Thursday, April
13, 11:11 AM PST
U.S. to Invade OPEC Once It Finds Out
Where It Is
by Brent
the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Finally recognizing that the continuing
jump in gas prices will become a crippling campaign issue, the
Bush White House announced that it would rid the world of economic
terrorism with an American invasion of OPEC, just as soon as
staffers find out where its secret base is located.
OPEC -- whose acronym means nothing to most Americans,
but sounds fishily foreign -- decided to cut down oil production
by one million barrels per day to "blunt the effect of a
seasonal downturn in demand in the second quarter."
George W. Bush isn't buying that
explanation, however.
"OPEC has long sponsorated
terrorism of the financial sort, holding the entire planet --
specially Murica -- hostage with threats to its rightful supply
of oil," Bush announced at a press conference last night.
"Murica will meet this threat
and secure for the nation and our friends -- y'all know who you
is -- a tomorrow in which anyone can affordicate driving to corporation-providerated
employment at a $1.75 a gallon," he added.
Bush acknowledged, however, that
locating OPEC would be half the challenge.
"OPEC's not on a... uh...
a piece a paper, them things with cities and oceans on it,"
he said, tossing a badly misfolded map into the air. "It's
not a nation-state. It's one them there cabals, hidden from view,
wreaking havoc on the ordinate Joe's gas prices from a jillion
miles away."
"But rest assured, we will
hunt down this threat to international order and secure our supply
lines of oil, gasoline and Vaseline, just like we done did to
Osama," he added. "I mean, like we done doing,
anyway."
After his announcement, Bush
took questions from the press pool.
"Does the inability to Bush
Administration -- and most Americans, for that matter -- to find
OPEC's headquarters serve as a commentary on the state of the
American educational system?" asked Dublin O'Malley of the
Associate Press.
"Next question," Bush
answered.
"Does OPEC's capacity to
threaten our main source of energy illustrate America's utter
dependence on foreign sources?" Marley Wagon of the New
York Times asked.
"I'm done," Bush replied,
leaving the podium.
On the other side of the Atlantic,
French president Jacques Chirac wasn't surprised that the United
States couldn't find the international oil-producing organization
on a map.
"Honh honh honh!"
Chirac stated. "You AmeriCAHNZ, you are so stuPED! Sixty
paircent of your students cannot even find ze United States on
ze map -- it iz of no surprise to me that you cannot find ze
OPEC!"
When asked if he could help the
United States locate the energy cartel, Chirac answered, "Eef
you do not already know, you nevair will! Honh honh honh!"
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