20, 5:44 AM PST
NOAA Secretly Hating NASA Right Now
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While NASA officials continue to congratulate
themselves for successfully landing a functioning rover on the
surface of Mars, the director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric
Administration (NOAA) is secretly hating them.
to NOAA's headman, this hate has been a long time coming, stemming
from the fact that no one seems to know what NOAA is.
"NASA has it all,"
said Director Jordan St. John. "The publicity, the budget,
the people. I don't know why -- it's not like they're forecasting
killer storms or protecting fisheries, stuff that really affects
people. But when we say Hurricane Tomas is going to tear up Florida,
does the media care? Do they film us clapping obnoxiously with
tears in our eyes? I don't think so.
"Screw NASA," St. John
added, reflecting a sentiment that would not die.
"Look at them, what's not
to hate?" St. John asked the next day. "The space geeks
are, like, crying with joy. Crying, for crying out loud! Makes
for great TV, I guess, but employees of the federal government
do not cry unless someone's shot, know what I'm saying?"
"Pathetic..." St. John
Two days later, St. John was
overheard saying, "Wooo! Look at me! I'm a NASA space-fucking-cadet!
I'm so happy! So happy! So very very very very shit-my-pants
Three days later, witnesses described
an agitated St. John at a nearby Starbucks, screaming "You
just gave that lowly NASA desk jockey a free drink, but you're
charging me, the director of the National Oceanic and Atmospherice
Administration -- the only thing that stands between you and
an unexpected flash flood -- for a Venti Iced Soy Mocha?"
"Uh, yeah?" the barista
Four days later, the director
sent an email to his boss, the Secretary of Commerce Don Evans,
which read in part, "Rest assurred, Mr. Secretary, we here
at NOAA have nothing but the utmost respect for the achievements
of NASA, and will continue to support our 'brothers' to the fullest
But that same afternoon, in an
email to his mother, St. John likened NASA to a "spoiled
baby" and complained that the space agency had a new website:
"They've got Flash -- FLASH -- on their page, while NOAA's 'new and improved' site only looks
new and improved if you're stuck in a timeloop and can't get
out of 1997. I hate with the heat of a million suns those bastards
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