28, 1:10 PM PST
Elizabeth Smart's Parents: "We Are
LAKE CITY -- Amid accusations that they are selling their
daughter's body and soul for fame and profit, Elizabeth Smart's
parents today declared that they were, in fact, not whoring her
"A lot of bad people say we're doing
a bad thing by writing books, selling movie rights and cutting
deals with media outlets," said Ed and Lois Smart, co-authors
of Bringing Elizabeth Home: A Journey of Faith and Hope,
"They say we're selling-out my sweet
baby for consumption by mainstream Americans who can't resist
a good-looking-girl-done-wrong story like this," Ed continued.
"We categorically deny these accusations."
"As the person most responsible for
signing the deal for the CBS made-for-TV movie, 'The Elizabeth
Smart Story' -- which will debut at primetime on Sunday, Nov.
9, so check your local listings -- I can say that, unlike whores
and sluts and slatterns, my daughter is getting something out
of this transaction other than 60 bucks, a dozen slaps and an
STD or two."
Readers interested in purchasing a signed
copy of the book may do so by ordering directly from the Smart
family at www.Foxy-as-a-Smart.com.
Ed also reported that rumors regarding
the lack of interest by the music industry in Elizabeth's new
hip-hop album -- tentatively entitled "2 Smart 4 KidNapsters"
-- were unfounded.
"The major labels are just waiting
for Pepsi to bounce Beyonce as its official pitchwoman before
making a move," Ed reported. "Don't worry, Elizabeth
fans -- she'll be rocking a city near you sometime soon, dawgs!"
Meanwhile, Lois Smart, standing beside a visibily uncomfortable
and overly made-up Elizabeth, said that the continuous coverage
of their daughter's book and movie by CBS, NBC, ABC and Oprah
could only be expected.
"Actually, it isn't Elizabeth's book
or movie," Lois said, correcting this reporter. "It's
me and Ed's book and movie. We signed the deals, not her."
Lois then revealed that CBS had wanted
exclusive rights to Elizabeth Smart and her story. However, the
family decided that no one network would pigeonhole their future
with a contract.
"Memo to any and all media outlets:
If you put up the dough, Elizabeth will show," Lois continued.
"And if your really put up the dough..."
Lois left the sentence hanging in the air,
simply winking when asked what she meant.
"Mother!" Elizabeth complained,
which led to a loud, reverberating slap that left a livid, cherry-red
handprint on her cheek.
"Don't you mouth off at me, missy!"
Lois screamed as her daughter wept. "We haven't put up with
all your fucking bullshit all these fucking years just to have
you fucking ruin it for the rest of us!"
"I just want a normal teenager's life,"
"And hike up your skirt," Lois
continued. "America wants to see some tail!"
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