14, 8:49 PM PST
Monica Lewinsky to Speak at Republican
NEW YORK -- Struggling to answer the Democrats, who
recently revealed that they would feature Ronald Reagan, Jr.
at their national convention in two weeks, Republicans today
announced that they had "scored" Monica Lewinsky to
speak at its own convention a month later.
pretty sweet," said Rombert Noalls, a spokesman for the
Republican National Committee. "Monica's a polarizing figure,
she'll easily be the hottest chick there, and I think I'm gonna
Excerpts of Lewinky's speech,
while under lock and key, have been leaked to the Internet.
"Remember when I sucked
the president's pee-pee?" the notes read. "Wasn't that
bad? He shouldn't have done that, because, like, he wasn't supposed
to? I think Clinton must have, like, betrayed America? Totally?"
Not all Republicans are happy
with the prospect of President Bill Clinton's intern addressing
the Grand Old Party -- especially Christian fundamentalists,
who don't like competing against anyone in the "Most Offensive
to Most Americans" category.
"Isn't she totally fat?"
wondered Daman Travolti, a Christian from Morrison, Colo. "A
honkin' huge whore? Like, a Butterball Turkey whore? If you're
gonna have a whore, why not a boyishly thin whore like Anne Coulter?
"Man alive, what a tremendously
gigantic whore!" Travolti continued.
Other Republicans, however, are
excited by the symbolism.
"We've been needing something
since the Tragedy of 1996," said Trent Graham, referring
to the time when Bessie the Elephant trampled three people at
that year's Republican convention, which ended the party's long
tradition of displaying large animals at its events.
"I miss Betsy, I love animals,"
Graham said. "But I guess we got us something demonstrably