Thursday, Nov. 20, 4:33 AM PST

Bush Fights Off Ninja Assassin Squad, Perhaps Entire Clan

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

LONDON -- Breaking news from the United Kingdom reports that George W. Bush has single-handedly fought off an assassination attempt by at least a dozen black-clad, sword-wielding, shuriken-chucking ninjas crying out "Hai YAAA!"

The attack came in the midst of Bush's visit to the United Kingdom, taking place sometime after a state dinner with Queen Elizabeth II.

"I was flabbergasted," said Thomas Smithton, who is part of the armed escort assigned to protect Bush during his visit.

"He just sniffed the air, said something about danger being afoot -- then suddenly, we were surrounded by hai-yaaaing ninjas!"

Bush sustained no injuries during the assault, but provided many lumps to the skulls of the skulking knaves. After the attack, Bush was met with a loud round off applause by thousands of Britons.

"Oh, Bush was just wonderful indeed, wonderful indeed!" claimed Essie Kelter of Knightsbridge, London, a one-time Bush hater.

"He caught one ninja's blade between his palms, then bent over backward to stab another ninja in the face... well, one could see that the man had been trained well by your Texas Air National Guard."

Unfortunately, the ninjas escaped by employing ninja magic and a really smokey smoke bomb before an accurate count of the assassins could be made. If numbering 12 or more, Bush would have been the first U.S. president to defeat an entire ninja clan.

In fending off the attack, Bush probably saved the lives of Queen Elizabeth, Prime Minister Tony Blair said.

"Well, I must say, I haven't seen a president take matters into his own hands like that since Harrison Ford in Air Force One," a clearly shaken Blair declared at a hastily arranged press conference. "Bush is without a doubt a true American hero."

"Yes, but is he indeed the legally elected president of the United States?" asked one reporter.

"No comment," Blair answered.

Comment in the forum
(no registration required)

Polls Show Americans Still Support Bush, Still Stupid

Drifting Balloon Sends Jets, White House Scrambling

Dubya Doll AWOL From Bobby's Toy Box

Pentagon Releases More "Could-Be Hussein" Photos

Bush Won't Run on Drug-Use, Desertion, Failed-Business, DUI Platform in Next Election

Shock & Awe: U.S. Unleashes M.C. Hammer Over Baghdad

Ninja Student Silently Struggling (The Toque)

The New News | No Apologies! Press

Copyright © 2003, No Apologies! Press