Wednesday, May 14, 2:02 PM EST

Recap: All the News That Was Fit to Miss

by Cappy Ahab,
NA!P NewsWire

NA!P NEWSWIRE -- A number of minor news events were not covered during Gulf War II, due in part to the sensational but woefully overreported "Armless Iraqi Orphan" 48-hour marathon coverage during Sweeps Week.

Here is what most Americans missed:

  • Pope John Paul II declared himself "fundamentally fallible" after mistaking Michelangelo's statue of David for an excitable Lutheran.

  • Al Gore was declared the winner of the 2000 Presidential election by several leading policy wonks, including Eddie Vedder, Tony Randall and a Dixie Chick.

  • New Mexico seceded from the Union, citing the "No one pays us any mind around here!" clause of the New Mexican Constitution.

  • In Ashland City, Tennessee, notorious car bomber Sirhan Bistro was slain by local authorities for driving a Saab "very ostentatiously."

  • Air Force One was hijacked by international terrorists. Harrison Ford was unharmed.

  • The U.S. Senate forgave Senator Trent Lott's student loan debt by transferring it to Tom Daschle's account.

  • The Lego corporation partnered with Nintendo to produce VirtualLegosX, a 3-D first-person video game where the object is to rake through a pile of plastic bits to find that freaky looking upside-down yellow slopey thing with ridges on the back. Also, half-naked prostitutes are featured. Rated M for drawing the attention of underage boys with disposable income.

  • The Lord of the Rings/X-Men crossover film grossed more than Titanic and Pluto Nash combined.

  • France invaded Paris and lost.


The New News | No Apologies! Press

Copyright © 2003, No Apologies! Press