Monday, July 28, 9:01 PM PST

Mars Regrets Past Mistakes, Wants Life Back

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

MARS -- The fourth planet of the solar system called a press conference yesterday to announce that he would welcome living beings back on his surface again, if there were any takers.

Mars drove life from his surface millenia ago with an incredible series of extinction events, including volcanic eruptions, water withdrawal and switching the atmosphere from a life-sustaining oxygen-nitrogen mix to carbon dioxide.

"Yeah, I guess I was kind of a jerk," Mars said, attempting to insert levity into the conference.

Asked why he should be entrusted with mortals of his own, the Red Planet grew serious.

"You know, that first time, I was very young," he said, shaking his head and stifling tears. "And yeah, the first few million years were cool and I didn't have to deal with you crawling into my, well... secret spots."

The planet said that a recent conversation with Earth made him realize that he wanted a second shot at life.

"As you know, we're currently as close as we have been in 60,000 years," Mars explained. "And Terra, she's looking good -- a little haggard, polluted, but fulfilled."

"Me, I'm just jacking off out here, whirling through intra-solar space with just these two clowns [the two major satellites of Mars] to keep me company," he continued. "I mean, Phobus is barely an asteroid and Deimos is just retarded."

And why did Mars extinguish life in the first place?

"The farting," he said. "You guys can really stink up a place."

"Oh, it wasn't just that," Mars continued. "I mean, that pissed me off, sure, but all the digging, talking, farming, stomping, building, grunting -- it was just hard to deal with sometimes."

"But I've changed," he added. "I really have."

Mars claims to have grown up and no longer worries about the "superficial stuff." However, the planet still has some conditions regarding lifeforms living upon his surface.

"All that shit was really gross, so we'd have to work something out," Mars said. "You try getting splattered with feces a several billion times a day. Not fun."



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