24, 10:45 PM PST
Canadian Pharmacists Also Don't Wash Hands,
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Food and Drug Administration today announced
that Canadian pharmacists do not practice good hygiene after
using the toilet.
"We closely scrutinized hundreds of
Canadian pharmacists taking big, messy dumps, then watched as
they followed up with vigorous and extensive wiping," said
Carlton Montague III, an FDA spokesman.
did this for years and years," Montague added. "And
in every instance, no Canadian pharmacist washed his or her hands
before returning to work."
The announcement comes at the same time
the FDA faces its greatest challenge yet -- convincing Americans
to buy really expensive medicines in America rather than from
Canada, which sells them on the cheap.
For example, a supply of Prozac which costs
$20.91 in Canada averages $91.08 in the U.S.
Previously, the FDA claimed it couldn't
ensure that medicines imported from the U.S. into Canada then
mailed back to the U.S. were safe for ingestion. But demand for
Canadian medicines have continued to climb, prompting critics
to question the FDA's motives.
However, Montague claims that the new announcement
has nothing to do with cheap Canadian medicines.
"This is the result of many years
of investigative work on the part of FDA agents in Canada,"
Montague said. "It has nothing to do with the illegal importation
of Canadian voodoo cures into our great nation."
"Even if it's almost medical terrorism,"
CHARLIE WILL STILL BUY CANADIAN
So will Americans who buy from Canadian pharmacies stop buying
and using them?
"Hells no," stated Charlie Green,
81 and residing in Charleston, S.C. "Canadians, they can
stick my pills up they asses if'n I can get 'em even cheaper."
"Do tell, they can wipe they's collective
butts with my pills if'n I gets them even more cheaper,"
"Man alive, they can store them pills
in the whole country's shit 'n piss if'n I gets them even more
cheaperer," Green continued.
Green currently gets Coumadin from Canada
for $24.94. It would cost him $64.88 if he got the anti-blood-clotting
medicine from his local pharmacy.
"I can live with them dirty ol' pills,
cuz with American prices what they is, I dead anyway, know what
I'm sayin'?" Green demanded.
Several dead Americans who weren't able
to get their hands on Canadian medicines agreed.
"Sheeit man, it's just them big-wig
medicine companies shaking them government types in the FDA,"
INDUSTRY DENIES INVOLVEMENT
Jeff Trewhitt, spokesman for Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers
of America (PhRMA), denies any connection between the industry
and the FDA.
"No way," Trewhitt said. "Nuh-uh.
That's all bullshit. There's no connection."
Trewhitt added that Canada has long suffered
from a soap-and-hot-water drought, so it was little wonder Canadian
pharmacists wouldn't be washing their hands.
Health Canada, the Canadian counterpart
to the FDA, denied there was a soap-and-hot-water drought in
Furthermore, HC officials noted that the
lone videotape supplied by the FDA -- which purportedly shows
a Canadian pharmacist grinding out a loaf and not washing his
hands -- featured a man wearing a "Vote Bush in 2004"
button on his Washington Redskin's jacket, casting suspicion
about the identity of the man.
"No way," Trewhitt said. "Nuh-uh.
That's bullshit. They love the Redskins up in Canada."
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2003, No Apologies!