NATION

Wednesday, April 7, 7:38 AM PST

Bush Assigns White House Staff New Nicknames

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a move cynics are calling a "hopeless political ploy," George W. Bush has assigned new nicknames to several members of his White House staff, Press Secretary Scott "Fuckface" McClellan announced today.

"Yes, yes, it's true -- for now on, my boss will be calling me Fuckface," McClellan confirmed with a hesitant, sheepish grin. His admission led to loud snickering among reporters taking furious notes.

McClellan denied that the new nicknames were meant to address the growing feeling that the Bush Administration has lost touch with a majority of Americans, many of whom see Bush's war-mongering-but-service-evading, economy-recovering-but-unemployment-rising, truth-embracing-but-commission-evading ways as false and disingenuous -- a situation that could lead to a massive election defeat this November.

"Isn't it true that polls show that Americans like it when Bush calls his staff demeaning nicknames, Fuckface?" inquired Steve Brick of Ohio.com.

"If they do, we don't know -- we don't looks at polls," McClellan declared. "It's really just a reflection of George Bush's love of nicknames and... feelings... for us."

But McClellan seemed to contradict himself when he described how he got his new nickname, acknowledging that focus groups had found it both "exciting" and "powerful" when used by Bush. However, he also revealed that focus groups found McClellan himself to be "loathsome" and "spineless" for allowing himself to be called Fuckface.

"It's not about me, you see," Fuckface sniveled anxiously. "It's about me serving the country, you know?"

"Shut your piehole, Fuckface," said Bernard Sayol of the Hartford Courant.

Fuckface revealed other officials' new nicknames as well. "Colin Powel will now be called Hungers For Viagra, while Karl Rove will be known as Fat Boy Pedo Lover. Donald Rumsfeld is no longer Rummy, but Old Yeller Teeth, and Condi Rice is Ugly."

"You can say that again!" interrupted Sofia Lessing of the Pittsburgh Gazette.

"No, I mean, that's her nickname," Fuckface continued. "Oh, and Dick Cheney will now be lovingly referred to as The Puppet Master from Arcturus Prime."

Rumors that Bush has nicknamed Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry "Dead Man Walking" have not been confirmed.

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