14, 11:39 PM PST
Resourceful Americans Create New Ways
to Honor Dead Republicans
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Crisis nearly struck the United States
when, amidst all the processions, pomp and pageantry of Reagan's
death, organizers for Reagan's Farewell Tour 2004 realized they
had used up the seemingly endless number of ways to publicly
display their love and respect for the former president's corpse.
Apparently, all the time-honored
means of mourning the passing of American myths -- such as flying
flags at half-mast, U.S. Air Force fly-bys, and lone bagpipers
playing Amazing Grace -- weren't enough for a nation hell bent
on wasting a prodigious amount of time and energy on Reagan's
guess it was during one of the 21-gun salutes -- the 32nd one,
in fact -- that it became clear we were regurgitating the same
old stuff," said Lance Mansur, 28, a rock-concert promoter
who served as tour manager for Reagan's body.
"I could hear people saying
all kinds of shit. Like, 'Old and busted' and 'Hello, summer
TV season.' That one really hurt. So I put the call out for some
(Mansur wouldn't comment on rumors
that the major networks and cable outlets had applied pressure
on him to make the weeklong televised event "more spectacular.")
Among the first respondents to
that call was a U.S. Marine drill team, which came up with an
innovative 21-marine pyramid.
the marines chanted throughout the three-minute demonstration
of people clambering over each other to form a pile of sweaty,
nearly naked bodies. It ended with a rousing call of "What
does that spell? REAGAN! Ooo-RAH!"
"It was, like, tough and
all," remarked a clearly winded Lt. Allen Bowler, the unit's
commanding officer, after the performance. "I mean, we knew
that we could do it. But doing it tastefully was going
to be a challenge. Safe to say, I think we crammed the concept
of taste down your throats! OooRAH!"
As Reagan lay in state in the
Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C., Mansur was able to organize
several monster-truck rallies at FedEx Field, home of the Washington
"I was so freakin' excited
when Smitty asked me to participate," said Scooter McDeevers,
who repainted and rechristened his truck from "SkullKrusher"
to "The Gipper." His truck was one of several that
dominated the junkyard wrecks dubbed with such names as "Food
Stamps" and "Voodoo Economics."
"Dude, it totally rocked
me," bellowed Dale Mason of Fort Ashby, W. Va., who attended
several of the rallies.
"All these beautiful machines,
like 'Reagan Rules' and 'The Jelly Bellyacher,' were totally
wasting wrecks called 'Evil Empire' and 'Education.' My favorite
was when 'We Begin Bombing in Five Minutes' destroyed 'Iran-Contra
Mason added: "OooRAH!"
Joe Rogan, however, raised the
bar for "new form" tributes with a very special episode
of "Fear Factor."
"You ready for your final
challenge? Yeah, you are!" Rogan said enthusiastically during
the last minutes the show. He then opened Reagan's casket and
instructed all challengers to climb in. "The last one to
emerge wins $50,000!"
Sue Ellen Baker of Wichita, Kan.
eventually won the prize after three hours.
"I'm just so happy to honor
President Reagan like that," she said, tears running down
her face. "There were a few times when I wanted to scream,
'OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING
I AM!' Sometimes, I just wanted to give up like a pansy Democrat."
"But then I thunk to myself,
'Did Ronnie give in to his self-loathing as he sold arms to Iran
to fund Contras who routinely raped and murdered Americans?'"
Baker continued. "Obviously not, and I drew strength from
Americans were visibly moved
by the outpouring of creative mourning that ordinary people came
up with to honor the formerly alive 93-year-old man, as reflected
by Fear Factor's record-high Nielsen ratings.
"Man, these new ways to
mark the passing of important people totally rules," said
Elizabeth Ashland-Jones, a stay-at-home mother from Anaheim,
Calif. "I can't wait for the next great American Republican
to pass on -- who knows what this great nation of ours will do
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2004, No Apologies!
The New News:
Satire for the Unwashed Masses