15, 4:45 PM PST
Lepers, Outcasts, Belgians Throughout
History Created "Magic: The Gathering"
by Brent "The Duke"
CALIF. -- Refuting Dr. Richard
Garfield's claim of being the creator of "Magic: The Gathering"
(MTG), a collectible card game popular among misfits, archeologists
announced today that it was actually developed by different societies
The nine-year study tracked MTG's development
throughout several historic groups, with its first appearance
among Middle Eastern leper colonies, circa 250 B.C.
"Certainly these games were not as
complex as the modern equivalent is today," announced Prof.
Hubert Klinesman of the University of California, lead archeologist
of the study.
"In the case of the leper colonies,
it simply amounted to 'tapping' each other to inflict 'damage'
upon one's opponent, often resulting in a digit or limb falling
The modern game -- featuring elements of
mythological fantasy such as elves, spells, dragons and big-bosomed
angels -- is played by two or more losers "battling"
for "supremacy" over the other in an effort to escape
the horrific realities of their listless, loveless lives.
"The lepers who created the game were
the lowest of the low, kept from wielding any sort of political,
social, religious or physical control over others because of
their disgusting appearances," Klinesman stated. "Much
like modern Magic players."
Player Talks About His Favorite
Magic Deck Rather than Addressing the Story at Hand
"When I was playing with my favorite 'Fallen Empires' deck,
I would totally dominate because I had Thallids that kept making
more Thallids -- including a few Feral Thallids, so you know
where I'm going with this, heh heh," said Randy Hughes of
San Jose, CA.
"Soon, I would have an infinite army that couldn't lose!
Unless of course someone played a Wrath of God, but that's weak
-- and everyone who plays Magic with honor knows it."
Hughes added, "THIS MEANS YOU, JERRY
SAKELSON! Thou art a cur!"
Indian Outcasts Reveled in
Klinesman and his team traced the game's development from the
Middle East to India -- specifically, the Dravidians, more commonly
known as "The Untouchables." Priests (Brahmans), warriors
and even farmers reviled this lowest-of-the-low caste.
Naturally, The Untouchables embraced MTG.
"They didn't call it Magic: The Gathering
back then," Klinesmen says. "They called it 'We Will
Kill the Brahmans With Our Magic.' It appears to have been an
attempt to cast a spell against their popular oppressors."
The Dravidians were the first to use cards,
then made from pungent cowhide. Among the most sought out cards
were "Curse of Kali Upon the Brahmans" and "May
an Itch of the Genitals Be Visited Upon the Brahmans."
Player Wants to Talk About the First Player Who Called Him a
"I can't believe the temerity of that rascal, calling me
a cur," Jerry Sackelson said. "Just because I obliterated
Randy's quote-unquote Infinite Army with a well-played Wrath
Sackelson continued: "I mean, Randy
was basically begging to get Wrathed, always showing up every
night with that same-ass deck, talking about going pro with it.
He acted like he was some kind of genius, as if no one had ever
thought that deck up before."
"TCCH, loser," he added.
MTG Gives Way to Sense of
Once the Untouchables introduced the card concept, the game spread
throughout Asia, Africa and Europe. Klinesman's team found evidence
of MTG-style games played by midget jesters of Medieval Austria,
plagued-stricken French peasants in the 14th century, and the
Irish until the 1920s.
"A relation is evident between the
groups who play Magic and a lack of authority, appeal, charisma,
beauty, masculinity and command," Klinesman noted. "When
at some point a group does actually amount to something, they
abandon the game."
Klinesman points to the Belgians, who developed
the most sophisticated version of MTG to date over a period of
three centuries, from the 16th century through the 19th. During
this time, Belgium was Spain's bitch and surrounded by dynamic,
on-the-go nations such as England, the Netherlands, Prussia and
When Belgium gained its independence in
1831, MTG disappeared.
"It's like Belgians decided they had
to do something -- get a job, get a girlfriend, rule an African
empire, whatever -- rather than argue over whose interpretation
of the rules was correct," Klinesman said.
Denies It All
Dr. Garfield, the so-called inventor of MTG, believe Klinesman's
decade-long study is worthless.
"I AM THE ONLY MAD MOTHAFUCKA TO THINKS
UP MONSTAH MAGIC HIJINKS! Y'ALL IS PUNK-ASS BIZZITCHES!"
Garfield declared in a phone interview before hanging up. He
would not return calls for further interviews.
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