Wednesday, March 5, 7:29 PM EST

Homeland Security Dept. Raises Alert to Orange, Calls It "The New Black"

by El Tejano,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- For the second time in nearly a week, the Department of Homeland Security raised the level of security awareness to "orange."

"With the recent capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and upcoming spring season, we need to remind Americans to be more alert," said Undersecretary of Homeland Security and Fashion Correspondent Steven Cojocaru.

"I mean, look at this guy -- his back hasn't seen wax or a razor in years."

Speaking before foreign policy specialists and staff members of In Style magazine, Cojocaru added that the last thing the average American needed was to be on Robert Blackwell's "Top 10 Don'ts" list.

"Most men today haven't waxed, but that shouldn't stop them from using clippers or perhaps even the duct-tape they purchased two weeks ago," he stated.

"If applied correctly, duct-tape makes a great and economic depilatory."

While Cojocaru wouldn't speculate on any immediate attack on the United States, he did go on to predict this year's Oscar winner:

"Salma Hayek in 'Valentino'! She won't get anything for 'Frida,' but her look on the runway with Ed Norton on her arm will be hard to beat!"

Cojocaru is the author of the Homeland Security Department's color-coded terrorist alert system and "Red Carpet Diaries: Confessions of a Glamour Boy."

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