SELECTION 2004

Wednesday, July 14, 8:49 PM PST

Monica Lewinsky to Speak at Republican Convention

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

NEW YORK -- Struggling to answer the Democrats, who recently revealed that they would feature Ronald Reagan, Jr. at their national convention in two weeks, Republicans today announced that they had "scored" Monica Lewinsky to speak at its own convention a month later.

"It's pretty sweet," said Rombert Noalls, a spokesman for the Republican National Committee. "Monica's a polarizing figure, she'll easily be the hottest chick there, and I think I'm gonna score!"

Excerpts of Lewinky's speech, while under lock and key, have been leaked to the Internet.

"Remember when I sucked the president's pee-pee?" the notes read. "Wasn't that bad? He shouldn't have done that, because, like, he wasn't supposed to? I think Clinton must have, like, betrayed America? Totally?"

Not all Republicans are happy with the prospect of President Bill Clinton's intern addressing the Grand Old Party -- especially Christian fundamentalists, who don't like competing against anyone in the "Most Offensive to Most Americans" category.

"Isn't she totally fat?" wondered Daman Travolti, a Christian from Morrison, Colo. "A honkin' huge whore? Like, a Butterball Turkey whore? If you're gonna have a whore, why not a boyishly thin whore like Anne Coulter?

"Man alive, what a tremendously gigantic whore!" Travolti continued.

Other Republicans, however, are excited by the symbolism.

"We've been needing something since the Tragedy of 1996," said Trent Graham, referring to the time when Bessie the Elephant trampled three people at that year's Republican convention, which ended the party's long tradition of displaying large animals at its events.

"I miss Betsy, I love animals," Graham said. "But I guess we got us something demonstrably bigger, now."

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