5, 12:45 PM PST
Mad Cow Beef Found in Every Arby's, Your
HOME TOWN, USA The U.S. Department of Agriculture
has once again widened its recall of beef products linked to
mad cow disease, this time to all 50 states, every Arby's outlet
and your refrigerator.
no need for you to panic," Ken Petersen of USDA's Food Safety
Inspection Service told you. "The risk to you is essentially
zero because all the infected parts were removed before you bought
your beef. Probably."
"But we still ask that you
don't consume that ground chuck, and if you have, to call us
immediately at 700-I-AM-DEAD," Petersen added quickly.
However, calling is not mandatory
because, as the USDA website states, you may have consigned yourself
to a lifetime of craziness and disability, so it really doesn't
And since you did eat
that beef, well...
"Well, at least I'm not
one of those poor bastards who ate their ground beef AND ate
at Arby's," you said at a hastily arranged press conference.
"You'd be crazy to eat that
crap, even if mad cow weren't a threat," you later told
a very interested reporter.
Arby's, however, is not happy
with your implied characterization of its products or reputation.
"We have Tom freakin' Arnold
pushing our products," declared Arby's spokesperson Deborah
Deschiles from the fast-food chain's corporate headquarters.
"Do you? Well?"
"Arby's sucks!" you
"How dare you!" you
screamed, flipping Deschiles off.
"How about this -- we don't
suck, Canada sucks! This whole mess is their fault, anyway,"
Deschiles suggested, and because you are proud to be an American
and are still pissed off that the Canadians didn't help out in
the Second Gulf War, you agreed.
Created by the British in an
attempt to break the royal family's monopoly on lunacy, mad cow
disease was voted "Least Likely to be Invited to a Party"
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