25, 5:27 PM PST
Rapture Comes, Goes, Leaves Ashcroft Behind
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The second coming of Jesus the Christ,
also known as The Rapture, came and went with little fanfare
last night, much to the surprise of many alleged Christians,
including America's leading born-again Christian, Attorney General
"What's this?" Ashcroft
asked, blinking with confusion. "He hast come? At what hour?
Why didn't you fornicators tell me?"
of other Christians of every denomination found themselves asking
the same question after a quick count revealed that only one
of them -- Kaley Schwett, 12, of Minneapolis -- is still missing
and unaccounted for after the Messiah carried away the saved.
"Kaley kept complaining
about trumpets and seals and angels, but I just thought she drank
too much Mountain Dew," said Shirley Schwett, Kaley's mother,
who is "thrilled" her child achieved salvation, but
saddened that she herself will burn in hell.
"I guess I shouldn't have
fornicated before wedlock," Schwett said, sighing. "Or
kick that homeless woman to death."
Ashcroft, however, wasn't so
worried for Schwett's eternal soul as he was for his own.
"Yea verily, I don't drink,
cheat on my taxes, take pleasures of the flesh with women, so
on and so forth," Ashcroft declared. "Why am I not
in Heaven? Why hast thou forsaken me, Lord?"
Jesus Christ, however, had a
few things to say when asked about Ashcroft's application to
"Well, you know, a good
Christian shouldn't be an unmitigated liar," Jesus said,
shrugging. "It's somewhere in the Bible, I think. And even
if it isn't, it should be. It should read, 'No brazen, shameless
Asked to clarify his statement,
"Man, that's a long list.
Just look at the 9-11 Commission testimony he gave. First, Ashcroft
swore the government didn't know the attacks were imminent, but
even you mortals know from the evidence that's a lie. Then he
made it look like Democrats were at fault for decisions he
made -- that's lying and bearing false witness. Then Ashcroft
swore up and down that he kept himself updated about terrorist
threats with regular briefings from the FBI, even though the
head of the FBI at the time testified that Ashcroft didn't want
any more information after just two briefings."
At that point, Christ chuckled.
"Word to the wise, John -- you can lie to a commission,
you can lie to the public, but you can't lie to me, mister."
Upon hearing Christ's comments,
the attorney general immediately announced, "Christ's the
biggest liar." Ashcroft also indicated that he would begin
investigating newly uncovered evidence that the Son of God had
collaborated with the 9-11 terrorists.
Meanwhile, however, Ashcroft
has to deal with a fiery future in Satan's pit. As do you, apparently.
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