Monday, June 21,
1:49 PM PST
Goodbye NASA, Hello Halliburton!
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The President's Commission on Moon,
Mars and Beyond is recommending that the U.S. contract out a
broader range of NASA's activities in order to reduce departmental
expenses, as well as allow for the retooling of NASA as a pure
"It is the finding of this
commission that, by taking hundreds of millions out of a wasteful
government program and putting billions into private enterprises
-- such as Halliburton -- the U.S. will save money and stimulate
the economy," the report read.
officials seemed somewhat unhappy by the report.
"We're uh, very excited
about being marginalized and relegated to a new role as the research
arm of Bush's largest corporate donors," said NASA's Media
Services Director, Robert Jacobs.
"The uh, opportunity...
drastically reduces our role in our uh, main stated mission of
'pioneering the future.' But whatever."
White House Press Secretary Scott
McClellan, when informed of Jacobs comments, sniffed and said
that Jacobs "didn't really say that -- you should read Robert's
notes for that release."
When informed that transcripts
indicated that Jacobs really did say that, Mr. Fleischer blinked
and said, "You know, if you go and read his notes, I think
you'll find that he did not say that."
A U.S. marine then escorted this
reporter from the room.
In other news, Dave Lesar, CEO
of Halliburton, spoke at a shareholder meeting and addressed
the commission's findings.
"I can tell you this --
but you didn't hear it from me," Lesar whispered through
a megaphone to the 8,000 gathered shareholders and 15 major media
"When we're launching the
space shuttle, you won't have to worry about there being any
danger to American lives, no sir. We're going to man the shuttle
with gooks, 100 percent."
Lesar elaborated on the plan
to send Asians into space: "They're lighter than us, because
they don't eat anything. And they have tiny peckers, so there
won't be any worry about hanky panky and floating globs of semen
gumming up the air vents."
Lesar added: "We'd send
Mexicans, but they'd probably swipe the hub caps off the shuttle
and head to East L.A."
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