27, 3:53 AM PST
U.S. Takes Old Naked Actors to Court
HOLLYWOOD -- Citing "a significant rise"
in the number of elderly actors baring it all in mainstream movies
with "reckess abandon," the Justice Department today
filed suit in federal court against major Hollywood movies studios
in an effort to stem the tide.
began as a daring -- and inappropriate -- flirtation by elderly
actors who wished to disrobe on the silver screen now threatens
to become a part of mainstream Hollywood culture, to the shock
and dismay of 99.97 percent of the county," said Chance
McGuire, the federal prosecutor in the case.
With Calendar Girls (2003) currently
and literally killing its audience with grotesque glimpses of
elderly naked actresses, McGuire is requesting that the federal
court review the case as soon as possible.
trend began in About Schmidt (2003), rated R, as shocked audiences
were assaulted with Kathy Bates' pendulous breasts and Jack Nicholson's
66-year-old broke ass.
A few months later, Nicholson
once again displayed his bony shanks in Something's Gotta Give
(2003), which slapped good taste around like a bitch as yet another
old actress, Diane Keaton, flopped her stuff around.
Worse still, the film's PG-13
rating mislead the viewing public, sending a collective shiver
of horrific magnitudes throughout the much-younger generations,
which have resulted in back injuries that have sent thousands
to hospitals and chiropractors.
"I still can't breathe without
a machine," said Marlon Wergnad of Dallas from his hospital
bed, a victim of Nicholson's buttocks in Something's Gotta Give.
"It's cases like Marlon's
that's prompted us to file suit against Hollywood," McGuire
"There's certain things
the American public can't stand to see in a movie, like bestiality,
old fleshy genitalia, Jerry Lewis -- what's good for France isn't
necessarily good for us."
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