7, 7:38 AM PST
Bush Assigns White House Staff New Nicknames
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a move cynics are calling a "hopeless
political ploy," George W. Bush has assigned new nicknames
to several members of his White House staff, Press Secretary
Scott "Fuckface" McClellan announced today.
yes, it's true -- for now on, my boss will be calling me Fuckface,"
McClellan confirmed with a hesitant, sheepish grin. His admission
led to loud snickering among reporters taking furious notes.
McClellan denied that the new
nicknames were meant to address the growing feeling that the
Bush Administration has lost touch with a majority of Americans,
many of whom see Bush's war-mongering-but-service-evading, economy-recovering-but-unemployment-rising,
truth-embracing-but-commission-evading ways as false and disingenuous
-- a situation that could lead to a massive election defeat this
"Isn't it true that polls
show that Americans like it when Bush calls his staff demeaning
nicknames, Fuckface?" inquired Steve Brick of Ohio.com.
"If they do, we don't know
-- we don't looks at polls," McClellan declared. "It's
really just a reflection of George Bush's love of nicknames and...
feelings... for us."
But McClellan seemed to contradict
himself when he described how he got his new nickname, acknowledging
that focus groups had found it both "exciting" and
"powerful" when used by Bush. However, he also revealed
that focus groups found McClellan himself to be "loathsome"
and "spineless" for allowing himself to be called Fuckface.
"It's not about me, you
see," Fuckface sniveled anxiously. "It's about me serving
the country, you know?"
"Shut your piehole, Fuckface,"
said Bernard Sayol of the Hartford Courant.
Fuckface revealed other officials'
new nicknames as well. "Colin Powel will now be called Hungers
For Viagra, while Karl Rove will be known as Fat Boy Pedo Lover.
Donald Rumsfeld is no longer Rummy, but Old Yeller Teeth, and
Condi Rice is Ugly."
"You can say that again!"
interrupted Sofia Lessing of the Pittsburgh Gazette.
"No, I mean, that's her
nickname," Fuckface continued. "Oh, and Dick Cheney
will now be lovingly referred to as The Puppet Master from Arcturus
Rumors that Bush has nicknamed
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry "Dead Man Walking"
have not been confirmed.
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