Tuesday, Jan. 27, 3:53 AM PST

U.S. Takes Old Naked Actors to Court

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

HOLLYWOOD -- Citing "a significant rise" in the number of elderly actors baring it all in mainstream movies with "reckess abandon," the Justice Department today filed suit in federal court against major Hollywood movies studios in an effort to stem the tide.

"What began as a daring -- and inappropriate -- flirtation by elderly actors who wished to disrobe on the silver screen now threatens to become a part of mainstream Hollywood culture, to the shock and dismay of 99.97 percent of the county," said Chance McGuire, the federal prosecutor in the case.

With Calendar Girls (2003) currently and literally killing its audience with grotesque glimpses of elderly naked actresses, McGuire is requesting that the federal court review the case as soon as possible.

The old-people-on-the-silver-screen trend began in About Schmidt (2003), rated R, as shocked audiences were assaulted with Kathy Bates' pendulous breasts and Jack Nicholson's 66-year-old broke ass.

A few months later, Nicholson once again displayed his bony shanks in Something's Gotta Give (2003), which slapped good taste around like a bitch as yet another old actress, Diane Keaton, flopped her stuff around.

Worse still, the film's PG-13 rating mislead the viewing public, sending a collective shiver of horrific magnitudes throughout the much-younger generations, which have resulted in back injuries that have sent thousands to hospitals and chiropractors.

"I still can't breathe without a machine," said Marlon Wergnad of Dallas from his hospital bed, a victim of Nicholson's buttocks in Something's Gotta Give.

"It's cases like Marlon's that's prompted us to file suit against Hollywood," McGuire said.

"There's certain things the American public can't stand to see in a movie, like bestiality, old fleshy genitalia, Jerry Lewis -- what's good for France isn't necessarily good for us."

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