15, 3:11 AM PST
Wal-Mart Opens Store on Recently Discovered
by Brent "The Duke"
INTERSTELLAR SPACE -- Despite the 5,600 light years that separate
them, Wal-Mart has already opened a store on a newly discovered
planet whose existence was unknown until last week.
The inhabitants of the planet -- which happens
to be older than our sun -- expressed relief that they too would
finally experience low prices.
"It's about freaking time," Xzara-ra-^S,
a DsD^pQi, said.
"I mean, we've been waiting for price
breaks on stuff like brand-name patios sets for, literally, billions
Xzara-ra-^S then purchased a Palm Valley
5-Piece Wicker Patio Set with its Wal-Mart Credit Card. "You
can only use the card at Wal-Mart stores, but I figure most of
my shopping's gonna be done here anyway," it explained.
"You can't beat a good deal!"
"We're proud to serve these good aliens,"
announced Phil Brubaker, Vice President of Extra-Terrestrial
Sales, in a prepared statement. "It's gratifying to know
that, despite vast interstellar distances, nothing can stop Wal-Mart
from providing everyone the products they want at everyday
"Also, I claim this planet in name
of Wal-Mart, and henceforth it shall be known as Planet Wal-Mart,"
Brubaker added darkly.
Not Everyone Happy
WiQaZ-ty-^R, a DsD^pQi reseller of GRAAH, is worried about the
future of his business.
"I suppose, now that freakin' Wal-Mart's
here, they'll be slashing prices on GRAAH and driving me outta
business," it said. "That seems to be the pattern,
anyway. Sure, they'll lose money at first, but once all the GRAAH
resellers are outta business, then they'll control the entire
Donald Rumsfeld, a secretary of defense
for a suddenly not-so-powerful nation, is worried about the future
"How in God's name did Wal-Mart set
up shop on an planet that would take NASA tens of thousands of
years to reach?" he wondered. Rumsfeld expressed concern
that Wal-Mart might conquer Earth with its new found technology.
Brubaker scoffed at the idea, saying, "We
conquered your puny race five years ago."
Wal-Mart stock ended the day up $1.54 in
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