Wednesday, July 15, 4:45 PM PST

Lepers, Outcasts, Belgians Throughout History Created "Magic: The Gathering"

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

BERKELEY, CALIF. -- Refuting Dr. Richard Garfield's claim of being the creator of "Magic: The Gathering" (MTG), a collectible card game popular among misfits, archeologists announced today that it was actually developed by different societies throughout history.

The nine-year study tracked MTG's development throughout several historic groups, with its first appearance among Middle Eastern leper colonies, circa 250 B.C.

"Certainly these games were not as complex as the modern equivalent is today," announced Prof. Hubert Klinesman of the University of California, lead archeologist of the study.

"In the case of the leper colonies, it simply amounted to 'tapping' each other to inflict 'damage' upon one's opponent, often resulting in a digit or limb falling off."

The modern game -- featuring elements of mythological fantasy such as elves, spells, dragons and big-bosomed angels -- is played by two or more losers "battling" for "supremacy" over the other in an effort to escape the horrific realities of their listless, loveless lives.

"The lepers who created the game were the lowest of the low, kept from wielding any sort of political, social, religious or physical control over others because of their disgusting appearances," Klinesman stated. "Much like modern Magic players."

Player Talks About His Favorite Magic Deck Rather than Addressing the Story at Hand
"When I was playing with my favorite 'Fallen Empires' deck, I would totally dominate because I had Thallids that kept making more Thallids -- including a few Feral Thallids, so you know where I'm going with this, heh heh," said Randy Hughes of San Jose, CA.

"Soon, I would have an infinite army that couldn't lose! Unless of course someone played a Wrath of God, but that's weak -- and everyone who plays Magic with honor knows it."

Hughes added, "THIS MEANS YOU, JERRY SAKELSON! Thou art a cur!"

Indian Outcasts Reveled in Power Fantasies
Klinesman and his team traced the game's development from the Middle East to India -- specifically, the Dravidians, more commonly known as "The Untouchables." Priests (Brahmans), warriors and even farmers reviled this lowest-of-the-low caste.

Naturally, The Untouchables embraced MTG.

"They didn't call it Magic: The Gathering back then," Klinesmen says. "They called it 'We Will Kill the Brahmans With Our Magic.' It appears to have been an attempt to cast a spell against their popular oppressors."

The Dravidians were the first to use cards, then made from pungent cowhide. Among the most sought out cards were "Curse of Kali Upon the Brahmans" and "May an Itch of the Genitals Be Visited Upon the Brahmans."

Another Player Wants to Talk About the First Player Who Called Him a Cur
"I can't believe the temerity of that rascal, calling me a cur," Jerry Sackelson said. "Just because I obliterated Randy's quote-unquote Infinite Army with a well-played Wrath of God."

Sackelson continued: "I mean, Randy was basically begging to get Wrathed, always showing up every night with that same-ass deck, talking about going pro with it. He acted like he was some kind of genius, as if no one had ever thought that deck up before."

"TCCH, loser," he added.

MTG Gives Way to Sense of Purpose
Once the Untouchables introduced the card concept, the game spread throughout Asia, Africa and Europe. Klinesman's team found evidence of MTG-style games played by midget jesters of Medieval Austria, plagued-stricken French peasants in the 14th century, and the Irish until the 1920s.

"A relation is evident between the groups who play Magic and a lack of authority, appeal, charisma, beauty, masculinity and command," Klinesman noted. "When at some point a group does actually amount to something, they abandon the game."

Klinesman points to the Belgians, who developed the most sophisticated version of MTG to date over a period of three centuries, from the 16th century through the 19th. During this time, Belgium was Spain's bitch and surrounded by dynamic, on-the-go nations such as England, the Netherlands, Prussia and France.

When Belgium gained its independence in 1831, MTG disappeared.

"It's like Belgians decided they had to do something -- get a job, get a girlfriend, rule an African empire, whatever -- rather than argue over whose interpretation of the rules was correct," Klinesman said.

Garfield Denies It All
Dr. Garfield, the so-called inventor of MTG, believe Klinesman's decade-long study is worthless.

"I AM THE ONLY MAD MOTHAFUCKA TO THINKS UP MONSTAH MAGIC HIJINKS! Y'ALL IS PUNK-ASS BIZZITCHES!" Garfield declared in a phone interview before hanging up. He would not return calls for further interviews.

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