17, 9:44 PM PST
New York Dumping Trash on Sun
NEW YORK CITY -- Again
breaking new ground in the field of garbage disposal, the New
York City Department of Sanitation (DSNY) is once more exporting
its trash, this time into the heart of the sun.
The first lift-off commenced yesterday at 2:00pm Eastern
from LaGuardia Airport, and will make contact with our primary
source of energy in three months. Two launches a day are expected
in the first year, ramping up to three a day as operations become
Working closely with ex-Soviet rocket scientists
and the New York City Space Agency, DSNY Commissioner John Doherty
personally oversaw converting Russian rockets into interstellar
"When our landfills filled up a few
years back, we bought space in Pennsylvannia and Ohio -- but
now those states are jam packed with our shit," Doherty
"We considered dumping in California,
but they wanted too much money," he added. "It was
cheaper to burn our crap in the sun."
Creating Jobs, Cleaning
The program, costing $300 million per year, is being hailed by
advocates as a major advance in trash-disposal technology as
well as a big boost for a down economy.
"Not only do you get jobs out there
for ground crews, engineers and voice people who do countdowns,
but you effectively stop polluting the planet," announced
Mayor Michael Bloomberg.
"It's really the perfect solution
to a dirty problem."
However, the new disposal problem has it
critics, who point out that trash off planet is still trash in
the solar system.
"Don't turn our yellow star brown!"
chanted members of Save Our Sun (SOS) yesterday at the airport.
The environmental group was founded when plans for the interstellar
trash service were first announced.
"We all need the sun," said Micah
Goldstein, chairman of SOS. "Let's not pollute the sole
source of energy we can't do without."
SOS's Science Officer Tony Muzzato pointed
out that the more matter a star consumes, the faster it burns
"If we add New York's shit to the
mix, we could be in the dark in less than, say, three generations,"
The commissioner dismissed such comments
as negative claptrap.
"Once we fill up the sun, we'll convert
it into a park or something," Doherty said. "DSNY has
a great track record in that regard."
Other NYC residents, however, have pointed
out that rockets flying over New York may break up, spreading
garbage all over the metropolis and creating an environmental
disaster -- not to mention a threat to life and property.
"God have mercy on Bloomberg if onna
them rockets spews untreated sewage all over me and mine,"
said Danny O'Denny, eating a slice of pizza. "Cuz I won't."
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