SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY

Monday, June 21, 1:49 PM PST

Goodbye NASA, Hello Halliburton!

by King Mongo,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The President's Commission on Moon, Mars and Beyond is recommending that the U.S. contract out a broader range of NASA's activities in order to reduce departmental expenses, as well as allow for the retooling of NASA as a pure research entity.

"It is the finding of this commission that, by taking hundreds of millions out of a wasteful government program and putting billions into private enterprises -- such as Halliburton -- the U.S. will save money and stimulate the economy," the report read.

NASA officials seemed somewhat unhappy by the report.

"We're uh, very excited about being marginalized and relegated to a new role as the research arm of Bush's largest corporate donors," said NASA's Media Services Director, Robert Jacobs.

"The uh, opportunity... drastically reduces our role in our uh, main stated mission of 'pioneering the future.' But whatever."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, when informed of Jacobs comments, sniffed and said that Jacobs "didn't really say that -- you should read Robert's notes for that release."

When informed that transcripts indicated that Jacobs really did say that, Mr. Fleischer blinked and said, "You know, if you go and read his notes, I think you'll find that he did not say that."

A U.S. marine then escorted this reporter from the room.

In other news, Dave Lesar, CEO of Halliburton, spoke at a shareholder meeting and addressed the commission's findings.

"I can tell you this -- but you didn't hear it from me," Lesar whispered through a megaphone to the 8,000 gathered shareholders and 15 major media outlets.

"When we're launching the space shuttle, you won't have to worry about there being any danger to American lives, no sir. We're going to man the shuttle with gooks, 100 percent."

Lesar elaborated on the plan to send Asians into space: "They're lighter than us, because they don't eat anything. And they have tiny peckers, so there won't be any worry about hanky panky and floating globs of semen gumming up the air vents."

Lesar added: "We'd send Mexicans, but they'd probably swipe the hub caps off the shuttle and head to East L.A."

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