15, 11: PM EST
Syria Crowned New Miss Axis of Evil
by Hesah McToole,
D.C. -- Amid much pomp and circumstance, the U.S. Department
of Defense crowned Syria the new Miss Axis of Evil 2003 Monday
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!" Syria
cried, fanning the air as it wept upon being recognized -- along
with Iran and North Korea -- as among world's most evil countries.
Syria beat out Cuba and China in the final round of the pageant.
Jubilant Syrians danced in the streets
upon hearing the news. "It's just amazing," Shopak
Azim, a shopkeeper, declared.
"For decades, we worked hard to be
recognized as the pre-eminent evil power, what with being against
Israel, supporting Hezbollah, all that," he said.
"And now, now it's all paid off!"
Iraq -- the first pick for 2003 Miss Axis
of Evil -- had to relinquish the title due to unspecified personal
circumstances. Coincidentally, Iraq is now occupied by U.S. forces.
Decision Was Easy to Make
According to the judges -- U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul
Wolfowitz and Satan, the Prince of Lies -- the decision wasn't
as close as it initially appeared.
"Going into the last round, it looked
like China and Cuba definitely had what it took to win,"
"But China isn't next to Israel, while
Cuba isn't next to Israel either," Wolfowitz said. "Syria
"China... I dunno, it frankly doesn't
have the umph, that certain top-notch wickedness,"
Satan added. "And Cuba had that too-little, too-late run
with its crackdown on political dissidents."
"Besides, Cuba isn't in conflict with
the State of Israel and China isn't either," Wolfowitz said.
Syria's Reign Will Be Short
"Syria will find out that its time as part of the Axis of
Evil will quickly fly by," Iraq said, weeping as it relinquished
its title. "Fly by like a B-52."
When asked if it had any last-minute advice
for Syria, Iraq replied, "All I can say is this: Don't forget
to look around and appreciate your new position as Earth's premier
evil country -- before you know it, you'll be invaded and occupied
by infidels. Good luck!"
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2003, No Apologies!