20, 4:33 AM PST
Bush Fights Off Ninja Assassin Squad,
Perhaps Entire Clan
Breaking news from the United Kingdom reports that George W.
Bush has single-handedly fought off an assassination attempt
by at least a dozen black-clad, sword-wielding, shuriken-chucking
ninjas crying out "Hai YAAA!"
The attack came in the midst of Bush's
visit to the United Kingdom, taking place sometime after a state
dinner with Queen Elizabeth II.
"I was flabbergasted," said Thomas
Smithton, who is part of the armed escort assigned to protect
Bush during his visit.
"He just sniffed the air, said something
about danger being afoot -- then suddenly, we were surrounded
by hai-yaaaing ninjas!"
Bush sustained no injuries during the assault,
but provided many lumps to the skulls of the skulking knaves.
After the attack, Bush was met with a loud round off applause
by thousands of Britons.
"Oh, Bush was just wonderful indeed,
wonderful indeed!" claimed Essie Kelter of Knightsbridge,
London, a one-time Bush hater.
"He caught one ninja's blade between
his palms, then bent over backward to stab another ninja in the
face... well, one could see that the man had been trained well
by your Texas Air National Guard."
Unfortunately, the ninjas escaped by employing
ninja magic and a really smokey smoke bomb before an accurate
count of the assassins could be made. If numbering 12 or more,
Bush would have been the first U.S. president to defeat an entire
In fending off the attack, Bush probably
saved the lives of Queen Elizabeth, Prime Minister Tony Blair
"Well, I must say, I haven't seen
a president take matters into his own hands like that since Harrison
Ford in Air Force One," a clearly shaken Blair declared
at a hastily arranged press conference. "Bush is without
a doubt a true American hero."
"Yes, but is he indeed the legally
elected president of the United States?" asked one reporter.
"No comment," Blair answered.
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