9, 12:21 PM PST
Leif Garrett's Anti-American Comments
Taken Out of Context
by Cappy Ahab,
SOMEWHERE IN WYOMING OR KANSAS -- Denying any anti-American sentiment, Leif Garrett
said quotes attributed to him likening the United States to "a
country I live in" were inaccurate and taken out of context.
"I am an American. I'm almost certain of that.
Either that or Alaskan. I love whichever country I live in and
am positive that it has a bright future," the one-time popstar
said in a statement.
"At least it isn't going to dissolve
into a bunch of mini-countries. Not that would be a bad thing.
I actually prefer Butterfinger Minis® to the honking regular
Butterfinger® candy bar. I have benefited a lot from my country,"
Riding the wave of apologies from celebrities
for perceived anti-American comments, Garrett hoped to deflect
attention from the controversy (or his willingness to sign a
candy-bar endorsement contract for next to nothing) toward the
promotion of his latest unnamed, unrecorded album.
Garrett's statement comes on the heels of a trend in Celebrity
Anti-American Apology Statements, echoing the johnny-come-lately
habit he introduced in his underappreciated New-Wave power-ballad
version of "Singin' In the Rain" (1979).
When asked by an online fan, Leif19345@yahoo.com,
how he felt about missing the pop-culture gravy train for a record
17th time since the advent of Devo, Garrett responded swiftly.
"Hey, it took Meatloaf almost 20 years
to come up with Bat Out of Hell II. He had to go through
a lot of Bat Out of Hell 1.1s and so on to get there!"
While assuring his fan that his career
"doesn't rebuild -- it reloads," he produced a flannel
graph which indicated that over his decades-long career, he had
only actually been exposed to six of the 15 minutes of fame allotted
to him by Andy Warhol.
"If I've done my math correctly, that
leaves more than eight minutes of... Garret-time!" Garret
"That is, of course, if the Alaskan
people will forgive me for any comments I've made that have caused
this horrible -- and extremely newsworthy -- controversy."
Garrett issued his statement from his Leif19345@yahoo.com
email account, presumably from a state with four legitimate corners.
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2003, No Apologies!