27, 6:12 PM PST
Oracle CEO Claims PeopleSoft Just a "Filthy,
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- Oracle CEO Larry Ellison has taken his
hostile attempt to acquire PeopleSoft to a new level, claiming
that the company's No. 1 competitor is just pretending to be
"classy" and "shy," but is nothing more than
a "filthy, filthy flirt."
"PeopleSoft can play hard
to get all she wants, yes," Ellison said to himself while
lunching alone at San Jose's ritzy Scott's Seafood restaurant.
Larry Ellison sees through her guise, her mask, her lies... Larry
Ellison smells hunger -- HUNGER! -- on PeopleSoft's breath...
tastes her desire to be free of her fear and become the dirty,
dirty whore she longs to be, to be overpowered by Larry Ellison
and his all-powerful manstuff. Yes..."
PeopleSoft CEO Craig Conway,
commenting for this story, said, "PeopleSoft continues to
be a productive corporation providing cutting-edge and cost-effective
solutions to our customer base, and is in no way a would-be cocktease
pretending to be a demure wallflower who's just aching to be
taken by a very strong, very powerful and -- oh! -- very
Ellison, however, seem to dismiss
Conway's comments, spraying chewed shrimp all over the table
as he continued the monologue.
"Larry Ellison senses the
meaty animal lust, the desire of that grimy, flea-bitten bitch
to be mounted by this powerful, powerul doggy," he said.
"Larry Ellison sees it, acknowledges it, and responds accordingly.
PeopleSoft wants it... Larry Ellison will give it... RUFF!"
Whether Oracle's latest move
is a tactical maneuver designed to revive its flagging efforts
to acquire its scrappy competitor, or just a moment of frustrated
hubris on Ellison's part, is unknown.
Perhaps it is neither, perhaps
it is both -- court records show that Ellison's new wife, formerly
known as Melanie Craft, has legally changed her name to "PeopleSoft
PeopleSoft Ellison -- who appears
to have missed a few showers -- refused to comment for this story,
but did state that what happens between a man and his wife is
private, and if changing her name was the only way to get Larry
Ellison's attention, that was good enough for her.
Larry Ellison didn't respond
directly when asked about PeopleSoft Ellison's or Conway's comments,
but continued to stare at nothing, ripping through several fish
with his bare hands and speaking softly to himself.
"Larry Ellison will get
PeopleSoft. Larry Ellison will get her good... yeeesss..."
he hissed softly through a mouthful of swordfish.
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