-come-lately habit he introduced in his underappreciated New-Wave power-ballad version of "Singin' In the Rain" (1979).

When asked by an online fan, Leif19345@yahoo.com, how he felt about missing the pop-culture gravy train for a record 17th time since the advent of Devo, Garrett responded swiftly.

"Hey, it took Meatloaf almost 20 years to come up with Bat Out of Hell II. He had to go through a lot of Bat Out of Hell 1.1s and so on to get there!"

While assuring his fan that his career "doesn't rebuild -- it reloads," he produced a flannel graph which indicated that over his decades-long career, he had only actually been exposed to six of the 15 minutes of fame allotted to him by Andy Warhol.

"If I've done my math correctly, that leaves more than eight minutes of... Garret-time!" Garret declared.

"That is, of course, if the Alaskan people will forgive me for any comments I've made that have caused this horrible -- and extremely newsworthy -- controversy."

Garrett issued his statement from his Leif19345@yahoo.com email account, presumably from a state with four legitimate corners.


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