NATION

Wednesday, September 17, 9:44 PM PST

New York Dumping Trash on Sun

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

NEW YORK CITY -- Again breaking new ground in the field of garbage disposal, the New York City Department of Sanitation (DSNY) is once more exporting its trash, this time into the heart of the sun.

The first lift-off commenced yesterday at 2:00pm Eastern from LaGuardia Airport, and will make contact with our primary source of energy in three months. Two launches a day are expected in the first year, ramping up to three a day as operations become routine.

Working closely with ex-Soviet rocket scientists and the New York City Space Agency, DSNY Commissioner John Doherty personally oversaw converting Russian rockets into interstellar trash haulers.

"When our landfills filled up a few years back, we bought space in Pennsylvannia and Ohio -- but now those states are jam packed with our shit," Doherty said.

"We considered dumping in California, but they wanted too much money," he added. "It was cheaper to burn our crap in the sun."


Creating Jobs, Cleaning House
The program, costing $300 million per year, is being hailed by advocates as a major advance in trash-disposal technology as well as a big boost for a down economy.

"Not only do you get jobs out there for ground crews, engineers and voice people who do countdowns, but you effectively stop polluting the planet," announced Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

"It's really the perfect solution to a dirty problem."

However, the new disposal problem has it critics, who point out that trash off planet is still trash in the solar system.

"Don't turn our yellow star brown!" chanted members of Save Our Sun (SOS) yesterday at the airport. The environmental group was founded when plans for the interstellar trash service were first announced.

"We all need the sun," said Micah Goldstein, chairman of SOS. "Let's not pollute the sole source of energy we can't do without."

SOS's Science Officer Tony Muzzato pointed out that the more matter a star consumes, the faster it burns out.

"If we add New York's shit to the mix, we could be in the dark in less than, say, three generations," Muzzato claimed.

The commissioner dismissed such comments as negative claptrap.

"Once we fill up the sun, we'll convert it into a park or something," Doherty said. "DSNY has a great track record in that regard."

Other NYC residents, however, have pointed out that rockets flying over New York may break up, spreading garbage all over the metropolis and creating an environmental disaster -- not to mention a threat to life and property.

"God have mercy on Bloomberg if onna them rockets spews untreated sewage all over me and mine," said Danny O'Denny, eating a slice of pizza. "Cuz I won't."

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