INTERNATIONAL

Monday, March22, 4:52 AM PST

Iraqi Remake of "Dawn of the Dead" Not as Action-Packed as America's

by King Mongo,
NA!P NewsWire

BAGHDAD -- Jubilant with the fresh new feeling of freedom, hundreds of Iraqi families greeted Secretary of State Colin Powell's at his surprise news conference in the Iraqi capital last Friday.

"We are here to celebrate our new freedom, here at the feet of our Great Liberator," cried Samir al-Najim of Baghdad.

"I even brought my son," the taxi driver said, positioning a stiffened corpse before the bemused Powell.

"He's not as emotional as I am," al-Najim explained, "but he's been that way since American soldiers shot him at a protest to increase our rations."

Other Iraqi father and mothers dragged forth the corpses of their sons and daughters, in varying states of decomposition, and laid them before Secretary Powell.

"I am touched and honored by your presence here today!" the teary-eyed Powell called out to the families and their rotting dead.

"Just to think, last year, the evil dictator of Iraq would have forced you to bury these stinking corpses! Now, you have the freedom to die at the hands of the greatest proponent of freedom in the United States! I mean, in the world of the United States! Uh, I mean, the world in general!"

The gathered Iraqis cheered and ululated. Those whose infants had been killed by bomb attacks or "accidental" shootings by coalition forces lifted the dead children over their heads, screaming, "Allah is great!"

Powell then summoned elements of the 5th Battalion, assigned to provide security to the news conference, into the meeting hall. After a brief conference, the secretary returned to the podium and renewed cheering from the Iraqi crowd.

"You deserve this! Your children have performed the greatest act any patriot can for their country -- they have died! Are you ready to be come great patriots?" Powell called out, as the Iraqis danced in a frenzy of glee. "I said, ARE YOU READY TO GET YOUR FREEDOM ON!?!"

"YES!!!" screamed the crowd.

"FREE THEM!!" Powell yelled as the soldiers opened fire on the crowd. Iraqis roared with terror and joy, some of whom could be heard thanking George W. Bush for their liberty.

When the smoke cleared, some 325 Iraqis were dead.

A tearful marine, Corporal Lance Burton of Rimrat, Texas, said, "Ah'm sho envious of them Iraqis. I done used two clips of 5.56mm NATO hollow-point rounds loaded with freedom, and I just wish I'd brought some joy grenades with me."

As battalion members traded high fives and yelled "Praise Jesus," Corporal Burton knelt and prayed.

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