Tuesday, Jan. 27, 6:12 PM PST

Oracle CEO Claims PeopleSoft Just a "Filthy, Filthy Flirt"

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

SAN JOSE, Calif. -- Oracle CEO Larry Ellison has taken his hostile attempt to acquire PeopleSoft to a new level, claiming that the company's No. 1 competitor is just pretending to be "classy" and "shy," but is nothing more than a "filthy, filthy flirt."

"PeopleSoft can play hard to get all she wants, yes," Ellison said to himself while lunching alone at San Jose's ritzy Scott's Seafood restaurant.

"But Larry Ellison sees through her guise, her mask, her lies... Larry Ellison smells hunger -- HUNGER! -- on PeopleSoft's breath... tastes her desire to be free of her fear and become the dirty, dirty whore she longs to be, to be overpowered by Larry Ellison and his all-powerful manstuff. Yes..."

PeopleSoft CEO Craig Conway, commenting for this story, said, "PeopleSoft continues to be a productive corporation providing cutting-edge and cost-effective solutions to our customer base, and is in no way a would-be cocktease pretending to be a demure wallflower who's just aching to be taken by a very strong, very powerful and -- oh! -- very rich man."

Ellison, however, seem to dismiss Conway's comments, spraying chewed shrimp all over the table as he continued the monologue.

"Larry Ellison senses the meaty animal lust, the desire of that grimy, flea-bitten bitch to be mounted by this powerful, powerul doggy," he said. "Larry Ellison sees it, acknowledges it, and responds accordingly. PeopleSoft wants it... Larry Ellison will give it... RUFF!"

Whether Oracle's latest move is a tactical maneuver designed to revive its flagging efforts to acquire its scrappy competitor, or just a moment of frustrated hubris on Ellison's part, is unknown.

Perhaps it is neither, perhaps it is both -- court records show that Ellison's new wife, formerly known as Melanie Craft, has legally changed her name to "PeopleSoft Ellison."

PeopleSoft Ellison -- who appears to have missed a few showers -- refused to comment for this story, but did state that what happens between a man and his wife is private, and if changing her name was the only way to get Larry Ellison's attention, that was good enough for her.

Larry Ellison didn't respond directly when asked about PeopleSoft Ellison's or Conway's comments, but continued to stare at nothing, ripping through several fish with his bare hands and speaking softly to himself.

"Larry Ellison will get PeopleSoft. Larry Ellison will get her good... yeeesss..." he hissed softly through a mouthful of swordfish.

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