NATION

Monday, January 5, 12:45 PM PST

Mad Cow Beef Found in Every Arby's, Your House

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

HOME TOWN, USA ­ The U.S. Department of Agriculture has once again widened its recall of beef products linked to mad cow disease, this time to all 50 states, every Arby's outlet and your refrigerator.

"There's no need for you to panic," Ken Petersen of USDA's Food Safety Inspection Service told you. "The risk to you is essentially zero because all the infected parts were removed before you bought your beef. Probably."

"But we still ask that you don't consume that ground chuck, and if you have, to call us immediately at 700-I-AM-DEAD," Petersen added quickly.

However, calling is not mandatory because, as the USDA website states, you may have consigned yourself to a lifetime of craziness and disability, so it really doesn't matter.

And since you did eat that beef, well...

"Well, at least I'm not one of those poor bastards who ate their ground beef AND ate at Arby's," you said at a hastily arranged press conference.

"You'd be crazy to eat that crap, even if mad cow weren't a threat," you later told a very interested reporter.

Arby's, however, is not happy with your implied characterization of its products or reputation.

"We have Tom freakin' Arnold pushing our products," declared Arby's spokesperson Deborah Deschiles from the fast-food chain's corporate headquarters. "Do you? Well?"

"Arby's sucks!" you shot back.

"PETA lover!"

"How dare you!" you screamed, flipping Deschiles off.

"How about this -- we don't suck, Canada sucks! This whole mess is their fault, anyway," Deschiles suggested, and because you are proud to be an American and are still pissed off that the Canadians didn't help out in the Second Gulf War, you agreed.

Created by the British in an attempt to break the royal family's monopoly on lunacy, mad cow disease was voted "Least Likely to be Invited to a Party" in 2001.

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