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Monday, April 25, 5:27 PM PST

Rapture Comes, Goes, Leaves Ashcroft Behind

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The second coming of Jesus the Christ, also known as The Rapture, came and went with little fanfare last night, much to the surprise of many alleged Christians, including America's leading born-again Christian, Attorney General John Ashcroft.

"What's this?" Ashcroft asked, blinking with confusion. "He hast come? At what hour? Why didn't you fornicators tell me?"

Billions of other Christians of every denomination found themselves asking the same question after a quick count revealed that only one of them -- Kaley Schwett, 12, of Minneapolis -- is still missing and unaccounted for after the Messiah carried away the saved.

"Kaley kept complaining about trumpets and seals and angels, but I just thought she drank too much Mountain Dew," said Shirley Schwett, Kaley's mother, who is "thrilled" her child achieved salvation, but saddened that she herself will burn in hell.

"I guess I shouldn't have fornicated before wedlock," Schwett said, sighing. "Or kick that homeless woman to death."

Ashcroft, however, wasn't so worried for Schwett's eternal soul as he was for his own.

"Yea verily, I don't drink, cheat on my taxes, take pleasures of the flesh with women, so on and so forth," Ashcroft declared. "Why am I not in Heaven? Why hast thou forsaken me, Lord?"

Jesus Christ, however, had a few things to say when asked about Ashcroft's application to eternal bliss.

"Well, you know, a good Christian shouldn't be an unmitigated liar," Jesus said, shrugging. "It's somewhere in the Bible, I think. And even if it isn't, it should be. It should read, 'No brazen, shameless liars allowed.'"

Asked to clarify his statement, Christ sighed.

"Man, that's a long list. Just look at the 9-11 Commission testimony he gave. First, Ashcroft swore the government didn't know the attacks were imminent, but even you mortals know from the evidence that's a lie. Then he made it look like Democrats were at fault for decisions he made -- that's lying and bearing false witness. Then Ashcroft swore up and down that he kept himself updated about terrorist threats with regular briefings from the FBI, even though the head of the FBI at the time testified that Ashcroft didn't want any more information after just two briefings."

At that point, Christ chuckled. "Word to the wise, John -- you can lie to a commission, you can lie to the public, but you can't lie to me, mister."

Upon hearing Christ's comments, the attorney general immediately announced, "Christ's the biggest liar." Ashcroft also indicated that he would begin investigating newly uncovered evidence that the Son of God had collaborated with the 9-11 terrorists.

Meanwhile, however, Ashcroft has to deal with a fiery future in Satan's pit. As do you, apparently.

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