SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY

Tuesday, Jan. 20, 5:44 AM PST

NOAA Secretly Hating NASA Right Now

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- While NASA officials continue to congratulate themselves for successfully landing a functioning rover on the surface of Mars, the director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) is secretly hating them.

According to NOAA's headman, this hate has been a long time coming, stemming from the fact that no one seems to know what NOAA is.

"NASA has it all," said Director Jordan St. John. "The publicity, the budget, the people. I don't know why -- it's not like they're forecasting killer storms or protecting fisheries, stuff that really affects people. But when we say Hurricane Tomas is going to tear up Florida, does the media care? Do they film us clapping obnoxiously with tears in our eyes? I don't think so.

"Screw NASA," St. John added, reflecting a sentiment that would not die.

"Look at them, what's not to hate?" St. John asked the next day. "The space geeks are, like, crying with joy. Crying, for crying out loud! Makes for great TV, I guess, but employees of the federal government do not cry unless someone's shot, know what I'm saying?"

"Pathetic..." St. John added.

Two days later, St. John was overheard saying, "Wooo! Look at me! I'm a NASA space-fucking-cadet! I'm so happy! So happy! So very very very very shit-my-pants happy!"

Three days later, witnesses described an agitated St. John at a nearby Starbucks, screaming "You just gave that lowly NASA desk jockey a free drink, but you're charging me, the director of the National Oceanic and Atmospherice Administration -- the only thing that stands between you and an unexpected flash flood -- for a Venti Iced Soy Mocha?"

"Uh, yeah?" the barista replied.

"AAAAGGGGGHHHH!" St. John responded.

Four days later, the director sent an email to his boss, the Secretary of Commerce Don Evans, which read in part, "Rest assurred, Mr. Secretary, we here at NOAA have nothing but the utmost respect for the achievements of NASA, and will continue to support our 'brothers' to the fullest extent."

But that same afternoon, in an email to his mother, St. John likened NASA to a "spoiled baby" and complained that the space agency had a new website: "They've got Flash -- FLASH -- on their page, while NOAA's 'new and improved' site only looks new and improved if you're stuck in a timeloop and can't get out of 1997. I hate with the heat of a million suns those bastards at NASA."

Follow the NASA/NOAA crisis currently rocking the government's scientific community in U.S. Press' exclusive story, Bush Backs Out of Moon Bubble Clean Air Summit.

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