Tuesday, April 15, 11: PM EST

Syria Crowned New Miss Axis of Evil

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Amid much pomp and circumstance, the U.S. Department of Defense crowned Syria the new Miss Axis of Evil 2003 Monday night.

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!" Syria cried, fanning the air as it wept upon being recognized -- along with Iran and North Korea -- as among world's most evil countries. Syria beat out Cuba and China in the final round of the pageant.

Jubilant Syrians danced in the streets upon hearing the news. "It's just amazing," Shopak Azim, a shopkeeper, declared.

"For decades, we worked hard to be recognized as the pre-eminent evil power, what with being against Israel, supporting Hezbollah, all that," he said.

"And now, now it's all paid off!"

Iraq -- the first pick for 2003 Miss Axis of Evil -- had to relinquish the title due to unspecified personal circumstances. Coincidentally, Iraq is now occupied by U.S. forces.

Decision Was Easy to Make
According to the judges -- U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz and Satan, the Prince of Lies -- the decision wasn't as close as it initially appeared.

"Going into the last round, it looked like China and Cuba definitely had what it took to win," Satan stated.

"But China isn't next to Israel, while Cuba isn't next to Israel either," Wolfowitz said. "Syria definitely is."

"China... I dunno, it frankly doesn't have the umph, that certain top-notch wickedness," Satan added. "And Cuba had that too-little, too-late run with its crackdown on political dissidents."

"Besides, Cuba isn't in conflict with the State of Israel and China isn't either," Wolfowitz said. "Yet."

Syria's Reign Will Be Short
"Syria will find out that its time as part of the Axis of Evil will quickly fly by," Iraq said, weeping as it relinquished its title. "Fly by like a B-52."

When asked if it had any last-minute advice for Syria, Iraq replied, "All I can say is this: Don't forget to look around and appreciate your new position as Earth's premier evil country -- before you know it, you'll be invaded and occupied by infidels. Good luck!"

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