Homeland Security Dept. Raises Alert to
Orange, Calls It "The New Black"
by El Tejano,
D.C. -- For the second time in nearly a week, the Department
of Homeland Security raised the level of security awareness to
"With the recent capture of Khalid
Shaikh Mohammed and upcoming spring season, we need to remind
Americans to be more alert," said Undersecretary of Homeland
Security and Fashion Correspondent Steven Cojocaru.
"I mean, look at this guy -- his back
hasn't seen wax or a razor in years."
Speaking before foreign policy specialists
and staff members of In Style magazine, Cojocaru added
that the last thing the average American needed was to be on
Robert Blackwell's "Top 10 Don'ts" list.
"Most men today haven't waxed, but
that shouldn't stop them from using clippers or perhaps even
the duct-tape they purchased two weeks ago," he stated.
applied correctly, duct-tape makes a great and economic depilatory."
While Cojocaru wouldn't speculate on any
immediate attack on the United States, he did go on to predict
this year's Oscar winner:
"Salma Hayek in 'Valentino'! She won't
get anything for 'Frida,' but her look on the runway with Ed
Norton on her arm will be hard to beat!"
Cojocaru is the author of the Homeland
Security Department's color-coded terrorist alert system and
"Red Carpet Diaries: Confessions of a Glamour
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