Friday, June 25,
11:22 PM PST
Liberal Media's Deception Leads to Tougher
Times for Iraqi Prisoners
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Months after the infamous photos of
American soldiers torturing captive Iraqis made their way into
the public eye, Justice Department lawyers are reviewing and
rewriting advice regarding how far U.S. interrogators can go
to pry information out of detainees.
In previous memos, these same
lawyers had advised that George W. Bush could ignore international
treaties regarding the treatment of detainees, basically opening
the door to torture.
administration now recognizes that those Iraqis shouldn't have
been stripped naked, strapped into uncomfortable positions, beset
by vicious dogs, sexually humiliated, et cetera, et cetera,"
announced Press Secretary Scott McClellan, sighing. "That's
why we're rewriting the rules."
McClellan refused to answer questions
regarding those changes, but The New News has obtained an inter-department
memo, entitled "Draft of Revised Iraqi Prisoner Rules (Legalese
Inserted Later)," that provides a rough outline. We present
the text as it appears on the document:
"In light of recent photographs
published by the liberalist American media, our best efforts
to befriend Iraqi prisoners have been twisted and perverted too
make it appear that we are abusing and humiliating detainees.
While its obvious to any informed person that the photos depict
'bridge-building' exercises, we must appease the uninformed American
who can't grasp foreign traditions and customs. Therefore, it
is imperative you change current policies for the respectful
treatment of Iraqis as follows:
No smoking in front of prisoners
Several photos show that
ugly-ass Lindy England smoking in front of detainees, which has
resulted in thousands of whiny complaints from anti-smoking activists,
UN delegates, the International Red Cross, doctors and other
liberalist do-gooders who claim we're inflicting second-hand
smoke upon "victims." Nevermind that Iraqis love second-hand
smoke -- we must calm the American public.
Guards can no longer use prisoners'
faces for drying underwear
While we understand
the utility of drying panties and shorts upon the faces of detainees,
those stupid photos make the method appear torturous and punitive,
even though anyone with half a brain can see that the Iraqis
really enjoy helping out their American overlords. Although
if it is the most efficient way to dry away accumulated body
moisture, the public just doesn't understand. Try hanging underwear
underneath fans or in the sun.
No more half-assed nude human
As occupiers, it's important
to build a rapport with our Iraqi detainees, which, for all intents
and purposes, includes the entire country. But when stacking
naked Iraqis prisoners into human pyramids, make sure you've
prepared them properly. Training, discipline and coordination
are keys to the successful execution of this essential teambuilding
exercise of East Coast frat houses. The pyramids depicted in
those photos were sloppy and amateurish -- no wonder Americans
Iraqis should no longer inspect
each other's genitals
Obviously, we don't want
to trample on traditional Iraqi ways, but the one in which Iraqis
get naked and thrust their faces into each other's nether regions
in search of lice? We can't allow that anymore -- too many liberalist
media types here in the U.S. have claimed we're forcing Iraqis
to perform simulated sex acts on each other, and Americans have
totally fallen for it. Yes, the Iraqis will call us "crusaders"
and "imperialists" for taking away their rituals and
they'll be complaining day and night. Just keep in mind that
it is a pretty disgusting practice, much like the Iraqi
tradition of cowering naked before barking attack dogs. Speaking
Attack dogs should be replaced
with killer monkeys
If, for some reason,
we must scare the bejeezus out of Iraqis with non-humans, use
rabid monkeys. Barking dogs equal 'scary.' Monkeys equal 'cool.'
No need to tell Americans they're trained to kill and armed with