Friday, June 25, 11:22 PM PST

Liberal Media's Deception Leads to Tougher Times for Iraqi Prisoners

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Months after the infamous photos of American soldiers torturing captive Iraqis made their way into the public eye, Justice Department lawyers are reviewing and rewriting advice regarding how far U.S. interrogators can go to pry information out of detainees.

In previous memos, these same lawyers had advised that George W. Bush could ignore international treaties regarding the treatment of detainees, basically opening the door to torture.

"This administration now recognizes that those Iraqis shouldn't have been stripped naked, strapped into uncomfortable positions, beset by vicious dogs, sexually humiliated, et cetera, et cetera," announced Press Secretary Scott McClellan, sighing. "That's why we're rewriting the rules."

McClellan refused to answer questions regarding those changes, but The New News has obtained an inter-department memo, entitled "Draft of Revised Iraqi Prisoner Rules (Legalese Inserted Later)," that provides a rough outline. We present the text as it appears on the document:

"In light of recent photographs published by the liberalist American media, our best efforts to befriend Iraqi prisoners have been twisted and perverted too make it appear that we are abusing and humiliating detainees. While its obvious to any informed person that the photos depict 'bridge-building' exercises, we must appease the uninformed American who can't grasp foreign traditions and customs. Therefore, it is imperative you change current policies for the respectful treatment of Iraqis as follows:

No smoking in front of prisoners
Several photos show that ugly-ass Lindy England smoking in front of detainees, which has resulted in thousands of whiny complaints from anti-smoking activists, UN delegates, the International Red Cross, doctors and other liberalist do-gooders who claim we're inflicting second-hand smoke upon "victims." Nevermind that Iraqis love second-hand smoke -- we must calm the American public.

Guards can no longer use prisoners' faces for drying underwear
While we understand the utility of drying panties and shorts upon the faces of detainees, those stupid photos make the method appear torturous and punitive, even though anyone with half a brain can see that the Iraqis really enjoy helping out their American overlords. Although if it is the most efficient way to dry away accumulated body moisture, the public just doesn't understand. Try hanging underwear underneath fans or in the sun.

No more half-assed nude human pyramids
As occupiers, it's important to build a rapport with our Iraqi detainees, which, for all intents and purposes, includes the entire country. But when stacking naked Iraqis prisoners into human pyramids, make sure you've prepared them properly. Training, discipline and coordination are keys to the successful execution of this essential teambuilding exercise of East Coast frat houses. The pyramids depicted in those photos were sloppy and amateurish -- no wonder Americans were outraged!

Iraqis should no longer inspect each other's genitals
Obviously, we don't want to trample on traditional Iraqi ways, but the one in which Iraqis get naked and thrust their faces into each other's nether regions in search of lice? We can't allow that anymore -- too many liberalist media types here in the U.S. have claimed we're forcing Iraqis to perform simulated sex acts on each other, and Americans have totally fallen for it. Yes, the Iraqis will call us "crusaders" and "imperialists" for taking away their rituals and they'll be complaining day and night. Just keep in mind that it is a pretty disgusting practice, much like the Iraqi tradition of cowering naked before barking attack dogs. Speaking of which...

Attack dogs should be replaced with killer monkeys
If, for some reason, we must scare the bejeezus out of Iraqis with non-humans, use rabid monkeys. Barking dogs equal 'scary.' Monkeys equal 'cool.' No need to tell Americans they're trained to kill and armed with nunchuckas.

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