Thursday, April 13, 11:11 AM PST

U.S. to Invade OPEC Once It Finds Out Where It Is

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Finally recognizing that the continuing jump in gas prices will become a crippling campaign issue, the Bush White House announced that it would rid the world of economic terrorism with an American invasion of OPEC, just as soon as staffers find out where its secret base is located.

OPEC -- whose acronym means nothing to most Americans, but sounds fishily foreign -- decided to cut down oil production by one million barrels per day to "blunt the effect of a seasonal downturn in demand in the second quarter."

George W. Bush isn't buying that explanation, however.

"OPEC has long sponsorated terrorism of the financial sort, holding the entire planet -- specially Murica -- hostage with threats to its rightful supply of oil," Bush announced at a press conference last night.

"Murica will meet this threat and secure for the nation and our friends -- y'all know who you is -- a tomorrow in which anyone can affordicate driving to corporation-providerated employment at a $1.75 a gallon," he added.

Bush acknowledged, however, that locating OPEC would be half the challenge.

"OPEC's not on a... uh... a piece a paper, them things with cities and oceans on it," he said, tossing a badly misfolded map into the air. "It's not a nation-state. It's one them there cabals, hidden from view, wreaking havoc on the ordinate Joe's gas prices from a jillion miles away."

"But rest assured, we will hunt down this threat to international order and secure our supply lines of oil, gasoline and Vaseline, just like we done did to Osama," he added. "I mean, like we done doing, anyway."

After his announcement, Bush took questions from the press pool.

"Does the inability to Bush Administration -- and most Americans, for that matter -- to find OPEC's headquarters serve as a commentary on the state of the American educational system?" asked Dublin O'Malley of the Associate Press.

"Next question," Bush answered.

"Does OPEC's capacity to threaten our main source of energy illustrate America's utter dependence on foreign sources?" Marley Wagon of the New York Times asked.

"I'm done," Bush replied, leaving the podium.

On the other side of the Atlantic, French president Jacques Chirac wasn't surprised that the United States couldn't find the international oil-producing organization on a map.

"Honh honh honh!" Chirac stated. "You AmeriCAHNZ, you are so stuPED! Sixty paircent of your students cannot even find ze United States on ze map -- it iz of no surprise to me that you cannot find ze OPEC!"

When asked if he could help the United States locate the energy cartel, Chirac answered, "Eef you do not already know, you nevair will! Honh honh honh!"

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