15, 3:12 PM PST
Bush Finally Remembers a Mistake He Made
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House called a second press
conference today to clarify statements George W. Bush made when
commenting on "mistakes" he'd made during a national
address last Tuesday.
"After 9/11, what would
your biggest mistake be, would you say, and what lessons have
learned from it?" a reporter had asked after the address.
know, I just -- I'm sure something will pop into my head here
in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure
of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet," Bush
"Wait, I know," Bush
later added. "I ate all the peanuts that one time."
The White House had hoped such
statements would show Americans that Bush was a leader, but with
polls indicating that 60 percent of the American public remain
unconvinced, the administration pulled an all-nighter to rifle
through various mistakes with which Bush could "come clean."
"Thank you for coming today,"
Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. "The president has
given much thought to the question posed to him the previous
night regarding his mistakes, the answer he gave, and the forthcoming
"Is it about invading Iraq
without planning for the aftermath?" interrupted one eager
"No. It concerns --"
"Is Bush admitting that
he may have been mistaken to claim Saddam definitely had WMDs
when he didn't?" asked another.
"No, of course not, he's
sticking with that one for now," McClellan answered. "It's
"How about concentrating
on a missile defense when the real threat was terrorism, which,
at the time, was envisioned being conducted with suitcase nukes
and/or biological and/or chemical weapons?" inquired yet
another reporter. "Is that the mistake?"
"No, uh, no," McClellan
said. "And actually, technically, technically, that mistake
occurred before 9/11, right? Let me stress that point -- that
mistake occurred before 9/11."
"Is the clarification regarding
Mr. Bush's mistake about attacking Iraq in the first place, when
in fact the War on Terror had nothing to do with Iraq at all,
especially because Saddam was probably instrumental in suppressing
terrorist groups in the region?" asked a fourth reporter.
"No! Everyone -- shut up!"
McClellan answered. Once the room had settled down, he continued
"Mr. Bush would like to
explain that, while he did actually eat all the peanuts
that one time during a key meeting -- which had gone on for several
hours, well after lunch time, just to provide some context --
he didn't actually eat all the nuts. The nuts were a mix
of peanuts, almonds, cashews, hazelnuts and Brazil nuts. Bush
only -- I repeat, only -- ate the peanuts, leaving the
rest for Don Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Dick Cheney and Ugly Rice."
McClellan immediately ammended
his comment. "Uh... not Ugly. I mean Condoleezza."
Moments later, McClellan indicated
that perhaps hunger had something to do with Wolfowitz, Cheney,
Rumsfeld and Rice coming up with "that crazy plan"
to invade Iraq in the first place.
"They only had nuts, you
see," McClellan said, shrugging.
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