4:52 AM PST
Iraqi Remake of "Dawn of the Dead"
Not as Action-Packed as America's
BAGHDAD -- Jubilant with the fresh new feeling of freedom,
hundreds of Iraqi families greeted Secretary of State Colin Powell's
at his surprise news conference in the Iraqi capital last Friday.
"We are here to celebrate
our new freedom, here at the feet of our Great Liberator,"
cried Samir al-Najim of Baghdad.
even brought my son," the taxi driver said, positioning
a stiffened corpse before the bemused Powell.
"He's not as emotional as
I am," al-Najim explained, "but he's been that way
since American soldiers shot him at a protest to increase our
Other Iraqi father and mothers
dragged forth the corpses of their sons and daughters, in varying
states of decomposition, and laid them before Secretary Powell.
"I am touched and honored
by your presence here today!" the teary-eyed Powell called
out to the families and their rotting dead.
"Just to think, last year,
the evil dictator of Iraq would have forced you to bury these
stinking corpses! Now, you have the freedom to die at the hands
of the greatest proponent of freedom in the United States! I
mean, in the world of the United States! Uh, I mean, the world
The gathered Iraqis cheered and
ululated. Those whose infants had been killed by bomb attacks
or "accidental" shootings by coalition forces lifted
the dead children over their heads, screaming, "Allah is
Powell then summoned elements
of the 5th Battalion, assigned to provide security to the news
conference, into the meeting hall. After a brief conference,
the secretary returned to the podium and renewed cheering from
the Iraqi crowd.
"You deserve this! Your
children have performed the greatest act any patriot can for
their country -- they have died! Are you ready to be come great
patriots?" Powell called out, as the Iraqis danced in a
frenzy of glee. "I said, ARE YOU READY TO GET YOUR FREEDOM
"YES!!!" screamed the
"FREE THEM!!" Powell
yelled as the soldiers opened fire on the crowd. Iraqis roared
with terror and joy, some of whom could be heard thanking George
W. Bush for their liberty.
When the smoke cleared, some
325 Iraqis were dead.
A tearful marine, Corporal Lance
Burton of Rimrat, Texas, said, "Ah'm sho envious of them
Iraqis. I done used two clips of 5.56mm NATO hollow-point rounds
loaded with freedom, and I just wish I'd brought some joy grenades
As battalion members traded high
fives and yelled "Praise Jesus," Corporal Burton knelt
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