INTERNATIONAL

Wednesday, September 24, 10:45 PM PST

Canadian Pharmacists Also Don't Wash Hands, FDA Claims

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Food and Drug Administration today announced that Canadian pharmacists do not practice good hygiene after using the toilet.

"We closely scrutinized hundreds of Canadian pharmacists taking big, messy dumps, then watched as they followed up with vigorous and extensive wiping," said Carlton Montague III, an FDA spokesman.

"We did this for years and years," Montague added. "And in every instance, no Canadian pharmacist washed his or her hands before returning to work."

The announcement comes at the same time the FDA faces its greatest challenge yet -- convincing Americans to buy really expensive medicines in America rather than from Canada, which sells them on the cheap.

For example, a supply of Prozac which costs $20.91 in Canada averages $91.08 in the U.S.

Previously, the FDA claimed it couldn't ensure that medicines imported from the U.S. into Canada then mailed back to the U.S. were safe for ingestion. But demand for Canadian medicines have continued to climb, prompting critics to question the FDA's motives.

However, Montague claims that the new announcement has nothing to do with cheap Canadian medicines.

"This is the result of many years of investigative work on the part of FDA agents in Canada," Montague said. "It has nothing to do with the illegal importation of Canadian voodoo cures into our great nation."

"Even if it's almost medical terrorism," he added.

CHARLIE WILL STILL BUY CANADIAN
So will Americans who buy from Canadian pharmacies stop buying and using them?

"Hells no," stated Charlie Green, 81 and residing in Charleston, S.C. "Canadians, they can stick my pills up they asses if'n I can get 'em even cheaper."

"Do tell, they can wipe they's collective butts with my pills if'n I gets them even more cheaper," Green continued.

"Man alive, they can store them pills in the whole country's shit 'n piss if'n I gets them even more cheaperer," Green continued.

Green currently gets Coumadin from Canada for $24.94. It would cost him $64.88 if he got the anti-blood-clotting medicine from his local pharmacy.

"I can live with them dirty ol' pills, cuz with American prices what they is, I dead anyway, know what I'm sayin'?" Green demanded.

Several dead Americans who weren't able to get their hands on Canadian medicines agreed.

"Sheeit man, it's just them big-wig medicine companies shaking them government types in the FDA," Green said.

INDUSTRY DENIES INVOLVEMENT
Jeff Trewhitt, spokesman for Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA), denies any connection between the industry and the FDA.

"No way," Trewhitt said. "Nuh-uh. That's all bullshit. There's no connection."

Trewhitt added that Canada has long suffered from a soap-and-hot-water drought, so it was little wonder Canadian pharmacists wouldn't be washing their hands.

Health Canada, the Canadian counterpart to the FDA, denied there was a soap-and-hot-water drought in the nation.

Furthermore, HC officials noted that the lone videotape supplied by the FDA -- which purportedly shows a Canadian pharmacist grinding out a loaf and not washing his hands -- featured a man wearing a "Vote Bush in 2004" button on his Washington Redskin's jacket, casting suspicion about the identity of the man.

"No way," Trewhitt said. "Nuh-uh. That's bullshit. They love the Redskins up in Canada."

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