Tuesday, July 15, 3:11 AM PST

Wal-Mart Opens Store on Recently Discovered Planet

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

INTERSTELLAR SPACE -- Despite the 5,600 light years that separate them, Wal-Mart has already opened a store on a newly discovered planet whose existence was unknown until last week.

The inhabitants of the planet -- which happens to be older than our sun -- expressed relief that they too would finally experience low prices.

"It's about freaking time," Xzara-ra-^S, a DsD^pQi, said.

"I mean, we've been waiting for price breaks on stuff like brand-name patios sets for, literally, billions of years."

Xzara-ra-^S then purchased a Palm Valley 5-Piece Wicker Patio Set with its Wal-Mart Credit Card. "You can only use the card at Wal-Mart stores, but I figure most of my shopping's gonna be done here anyway," it explained. "You can't beat a good deal!"

"We're proud to serve these good aliens," announced Phil Brubaker, Vice President of Extra-Terrestrial Sales, in a prepared statement. "It's gratifying to know that, despite vast interstellar distances, nothing can stop Wal-Mart from providing everyone the products they want at everyday low prices.

"Also, I claim this planet in name of Wal-Mart, and henceforth it shall be known as Planet Wal-Mart," Brubaker added darkly.

Not Everyone Happy
WiQaZ-ty-^R, a DsD^pQi reseller of GRAAH, is worried about the future of his business.

"I suppose, now that freakin' Wal-Mart's here, they'll be slashing prices on GRAAH and driving me outta business," it said. "That seems to be the pattern, anyway. Sure, they'll lose money at first, but once all the GRAAH resellers are outta business, then they'll control the entire freakin' industry."

Donald Rumsfeld, a secretary of defense for a suddenly not-so-powerful nation, is worried about the future of Earth.

"How in God's name did Wal-Mart set up shop on an planet that would take NASA tens of thousands of years to reach?" he wondered. Rumsfeld expressed concern that Wal-Mart might conquer Earth with its new found technology.

Brubaker scoffed at the idea, saying, "We conquered your puny race five years ago."

Wal-Mart stock ended the day up $1.54 in trading.

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