Monday, July 28,
9:01 PM PST
Mars Regrets Past Mistakes, Wants Life
by Brent "The Duke"
The fourth planet of the solar system called a press conference
yesterday to announce that he would welcome living beings back
on his surface again, if there were any takers.
Mars drove life from his surface millenia ago with
an incredible series of extinction events, including volcanic
eruptions, water withdrawal and switching the atmosphere from
a life-sustaining oxygen-nitrogen mix to carbon dioxide.
"Yeah, I guess I was kind of a jerk,"
Mars said, attempting to insert levity into the conference.
Asked why he should be entrusted with mortals
of his own, the Red Planet grew serious.
"You know, that first time, I was
very young," he said, shaking his head and stifling tears.
"And yeah, the first few million years were cool and I didn't
have to deal with you crawling into my, well... secret spots."
The planet said that a recent conversation
with Earth made him realize that he wanted a second shot at life.
"As you know, we're currently as close
as we have been in 60,000 years," Mars explained. "And
Terra, she's looking good -- a little haggard, polluted, but
"Me, I'm just jacking off out here,
whirling through intra-solar space with just these two clowns
[the two major satellites of Mars] to keep me company,"
he continued. "I mean, Phobus is barely an asteroid and
Deimos is just retarded."
And why did Mars extinguish life in the
"The farting," he said. "You
guys can really stink up a place."
"Oh, it wasn't just that," Mars
continued. "I mean, that pissed me off, sure, but all the
digging, talking, farming, stomping, building, grunting -- it
was just hard to deal with sometimes."
"But I've changed," he added.
"I really have."
Mars claims to have grown up and no longer
worries about the "superficial stuff." However, the
planet still has some conditions regarding lifeforms living upon
"All that shit was really gross,
so we'd have to work something out," Mars said. "You
try getting splattered with feces a several billion times a day.
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