Friday, October 1, 12:32 PM PST

Media: Terrorists Strike Mount St. Helens

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

PORTLAND -- What geologists initially believed to be a naturally occurring volcanic eruption of Mount St. Helens in Washington was actually a terrorist attack upon our nation's soil, according to the media.

"Explosion at Mount St. Helens!" Fox News affirmed, while CNN declared "Bomb-Like Tremors Wrack Mount St. Helens!" Such headlines apparently prompted several other reporters to speculate upon the possibility of an unfolding terrorist attack upon the infamous volcano.

Dozens of other media outlets, hoping to take part in the scoop of the year, followed suit. Leslie Pederstrom, a correspondent for MSNBC, reported the suspicious activity of a photographer at a scenic viewpoint of the cratered mountain. "He appears not to be Arabic, but Asiatic -- perhaps a North Korean," Pederstrom stammered.

"What interest a North Korean may have here is unknown -- but what we do know is that terrorists often scout out the areas they are planning to terrorize," she continued.

Minutes after Pederstrom's report, National Park employees escorted several people, including the Asian photographer, from the viewpoint. "From the evidence at hand, we believe the government is taking the suspect in for questioning," Pederstrom said.

However, many news outlets worried that a terrorist attack had already occurred.

"What if that's not volcanic action, Jim?" wondered Marley Helfer, a Portland news anchor at the local NBC affiliate, to her co-anchor Jimworth Edmonds during the first initial minutes of the attack.

"What if Al Qaeda has smuggled in a suitcase-sized nuclear device? What if we're about to thoroughly baked by a rolling, roiling wave of deadly radiation, Jim?" Several other media types voiced similar concerns as well.

"Can't say, Marley," Jim Taylor replied. "Praying couldn't hurt, though."

"You can say that again," Marley responded. "Praying couldn't hurt."

But when, after half an hour, it became clear that no mushroom cloud would be making an appearance any time soon, the media began focusing on what geologists may have inadvertently called "steam" emanating from Mount St. Helens.

"What if it's not steam, Jim?" Helfer wondered.

"What if it's the largest cloud of sarin gas ever released by terrorists? What if we're all about to choke to death on our own lungs, Jim?"

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